Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Off-Topic > Off-Topic > Jokes/funnies  
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #681  
Old 19.08.2009, 15:53
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Swissland
Posts: 1,456
Groaned at 54 Times in 36 Posts
Thanked 791 Times in 469 Posts
Dervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A guy walks into an Eye Specialist's clinic, holding a briefcase.

Doctor goes "How can I help you?"

The guy opens the briefcase and shows a big piece of "dump" and says: "Everytime I do this, Tears come to my Eyes... Why?"
Reply With Quote
  #682  
Old 20.08.2009, 13:04
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Swissland
Posts: 1,456
Groaned at 54 Times in 36 Posts
Thanked 791 Times in 469 Posts
Dervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Q: How do you tell a Singh in a Submarine?

A: The One with a Parachute
Reply With Quote
  #683  
Old 20.08.2009, 13:10
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Swissland
Posts: 1,456
Groaned at 54 Times in 36 Posts
Thanked 791 Times in 469 Posts
Dervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

The man who stole 40,000 coat hangers
Source: Miles Kington, the Independent, 15 October 2002
"A most extraordinary trial is going on in the High Court at the moment in which a man named Chrysler is accused of stealing more than 40,000 coat hangers from hotels round the world. He admits his guilt, but in his defence he claims that - well, perhaps it would be simpler just to bring you a brief extract from the trial. We join the case at the point where Chrysler has just taken the stand."

Counsel: What is your name?
Chrysler: Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler.
Counsel: Is that your own name?
Chrysler: Whose name do you think it is?
Counsel: I am just asking if it is your name.
Chrysler: And I have just told you it is. Why do you doubt it?
Counsel: It is not unknown for people to give a false name in court.
Chrysler: Which court?
Counsel: This court.
Chrysler: What is the name of this court?
Counsel: This is No 5 Court.
Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court?
Counsel: It is quite immaterial what the name of this court is!
Chrysler: Then perhaps it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name.
Counsel: No, not really, you see because...
Judge: Mr Lovelace?
Counsel: Yes, m'lud?
Judge: I think Mr Chrysler is running rings round you already. I would try a new line of attack if I were you.
Counsel: Thank you, m'lud.
Chrysler: And thank you from ME, m'lud. It's nice to be appreciated.
Judge: Shut up, witness.
Chrysler: Willingly, m'lud. It is a pleasure to be told to shut up by you. For you, I would...
Judge: Shut up, witness. Carry on, Mr Lovelace.
Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler - for let us assume that that is your name - you are accused of purloining in excess of 40,000 hotel coat hangers.
Chrysler: I am.
Counsel: Can you explain how this came about?
Chrysler: Yes. I had 40,000 coats which I needed to hang up.
Counsel: Is that true?
Chrysler: No.
Counsel: Then why did you say it?
Chrysler: To attempt to throw you off balance.
Counsel: Off balance?
Chrysler: Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be equally open to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of a hostile barrister.
Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with me. You are only here to answer my questions.
Chrysler: Was that a question?
Counsel: No.
Chrysler: Then I can't answer it.
Judge: Come on, Mr Lovelace! I think you are still being given the run-around here. You can do better than that. At least, for the sake of the English bar, I hope you can.
Counsel: Yes, m'lud. Now, Mr Chrysler, perhaps you will describe what reason you had to steal 40,000 coat hangers?
Chrysler: Is that a question?
Counsel: Yes.
Chrysler: It doesn't sound like one. It sounds like a proposition which doesn't believe in itself. You know - "Perhaps I will describe the reason I had to steal 40,000 coat hangers... Perhaps I won't... Perhaps I'll sing a little song instead..."
Judge: In fairness to Mr Lovelace, Mr Chrysler, I should remind you that barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question. Where you and I would say, "Where were you on Tuesday?", they are more likely to say, "Perhaps you could now inform the court of your precise whereabouts on the day after that Monday?". It isn't, strictly, a question, and it is not graceful English but you must pretend that it is a question and then answer it, otherwise we will be here for ever. Do you understand?
Chrysler: Yes, m'lud.
Judge: Carry on, Mr Lovelace.
Counsel: Mr Chrysler, why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing as you must have that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes?
Chrysler: Because I build and sell wardrobes which are specially designed to take nothing but hotel coat hangers.
"Sensation in court. More of this tomorrow, I hope."
(Alas, there wasn't.)
Reply With Quote
  #684  
Old 21.08.2009, 15:01
oscarsmum's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: La Belle France
Posts: 245
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 143 Times in 80 Posts
oscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man comes home and catches his mate sh**ging his wife, so he stabs him to death.

His wife says, “If you carry on like that, you won’t have any mates left!”
Reply With Quote
  #685  
Old 24.08.2009, 10:58
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Hedgehogs...

.
...why can't they just share the hedge?


"Comedian Dan Antopolski has won a prize for the funniest joke of
this year's Edinburgh Fringe.
Nine comedy critics sat through thousands of jokes before choosing 27
for viewers to vote on.
The Londoner proved popular with critics and viewers and another of his
jokes made the top 10 list."

The other 9 were...


• 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."

