know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Macchiato]

Russian beer Advertisement:
http://regretfulmorning.com/wp-conte...-beer-cans.jpg

Always buy a couple!

[ACortese]

Three Ladies in a Sauna

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said........."Well, will you look at that....I'm getting a fax!!"

[Rob]

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria why do you feel you deserve a pay increase?'

Maria: ' Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. First, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who says you are a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh'

Maria: 'And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE

[Bookworm]

Some great one-liners from a cartoon of an old lady ...

"Never go to bed angry ... stay up and plot your revenge."

"I don't know what your problem is ... but I bet it's hard to pronounce"

"Wipe your mouth, there's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips"

and, finally ...

"Everyone seems normal until you get to know them"

[merseygirl]

Bloke see`s an advert in a pet shop,talking centipede for sale. He buys it and takes it home in a small box. After a while he opens the box and asks it if it would like to go for a pint. The centipede doesent answer.He repeats the question,still no reply. Getting angry thinking he`s been done,he shouts the question "you coming for a pint or what?" The centipede sticks his head out the box and says "i heard you the first time ****head,i was just putting my shoes on"

Wow! My first post outside of introductions.

Not really a joke but a funny story:

Why My Lips Stayed Chapped on Mother's Day

So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story; they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my
chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right -- their little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.



Evan

[Deep Purple]

	Quote:	evan938
	Why My Lips Stayed Chapped on Mother's Day Evan

Great story. Reminds me of this picture:

[raincookie]

That's put me right off my breakfast!!

[Gwendy]

Makes me glad I live alone and have no animals.... all very safe and secure....

[swissotter]

[Macchiato]

	Quote:	ACortese
	Three Ladies in a Sauna Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting in a sauna. ..... She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said........."Well, will you look at that....I'm getting a fax!!"

Here is the photo of the event:
http://www.bild.de/BILD/regional/mue...ckt-im-tv.html

[tigerli]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when
you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car?





Think before you continue reading.









This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as
part of a job application. You could pick
up the old lady, because she
is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the
perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find
your perfect mate again.


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS................... The candidate who was
hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and
let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for
the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her
out of her misery, shag the arse off the perfect partner on the hood of
the car, then drive to the pub with yer old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!

[bravesocks]

	Quote:	tigerli
	You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS................... The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.' Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.' HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, shag the arse off the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive to the pub with yer old friend for a few beers. God, I just love happy endings!

Brilliant

[Rob]

Jack decided to go skiing with his mate, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini-van and headed North. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid theneighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
She agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the lawyer of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry mate. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

To all you dirty minded individuals who thought the ending would be different, shame on you!

[NickH]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't
place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

SIHL CITY WARNING!

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Sihl City customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping.
Don't be naive enough think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old
girls come over to your car as you are loading your purchases. They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and
instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in
the backseat. On the way, they start undressing each other and
making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
& 24th 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 11th, 12th, three times
last Saturday, probably tomorrow, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be very careful.

P.S. Migros has wallets on sale 2.99 each.

[Sada]

excellent !!!! love it. This is just so you Salsa Lover

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Question:

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out, and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22.We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

Answer:

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.I hope this helps.
Sincerely,Walter

[khawaja]

..........

[oscarsmum]

A Glasgow man walks into a bank in Glasgow
and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Glasgow lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Glaswegian for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Glaswegian returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Glaswegian replies:

"Where else in Glasgow can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41
and expect it to be there when I return'"


Ah, the mind of the Glaswegian....