know a good one? [jokes thread]

[devinder2801]

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.

He Said : "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who
wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added:
"And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to
crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He
said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my
life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds
trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted
out "....and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed
nursing burns from boiling water


Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!

[Natachika]

Just received by email:

Miss Beatrice the church organist,was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all..
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle
his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but
soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss
Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I
was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[Verbier]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter; tall, slim, long flowing hair, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God."

[thorrior]

a baby seal walks into a club.

[Deep Purple]

Excellent Verbier

[zürihegel]

	Quote:	Verbier
	...Oh My God...

[Phil_MCR]

I found a more extensive version:

During our work training we are given a mock cross-examination by a trained barrister (prosecuting lawyer).

They gave us this transcript to show that even the best can be made fools of (names may have been changed but damn funny reading)

Counsel: What is your name?
Chrysler: Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler.
Counsel: Is that your own name?
Chrysler: Whose name do you think it is?
Counsel: I am asking if it is your name.
Chrysler: And I have told you that it is. Why do you doubt it?
Counsel: It is not unknown for people to give false information in court.
Chrysler: Which court?
Counsel: This court.
Chrysler: What is the name of this court?
Counsel: This is number 5 Court.
Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court?
Counsel: It is quite immaterial what the name of this court is!
Chrysler: Then perhaps the it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name.
Counsel: No, not really because...
Judge: Mr. Lovelace.
Counsel: Yes your Honour?
Judge: I think Mr. Chrysler is running rings around you already. I would try a new line of attack, If I were you.
Counsel: Thank you, your Honour.
Chrysler: And thank you from ME, m’lud. It’s nice to be appreciated.
Judge: Shut up witness.
Chrysler: Willingly m’lud it would be an honour to be told to shut up by you. For you I would..
Judge: Shut up witness or I will fine you for contempt of court. Mr. Lovelace carry on.
Counsel: Now Mr. Chrysler, for let us assume that is your name – you are accused of purloining (stealing) in excess of 40,000 hotel coat hangers.
Chrysler: I am.
Counsel: Can you explain how this came about.
Chrysler: Yes, I had 40,000 coats to hang up.
Counsel: Is this true?
Chrysler: No.
Counsel: Then why did you say it?
Chrysler: In an attempt to throw you off balance.
Counsel: Off balance?
Chrysler: Certainly. As you know all barristers seek to undermine the confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must equally be open to the witness or defendant, to try and shake the confidence of a hostile barrister.
Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with me. You are only here to answer my questions.
Chrysler: Was that a question.
Counsel: No.
Chrysler: Then I cannot answer it then.
Judge: Mr. Lovelace might I point out you are still been given the run around here. You can do better than that. I hope for the sake of the English Bar that you can.
Counsel: Yes your Honour. Mr. Chrysler perhaps you can describe the reason you had to steal 40,000 coat hangers.
Chrysler: Is that a question?
Counsel: Yes.
Chrysler: It doesn’t sound like one. It sounds like a proposition which does not believe in itself. You know – “Perhaps I will describe the reason I had to steal 40,000 coat hangers...Perhaps I won’t...Perhaps I will sing a little song instead..”.
Judge: In fairness to Mr. Lovelace, witness I should remind you that barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question. Where you and I would say, “Where were you on Tuesday?”, they are more likley to say, “Perhaps you could inform the court of your precise whereabouts on the day after that Monday?”. It is not strictly a question or graceful English but you must pretend it is a question and answer it. Otherwise we will be here for ever. Do you understand?
Chrysler: Yes m’lud.
Counsel: Now Mr. Chrysler: why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing as you must have that hotel coat hangers are useless in their design outside of a hotel wardrobe.
Chrysler: Because I build and sell wardrobes that are specially designed to take nothing but hotel coat hangers.
Counsel: Now, Mr. Chrysler am I right in saying that hotel coat hangers do not have hooks on top but little studs that will only work on special racks?
Chrysler: That is correct.
Counsel: This design arose because so many hotel coat hangers were been stolen from their rightful owners?
Chrysler: That is correct.
Counsel: And they had no option but to change the design to stop them from been stolen?
Chrysler: That is not correct.
Counsel: That is not correct?
Chrysler: No. The world of hotels had not one but two options. They could change the design of the way they were hung yes, but they could also cheapen the hangers. The could have easily given guests inexpensive plastic or metal hangers, they would not have missed if they were stolen. But that would have lowered the tone of the hotel. Even chain hotels like a touch of class. They like giving guests high-class hangers made from solid wood. It makes themselves feel good, and makes the hangar worth stealing.
Counsel: And people come to you, do they asking you to make special wardrobes to so they can use their stolen hangers?
Chrysler: It isn’t so much that they are stolen that makes them attractive. You have to remember that may top businessmen spend more time in hotels than they do at home. They become used to hotel life. They think of hotels as home. Therefore they become used to hotel hangars and think of them as normal, and on the rare occasion at home they struggle with the ill fitting, loose, hooked hangers that we take as normal. So they come to me and get me to make a hotel-style wardrobe.
Counsel: Are you seriously suggesting that there are people who prefer hotel life to home life?
Chrysler: Certainly I know a lot of people who would never go home if they had the chance. So when they get home they like to create the hotel experience in their own house. Many clients have their own mini-bar in their bedrooms. They have a TV set at the end of the bed on a raised shelf, often with a sex channel playing. All their products come in wrappers and are thrown away each day. I have even known people in their own home to put out Do Not Disturb signs on their bedroom door.
Counsel: Stolen, presumably from some hapless hotel.
Chrysler: Never call a hotel hapless. They never lose money willingly. They know what they are doing. They may have things taken from them but the stuff customers leave behind is equally valuable.
Counsel: Are you serious when you say that clients of your drink from a mini bar in their own bedroom, in their own home?
Chrysler: Certainly and they grumble about the size, price, and lack of ice for the drink. Just like in a hotel.
Counsel: So why don’t they get a fridge in their bedroom?
Chrysler: Because then it would not be like a hotel.
Judge: Mr. Chrysler do your clients also have Gideon Bibles in their bedrooms?
Chrysler: Certainly I provided these as part of my service.
Judge: And where did you get the Gideon Bibles from?
Chrysler: Alas these too have been taken from hotels.
Judge: So why are you not also up on charges for stealing Bibles as well?
Chrysler: Because the Gideon Bible do not belong to the hotels. They belong to the Gideon Society, who have decided not to prosecute me and told me to go and sin no more.
Judge: And have you sinned no more?
Chrysler: Since I am here I can only say no.