• 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

• 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

• 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

• 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

• 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

• 8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

• 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."
.
Reply With Quote
  #686  
Old 24.08.2009, 14:11
PaddyG's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Pensier, Fribourg
Posts: 9,243
Groaned at 118 Times in 102 Posts
Thanked 16,857 Times in 5,912 Posts
PaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond reputePaddyG has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

When conjoined twins masturbate, does it feel like someone else is doing it?
Reply With Quote
  #687  
Old 24.08.2009, 14:57
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Swissland
Posts: 1,456
Groaned at 54 Times in 36 Posts
Thanked 791 Times in 469 Posts
Dervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond reputeDervaish has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Confucius Says: Man who run through Airport turnstile backwards, Going to Bangkok.
Reply With Quote
  #688  
Old 25.08.2009, 14:37
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 463
Groaned at 8 Times in 7 Posts
Thanked 1,337 Times in 520 Posts
Rob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty 22-gauge rifle.

After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you."

The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise.

After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he's really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka.

He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.

When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You're not REALLY here for the hunting are you?"
__________________
We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.
Reply With Quote
  #689  
Old 25.08.2009, 14:58
sharkey's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lausanne (Previously)
Posts: 763
Groaned at 7 Times in 6 Posts
Thanked 1,107 Times in 500 Posts
sharkey has a reputation beyond reputesharkey has a reputation beyond reputesharkey has a reputation beyond reputesharkey has a reputation beyond reputesharkey has a reputation beyond reputesharkey has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

What do you call a dolphin who's good at everything?



Multi-Porpoise...

Reply With Quote
  #690  
Old 27.08.2009, 09:15
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 463
Groaned at 8 Times in 7 Posts
Thanked 1,337 Times in 520 Posts
Rob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

After 60 years of thorough research experts at the Centre for Military Studies have finally determined why Germany lost World War 2:

Reply With Quote
  #691  
Old 27.08.2009, 16:39
Doctor's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Zürich
Posts: 1,070
Groaned at 3 Times in 3 Posts
Thanked 527 Times in 323 Posts
Doctor has a reputation beyond reputeDoctor has a reputation beyond reputeDoctor has a reputation beyond reputeDoctor has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty 22-gauge rifle.

After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you."

The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise.

After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he's really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka.

He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.

When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You're not REALLY here for the hunting are you?"
Was it by any chance this Bear ?
Reply With Quote
  #692  
Old 31.08.2009, 18:58
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Zurich
Posts: 111
Groaned at 2 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 18 Times in 12 Posts
asdfasdf has made some interesting contributions
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

This forum doesn't seem to have a spoiler so apologies for the length,

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.

- I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

- There is a great need for sarcasm font.

- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies".

- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories.

- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning that just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem …

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

- When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

- Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

- The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat ******* before dinner.
__________________
We actually don't keep track of that record... You need to call the European fecal standards and measuremments office in Zürich, their number is listed on thier website
Reply With Quote
  #693  
Old 31.08.2009, 20:54
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Zurich
Posts: 401
Groaned at 78 Times in 61 Posts
Thanked 1,432 Times in 581 Posts
reids has a reputation beyond reputereids has a reputation beyond reputereids has a reputation beyond reputereids has a reputation beyond reputereids has a reputation beyond reputereids has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
This forum doesn't seem to have a spoiler so apologies for the length,

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
.......
brilliant!
Reply With Quote
  #694  
Old 07.09.2009, 13:22
herc82's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Zurich
Posts: 1,624
Groaned at 10 Times in 9 Posts
Thanked 975 Times in 605 Posts
herc82 has a reputation beyond reputeherc82 has a reputation beyond reputeherc82 has a reputation beyond reputeherc82 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Got that one today, thought I'd share....

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but
had not phoned in sick one day.
Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers
resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted
with a child's whisper.

'Hello?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'

' Yes '

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman, ' came the whispered
answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter full of dogs '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are
the dogs searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
' ME '
__________________
Nullus Anxietas - Oook
Reply With Quote
  #695  
Old 08.09.2009, 01:05
Rob's Avatar
Rob Rob is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Baden AG
Posts: 463
Groaned at 8 Times in 7 Posts
Thanked 1,337 Times in 520 Posts
Rob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond reputeRob has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

After biting from the apple, Adam felt shame and covered himself with a fig leaf.
Eve too felt shame, and covered herself with a fig leaf.
Then she went back behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, an oak, and three varieties of sycamore.
Reply With Quote
  #696  
Old 11.09.2009, 10:58
sharkey's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lausanne (Previously)
Posts: 763
Groaned at 7 Times in 6 Posts
Thanked 1,107 Times in 500 Posts
sharkey has a reputation beyond reputesharkey has a reputation beyond reputesharkey has a reputation beyond reputesharkey has a reputation beyond reputesharkey has a reputation beyond reputesharkey has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Mistaken identity on Facebook





Reply With Quote
  #697  
Old 12.09.2009, 12:12
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 4,326
Groaned at 16 Times in 16 Posts
Thanked 4,532 Times in 2,306 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

CDC Disease Alert

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER), and Special Purpose Internal Remedy Indulgence Therapy (SPIRITS). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda
Reply With Quote
  #698  
Old 12.09.2009, 17:12
dod's Avatar
dod dod is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Zurich
Posts: 220
Groaned at 6 Times in 4 Posts
Thanked 371 Times in 127 Posts
dod has a reputation beyond reputedod has a reputation beyond reputedod has a reputation beyond reputedod has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

Because he was too far out, man!
Reply With Quote
  #699  
Old 12.09.2009, 18:05
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
Reply With Quote
  #700  
Old 13.09.2009, 10:48
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 4,326
Groaned at 16 Times in 16 Posts
Thanked 4,532 Times in 2,306 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Always good to get a 2nd opinion !!!

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some
tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give mea shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid
American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
joke




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 2 (0 members and 2 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT +2. The time now is 14:06.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0