know a good one? [jokes thread]

a graphical one

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00......on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said......




































...... "Clean my house"


Ros

Mr. and Mrs. Macdonald had a son. At first all was well, but they soon began to worry about him when the only things that could get his attention were tractors. He would only play with toy tractors, he wouldn’t eat unless it was from his plate with pictures of tractors on, he would only go to sleep if he had a toy tractor with him, and had to have his blanket with pictures of tractors on it. When his father was out working on the farm in his tractor, the son screamed to be taken with him. His father tried to calm him, saying “You’re not old enough, it’s too dangerous”. The boy would sit at the windows and watch the tractor all day. When he got a bit older, he would always ask to be taken out on the tractor , his father always said “You’re not old enough. If you save all your money, when you get to be 18, I will match what you save and for your 18th birthday I will take you to the international tractor show where you can choose whichever tractor you want”.

For every birthday, he requested money to save up for his tractor, which he saved up in his tractor-shaped money box. Instead of a comic, he used to get ‘What Tractor” magazine. He didn’t have a pedal car, he had a ride-on tractor…. You get the picture…

As he grew older, he collected more and more tractor memorabilia - went to all the local tractor shows and ploughing contests just to compare tractors and to try and decide which one he wanted.

Eventually, his 18th birthday came around, and his father agreed to take him to the international tractor show. He chose a huge Lamborghini tractor - it had a scoop at the front, a digger at the back, four huge balloon tyres, hydraulic stabilizing legs, air conditioning, he had a huge stereo system fitted to it for good measure.

When he got the tractor home, he took it out into the fields, as he was driving it around, it got stuck and completely bogged down - the balloon tyres didn’t help at all. He tried to lift it out using the hydraulic stabilizing legs - it was no good. Next he tried the digger and the scoop to try and get it free - it just bogged down even more. He tried forwards, backwards - still no good. That was it, he just completely lost it at that point - went to his room and ripped down all his tractor posters, even the peeling bits of his tractor wallpaper. He carried them to the tractor and piled them around it. He kept going back to his room and fetched all his tractor memorabilia, the books, magazines, even his tractor blanket and his tractor money box. All were piled round the tractor and he set the whole thing on fire.

Then he did what any sensible 18 year old would do - went to the pub to drown his sorrows.

As he went to the bar, the barman looked around and said (must have been a Swiss bar…) “Man, it’s smoky in here, I’ll give a free drink to anyone who can clear the smoke”

The 18 year old just breathed in slowly and continuously and sucked up all the smoke from the bar.

The barman said “That’s brilliant, here’s your drink, but I have to ask… how on earth did you do that?”

The lad replied “Oh, that’s easy….










I’m an ex tractor fan”.

[oscarsmum]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100.

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, cricket, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly.









>

>

>


So.........urr ye gonnae follow the CELTIC again this year?"

[Macchiato]

Religions of the world:
http://img245.imageshack.us/img245/5494/religi11.jpg

[Deep Purple]

With apologies to A.A. Milne and E.H. Shepard

(Sorry that the picture is sideways. Size limits on system wont let me post the right way up)

[Uncle Max]

Q: How can you tell you have Swine Flu?

A: You come out in rashers

[araqyl]

Well, I called the emergency hotline they've set up for Swine Flu, but all I got was crackling...


----


A lot of people said pigs would fly before a black man became president of the USA.

100 days later, swine flu

[swissotter]

"The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment."
.

[Rob]

	Quote:	swissotter
	"The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment." .

On the other hand the symptoms can be minimised by the use of over the counter remedies:

[Deep Purple]

Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua puppy and is desperate to find him. Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realised he was gone. She called out to him and he never responded. She then noticed the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere in an effort to have him returned.

[Verbier]

Priest's Retirement Dinner


A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral of the story : Never, Never, Never Be Late

Saw this one in an email today:

Patient A: "How is it? This book is not bad, ya?"
Patient B: "Ya, I agree, excellent! Astounding work. No nonsense, sharp and concise to the point. But there's a major flaw in this piece of art – too many character names to remember."
Nurse: "Hey! Can the two of you put the telephone book back in its original place?"

[tigerli]

A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,

'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.

'You talk?' he asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk then I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got
married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.

'Ten euros.' the man said.

'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shíte

[Tim]

One day, a long time ago, in a land far far away, there lived a woman who did not nag, whine or bitch.........

But it was just one day and it was a bloody long time ago!

[Tim]

Having successfully chatted her up in a bar, he found himself next to no time back at her place in her bedroom energetically making love to her.

In the course of performing his duty his eyes were drawn to a framed photograph of a man stripped to his waist on her bedside cabinet.

"Who's that?" he asked panting "your boyfriend?"

"No" came the curt reply

"Your ex boyfriend?" he asked

"No"

"Your husband?"

"No"

"Your ex husband?"

"No"

Growing a bit frustrated with her curt replies he continued to guess who it might be.....

"Your brother?" - "Your father when he was younger?" - "A cousin of yours?"

With each guess he got the same curt reply "no".

Finally he could stand it no more

"Look, just tell me who the bloody hell it is!" he shouted in a temper

"Ok" came the response....and after a pause she went on to say.....






"That was me six months ago!"

[swissotter]

So, a pirate walks into a bar. Looks like the quintessential pirate -- peg leg, hook on one hand, eye patch, the whole nine yards.
In addition to all this, he's got a steering wheel hanging from the fly of his pants.
He walks up to the bar, and orders a whiskey. The bartender pours the pirate a glass, and says to him
"I don't want to offend, but I thought you should know -- you've got a steering wheel attached to your fly."
The pirate nods his head, and says:

.

.
.

"Arrrgh, I know. And it's driving me nuts."

[tigerli]

Good News:





Wine DOES NOT make you FAT


it makes you LEAN...





..against tables, chairs, floors, walls and strange people.

	Quote:	DaveA
	My favourite one-line joke in the English language which does assume some background : "Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, did you enjoy the show ?"

I just spat beer!

[Macchiato]

Behind every successfull man there is a woman:

http://www.frogview.com/show6.php?file=10154