know a good one? [jokes thread] - Page 38

asdfasdf · #**741** 28.10.2009, 13:11

Actual writings from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

oscarsmum · #**742** 29.10.2009, 13:27

A man in Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce
assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man
persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his
manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Aberdeen, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Aberdeen?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up
there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Aberdeen.'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

CHexo · #**743** 29.10.2009, 13:29

A store that sells husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow!' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous , Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are ****ing impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

ullainga · #**744** 29.10.2009, 13:39

They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.....'

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote, their vote equals ours, andthey also reproduce.

NickH · #**745** 29.10.2009, 17:13

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?

Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ..

there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...

every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!

Eet EES a bacon tree!"

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;

We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage
that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage,
ees a bacon tree".

And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man,you was right.ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees..........

Ees...

Ees.........

Ees....

... Eees a Ham Bush

Dervaish · #**746** 31.10.2009, 20:54

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

'You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, cool down lady,'' said the man. ''I m just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi

luminousmind08 · #**747** 31.10.2009, 22:30

Man walks home and finds his wife packing a suitcase upstairs. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I just found out women in Las Vegas earn $100 hour for what I do around here." So he grabs a suitcase and starts packing. "What are you doing?" she asks. "I'm moving to Las Vegas to see how you live on $200 a year."

walterguariento · #**748** 02.11.2009, 09:38

the only business that actually made the model "build them and they'll come" work is the vibrators factory

kevlegs · #**749** 02.11.2009, 09:52

My girlfriend left me the other day because apparently, 'I don't know anything about women'. Naturally I kicked her straight in the balls

oscarsmum · #**750** 02.11.2009, 15:23

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They

couldn't fix it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would[/font]

just walk home

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and[/font]

a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a

couple of chickens and a goose.. However, struggling outside the store he

now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady

who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to

Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close by

there and I would walk you to it, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the

bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and

carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl to

Mocking Bird Lane

On the way he said "Let's take my usual short cut and go down this

alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely

widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in

the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have

your wicked way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of

paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold

you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,

put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens..."

bARRON · #**751** 02.11.2009, 15:28

Q: Why do Sardars always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: Why do sardars have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: How can you tell when a sardar sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why can't sardars dial 911?
A: They can not find the eleven on the phone.

Q: How do you get a sardar on the roof?
A: Tell him the drinks are on the house.

Q: What do smart sardars and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but you never see them.

Q: Why does it take longer to build a sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear!

Q: How do you keep a Surd busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Q: A surd going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat?
A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
A: Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

For noobs, surd = sikhs

No offence to anyone

Verbier · #**752** 02.11.2009, 17:35

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida ...Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but all they do is jump up and down in it...with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Dervaish · #**753** 02.11.2009, 17:46

	Quote:	bARRON
	Q: Why do Sardars always smile during lightning storms? A: They think their picture is being taken. Q: Why do sardars have "TGIF" written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. Q: How can you tell when a sardar sends you a fax? A: It has a stamp on it. Q: Why can't sardars dial 911? A: They can not find the eleven on the phone. Q: How do you get a sardar on the roof? A: Tell him the drinks are on the house. Q: What do smart sardars and UFOs have in common? A: You always hear about them but you never see them. Q: Why does it take longer to build a sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head. Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear! Q: How do you keep a Surd busy all day? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. Q: A surd going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat? A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU? A: Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth. Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday? A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday. Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. For noobs, surd = sikhs No offence to anyone

Hahaha... are we going with Sardar jokes?
I got few.. just thought some might find it offensive

How do you tell a Sardar in a submarine?
The one with parachute.

What do you call a sardar with a spade?
Dig Deep Singh

etc etc...

Dervaish · #**754** 02.11.2009, 17:59

A Sardar Ji went to the City and bought a Mattress. On his way back, he got at the last stop adn was walking towards his village, when he came across one of his fellow Villagers.

Villager: Kidha Sardar ji, where you coming from?
Sardar Ji: From the city.

Villager: What you went there for?
Sardar JI: To buy a mattress.

Villager: How much?
Sardar Ji: 200 Rupees

Villager said: You got buggered mate and walked off!

Sardar Ji felt really embarassed and thought now all the village folk would think hes really stupid and cant bargain.

Anyway continued walking towards his village and came across another fellow villager.

Villager: Kidha Sardar ji, where from?
Sardar Ji: went to the city

Villager: What for?
Sardar JI: To buy a mattress.

Villager: How much?
Sardar Ji: 100 Rupees (thinking that might be the good price)

Villager said: You got buggered mate and walked off!

Now Sardar Ji is quite frustrated, and really feels that hes coming across as really stupid. Anyway carried on towards the village and comes across another Villager.

Villager: Kidha Sardar ji, where from?
Sardar Ji: went to the city

Villager: What for?
Sardar JI: To buy a mattress.

Villager: How much?
Sardar Ji: 50 Rupees

Villager said: You got buggered mate and walked off!

Now Sardar Ji is totally off the trolley and thinks to himself Im not talking this shyte no more.. next one who asks me gets it! And come across another Villager.

Villager: Kidha Sardar ji, where from?
Sardar Ji: Went to the city.

Villager: What for?
Sardar Ji: To get buggered!!

Villager said: And you took the mattress with you !!

(P.S. Sorry its a translation, hope it keeps the humour!)

MacGregor's Daughter · #**755** 02.11.2009, 18:33

OK I hope this is not already in one of the previous 36 pages:

At school the teacher asks the kids what their father's profession was.

Peter: My father is a bricklayer.

Teacher: Oh that's a very good job. Bricklayers are very important. What about you Frank?

Frank:My father is a plumber.

Teacher: That's also a very important job. What about you Reto?

Reto: My father is a stripper in a strip club.

The teacher is really upset and changes the subject. After school she takes little Reto aside and asks: Is your father really a stripper?

Says little Reto: Actually he works for UBS but that was too embarrassing to tell.

Verbier · #**756** 03.11.2009, 09:44

Making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment? '

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

sharkey · #**757** 03.11.2009, 14:07

Dervaish · #**758** 04.11.2009, 17:23

@Verbier Excellente!!!

NickH · #**759** 04.11.2009, 18:49

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known
as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots to maintenance
engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are
required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots'
squawks.

Problem - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Problem - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.

Problem - Something loose in cockpit.
Solution - Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem - Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution - Live bugs on backorder.

Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution - Evidence removed.

Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution - Volume set to more believable level.

Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution - That's what they are there for!

Problem - IFF inoperative.
Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution - Suspect you're right.

Problem - Number 3 engine missing.
Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem - Aircraft handles funny.
Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

Problem - Target radar hums.
Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Problem - Mouse in cockpit.
Solution - Cat installed.

Defect: The autopilot doesn't.
Action: IT DOES NOW.

Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.

Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.

Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.

Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

Maple Leaf · #**760** 05.11.2009, 18:14

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away ."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,
"because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!