know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Sada]

...........

	Quote:	Swisstree
	Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

[Maple Leaf]

Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The third replied, "I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my face they would recognize."

[bmc]

Jokes from Germany. (sorry if it's been posted earlier)

JOKES FROM GERMANY

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rain forest.

[Verbier]

Abbott and Costello and Computers

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTTABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one..

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know.. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

[Verbier]

The Teacher and the LifeSavers:



After the teacher had passed out LifeSavers a few times, the children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room.

[roamster]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

*Friendship among Women:*
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a "friend's" house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it...!!!
*Friendship among Men:*
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[araqyl]

Not sure if this should go here or in the headlines thread ... but best to post it here, just in case!

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...orra_forced_to

[Louis Wu]

On pregnancy:

Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins
while using birth control?
A. A misconception.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine
a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is
A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type
AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our
baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom
should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my
baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has
a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant,
my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a
fat lip.

Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and
even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets
smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without
onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant
woman and a Playboy centrefold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows
what's good for him.

Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth
month of pregnancy?
A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

Q. How long is the average woman in labour?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll f eel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might
be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery
room while my wife is in labour?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything
to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver,
who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses,
orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists,
etc.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but
the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering
from childbirth?
A.Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does labour cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be
circumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to re- think her plans to nurse.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby
from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother
dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife
begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

[oscarsmum]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it.



The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.



After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch.



I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.



Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll
only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to
send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.



She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.

[Verbier]

A short fairy tale:


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?

The girl said,

'NO!'

The guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and didn’t invite people he didn’t like to his BBQ’s and played golf and watched sports whenever he wanted and drank beer and scotch and wore whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

[ullainga]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, when the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce, she chuckled to herself: "I don't think so!"

[asdfasdf]

	Quote:	bmc
	Jokes from Germany. (sorry if it's been posted earlier) JOKES FROM GERMANY ... Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.....

That's all good stuff, but this is my favourites, thank you

[Verbier]

English Signs from Around the World[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Former Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
[/font][FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.[/font]

[Verbier]

A redneck love poem


SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
*************************

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, don't it?....

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started
and she got her licence shortly before our divorce was final, later that same
year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury
whilst she was flying. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing
because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The CAA have issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error - she was flying
single engined in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having
obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

During the landing, there was a collision with a tree, but the absence of a
post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.
No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage.
She was really lucky.

[bmc]

A little boy says to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"

[Rob]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh.. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep.. Three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

[sandaleen]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway. His wonder is cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 a.m. Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is," Bob explains. The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

[Verbier]

Subject: Golf - A foursome of guys

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.
Then the final lady hits her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She strides over to it, and then whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

Exasperated, she looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f#*king lessons I took over the winter didn't help much!'

A quick wit from the men's group immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

[Verbier]

The Porn Channel:

When I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the desk:



"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."



"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick *******.