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  #721  
Old 30.09.2009, 10:53
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

American Politics:

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed.

"Wow...what a worthy goal." I then told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that; you can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my sidewalks, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me!
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  #722  
Old 30.09.2009, 11:26
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Re: Ex-wife and her Pilot's License...

Quote:
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My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started
and she got her licence shortly before our divorce was final, later that same
year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury
whilst she was flying. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing
because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The CAA have issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error - she was flying
single engined in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having
obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

During the landing, there was a collision with a tree, but the absence of a
post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.
No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage.
She was really lucky.










Ach weejeem, you should've given her your broom and she would've been fine
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  #723  
Old 02.10.2009, 11:16
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I was in the pub yesterday when I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really loud, so I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my beer, looked around and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

Then I realized why,….. I was listening to my iPod.
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  #724  
Old 05.10.2009, 21:36
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

American Stimulus Package - Part II


Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

b" If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
b" If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
b" If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
b" If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
b" If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
b" If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
b" If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 local beer or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day. I feel much better now.
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  #725  
Old 06.10.2009, 09:32
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #726  
Old 07.10.2009, 23:47
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Just went to the doctor's for a second circumcision. The b*st*rd threw away the wrong piece last time so I had him reattach it and do it again!!
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  #727  
Old 11.10.2009, 22:24
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #728  
Old 12.10.2009, 09:19
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

They said it was a Capital offense.

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  #729  
Old 12.10.2009, 20:04
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I am a typesetter by trade I just love that one
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  #730  
Old 12.10.2009, 20:44
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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They said it was a Capital offense.
Excellent. Thanks
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  #731  
Old 12.10.2009, 22:03
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A young boy was doing his English homework whilst his Dad was reading the paper. He asked his Dad, " what is the difference between theoretically and realistically?" his dad thought for a moment then said, "go and ask your Mum if she would sleep with the postman for a million pounds". When he came back , he told his dad in shock, she said YES!

ok son,go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the milkman for a million pounds, once again he came back and said, "YES, she would!

There's your answer then, theoretically, we're sitting on 2 million pounds,- realistically son, we're living with a pair of slappers!
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  #732  
Old 14.10.2009, 15:40
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A young girl asks her Grandmother how old she is. Granny replies she is so old she doesn't remember anymore.. the young girl turns to her Granny and says:

"If you do not remember anymore, you must look at the back of your knickers. Mine say five to six."

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  #733  
Old 14.10.2009, 16:05
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open
.
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  #734  
Old 14.10.2009, 16:47
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Yesterday I ate a ploughman's lunch.... He was Livid....

The later on that evening, I went out for a meal and ordered everything in Swiss German..... Surprised everybody.... It was a chinese restaurant....

Just so happens I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and the table had a check tablecloth..... took him two hours to pass me the salt....

Afterwards, I stopped at an Ice cream shop and bought an Ice cream, the assistant said "Would you like Hundreds and Thousands?" I said, "I'll just start with one for now".....
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  #735  
Old 14.10.2009, 17:00
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]




For all those who like it in the can---
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  #736  
Old 14.10.2009, 17:26
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I got a joke for this thread. It's a good swap.
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  #737  
Old 22.10.2009, 17:44
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle 's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle 's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
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  #738  
Old 22.10.2009, 18:22
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??


MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly
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  #739  
Old 22.10.2009, 19:26
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr...gurrr...king.”
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  #740  
Old 24.10.2009, 19:39
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the older lady, pictured below, sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all..."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.
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Last edited by Deep Purple; 06.12.2009 at 04:01.
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