[PaddyG]

Apparently they don't appreciate the Flintstones in much of the Middle East, but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

[Verbier]

The Black Bra

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 25+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you."

Then, we made love all night long..

The mistress:

Me too!
The other night I met my lover at his office, and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

[Dervaish]

"May the fleas of thousand Afghan camels infest the crotch of the person who phucks up your day and may his arms be too short to scratch." Amen

[oscarsmum]

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.

Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I think I’ve killed her"

Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"

CLICK,…….BANG


Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

[slammer]

A woman gives birth to a baby….. Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”

The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???”

The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

The woman says, “A hermaphrodite… what’s that???”

The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the…er…features… of a male and a female.”

The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my God! You mean it has a penis…AND a brain ???!!!”

[Verbier]

Ed & Dorothy


Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.

He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants,concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added, "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off ..."

[vanjaar]

What is an Irishman



*An Irishman is a man who?
*
*May not believe there is a God,
but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope...
Won't eat meat on Friday,
but will drink Jameson for breakfast... ..
Has great respect for the truth,
he uses in emergencies. ..
Sees things not as they are
but the way they never will be.....
Cries at sad movies,
but cheers in battle....
Hates the English,
but reserves his cruelty for countryman.. ..
Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.....
Believes in civil rights,
but not in his neighborhood. ..
Believes to forgive is divine,
therefore doesn't exercise it himself....
Loves religion for its own sake,
but also because it makes it so
inconvenient for his neighbors... .
Scorns money,
but worships those who have it...
Considers any Irishman who
achieves success to be a traitor...*

[Verbier]

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,
'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!'

[Verbier]

What a Friend We have in Jesus

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin to sing: ' What a friend we have in Jesus ' Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

[zürihegel]

	Quote:	Verbier
	...Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin to sing: ' What a friend we have in Jesus ' Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

[Eire]

	Quote:	zürihegel

Please remove the links from those thanks icons! I just inadvertently thanked Hoppy because of them!

[kevlegs]

I'm not anti-Christian.

I just don't like lies.

[kevlegs]

My Dad used to be pretty good at drawing.

He shot my Mum dead before she'd even noticed him reach for his pistol.