know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man enters a monastery and takes a vow of silence. This can only be broken every 10 years and then the monk can only say 2 words.
After 10 years he is allowed to say his 2 words. He says, 'food, bad'. Another 10 years passes and he's allowed to say another 2 words. He says,'bed, hard'
Another 10 years go by. He's been there 30 years now. He's allowed to say 2 words again. He goes to the leader of the monks and says,'l quit'. The other monk replys, 'l'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you've been here!'

[Mud]

Welcome Lube! Great handle!!!

[Dan of the dead]

I wrote this joke last night:

A Polar bear goes to the doctor's and says, ‘Doctor, half the time I feel my normal self and the rest of the time I feel like a penguin’.

The doctor answers, ‘I’m no psychiatrist, but my guess is you’re bipolar'.

[oscarsmum]

Don't give up your day job, Dan!

2 hunters were walking through the forest in america, their shotguns slung over their shoulders. Suddenly one of them collapses and lays still on the ground. The other hunter tries to find a pulse or any other vital signs but can't so he rings the emergency services. He says to the operator, " Please help me, l think my friend is dead!" The operator replies, "now sir, try to keep calm. First you have to make sure that your friend really is dead." The only think she hears sfter that is a gun shot. The other returns to the the telephone and says, "Ok. Now l really am sure............."

I am blonde so l like blonde jokes.

2 blondes standing on the Bahnhofstr looking up at a beautiful full moon. Says one blonde to the other, "What do you think is nearer, the moon or london?" Says the other blonde in reply, "helloooo. Can you see london from here?"

[Verbier]

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.......................... What doctors do when patients die.
Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section........A neighbourhood in Rome ..
Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize....................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic........................... A sheep dog.
Coma.......................... A punctuation mark.
Dilate........................ To live long.
Enema........................... Not a friend.
Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................... A small lie.
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..................... A Doctor's cane.
Morbid........................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him.
Secretion..................... Hiding something.
Seizure....................... Roman emperor.
Tablet........................... A small table.
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour..........................One plus one more.
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out.

[Verbier]

Snotty Receptionist:

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

[oscarsmum]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

[araqyl]

Well, here's an oldie ... hope somebody hasn't seen it before!

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entireday is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[araqyl]

Will pop this one up as well ...

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

[Verbier]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

.
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine
sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, says to doctor, "What did you say?"

The doctor repeats , "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm
sample."

The man, turns to his wife and asks her , "What did he say?"


His wife yells back to him,




"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
.

[Verbier]

Four Worms and a Lesson to be learned

A minister decided that a visual
demonstration would add emphasis
to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into
four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container
of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container
of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of
chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of
good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the
Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead

The Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation
What did you learn from this demonstration?

A little old lady was sitting in the back,
quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms !'

That pretty much ended the service

[Dan of the dead]

Another original:

Chinese whispers was originally called Japanese whispers.

[oscarsmum]

A man was sitting on the settee watching TV when he heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen.“What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb ?”

He said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”

“Shut up. You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat.”

[zürihegel]

See this!

[Melitta]

I still enjoy the innocent play ground style jokes.

For example, did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

It went down the road and turned into a field!

[River10]

The following quotations are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts by Charles M. Sevilla and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Regardless of originations, they can be eye openers as to the mentality of those engaged in the drill...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning-
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy-'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you-
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact-
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all-
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory-
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget- Can you give us an example of something you forgot-
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo-
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo-
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do-
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning-
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam-
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he-
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken-
WITNESS: Are you shi***ng me-
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right-
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys-
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls-
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney-
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated-
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated-
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual-
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female-
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney-
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people-
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK- What school did you go to-
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body-
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time-
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample-
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question-
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse-
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure-
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing-
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy-
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor-
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless-
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Verbier]

If you have some time to waste. Lots of fun.

Daffy Duck parachute jump game.

http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf

[Mud]

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin the Australain remained silent, just slowly poking the fire with his penis.