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  #61  
Old 30.03.2007, 18:01
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”
“Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago,” she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is immediately dizzy with excitement.
Here’s the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer” she says. “I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really” he says, swallowing hard, “what myths are those?”
“Well” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent.”
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
“I’m sorry” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”
“Tonto,” the man says, as he extends his hand… “Tonto Papadopoulos.”
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  #62  
Old 03.04.2007, 23:23
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Definitely not pc!

2 male dwarfs get lucky in a bar one night and take the ladies home for some ents. Its not going too well for dwarf #1, who's suffering performance problems, already feeling inadequate it doesn't help that he can hear dwarf #2 in the ajoining room shouting '1, 2, 3 whoop.....1, 2, 3 whoop.....1, 2, 3 whoop' with accompanying boings of the bed springs.
The next morning after the ladies leave, they compare notes, dwarf 1 states that his night was a disaster plagued by performance problems to which dwarf 2 replies ' you think you had problems, I couldn't even get up onto the bed'
__________________
Completely hatstand!
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  #63  
Old 27.05.2007, 17:09
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

One for the girls.....

In the beginning God created Eve.

And she had 3 breasts.
After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How're things ,Eve?", He asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I just have this one problem.
It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"

So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.

"Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked.

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this!
You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!"






"Now, let's see ....... where did I put that useless tit?"
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  #64  
Old 27.05.2007, 19:04
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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  #65  
Old 28.05.2007, 01:02
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Charles is visiting his longtime friend at Dave’s farm. As it is Charles first visit he walks around the barnyard to get acquainted with farm life. He notices a pig in the barnyard and when he approaches he sees the pig has a wooden leg.
Dave joins him in the barnyard and Charles asks "Why does that pig have a wooden leg?"
Dave says that it is an exceptional pig as he explains. "One night a couple of years ago some embers blew out of the fireplace and set the house afire. The pig saw what was happening and pounded on the front door with his snout until we awoke and we were able to escaped the flames."
Charles said "I understand he is a remarkable pig but why does he have a wooded leg?"
Dave continues. "A year ago I was plowing the field and on that hill by the barn the tractor rolled over pinning me under the tractor. Gasoline was pouring from the gas tank and I was in terrible trouble. The pig saw what was happening and ran over and dug around me and I was able to escape before the tractor erupted in flames."
Charles said he agreed it was truly a remarkable pig but insistently asks: "Why does the pig have a wooden leg?"
Dave’s said: "Well, when you get a pig that good you don’t eat him all at once."
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  #66  
Old 28.05.2007, 01:28
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man walks into a bar - "Ow!"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
A quantum physicist walks through the bar...
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  #67  
Old 28.05.2007, 11:53
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Van Gogh Relatives

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.


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  #68  
Old 28.05.2007, 12:06
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

OK Folks, maybe this is a true story, but if it isn't, it makes a damn good read!

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a Worst Job Experience Contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sis,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.

However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, was laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jelly fish bad day!
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  #69  
Old 28.05.2007, 13:37
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

If the Bald Eagle is the symbol of freedom and the Dove is the symbol of peace, what bird is the symbole of love?















The swallow.
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  #70  
Old 28.05.2007, 14:04
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

If it takes a hen and a half a day and a half to lay an egg and a half,
How long will it take a monkey with a wooden leg to bore a hole through an onion?

If it takes forty seven yards of calico to make an elephant a dress,
How long will it take to will it tkae for a crazed giraffe to kick the sh*t out of a watermelon?


The answer to the first one is: 2 oranges.

The answer to the second is: 3 lollipops.
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  #71  
Old 28.05.2007, 14:05
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Why is an orange?
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  #72  
Old 28.05.2007, 14:15
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A mathematician is going to build a barbecue pit in his back yard. He sits down at his desk and computes his needs for bricks, sand, cement, wood for forms, everything. He orders the supplies and build the barbecue. When he is done he has one brick left over.

He goes over his calculations again, no errors. He goes over the invoice from the building supplier but can find no errors. He repeats his review again. Nothing.

He is at wits end when his neighbor comes by and seeing his frustration asks what is troubling him. The mathematician tells his neighbor and asks what he should do.

The neighbor takes the brick and throws it up into the air.
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  #73  
Old 28.05.2007, 14:35
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a airplane. The man is smoking a cigar and the woman is holding a snippy little dog. The cigar smoke is apparently bothering the dog and the dog is barking, annoying the man. The man and woman get into an argument over the barking and smoking but can't agree on what to do.

They call a Stewardess and ask her. She takes the dog and the cigar and proceeds to the back door of the plane where she open the door and chucks both of them out of the plane.

The plane hit an downdraft and the plane descends a few thousand feet and the dog comes flying back into the plane. What do you think he had in his mouth?


No, the brick.
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  #74  
Old 28.05.2007, 19:10
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A guy is driving his car down the motorway when all of a sudden he is
hit from behind by another vehicle. He turns around and is surprised to
see that the driver of the vehicle is actually a dwarf!

The dwarf gets out and starts shouting at the driver : "what the hell
do you think you were doing, braking sharply like that? I'm not bloody
happy!

The man replies, "well if you're not happy, which one are you?"
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  #75  
Old 28.05.2007, 19:37
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tellsthe mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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  #76  
Old 28.05.2007, 19:48
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with the
meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. There ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still great places
to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.


personally number three is my favourite ....
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  #77  
Old 28.05.2007, 19:56
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Get Your “Blues Name” Here
From the first list, take the name using the initial of your first name.
From the second list, do the same with your middle name.
From the third, your surname.
First List
A= Fat; B=Muddy ; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin’; G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty; M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red; P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny; S=Blind; T=Big; U= Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin’; X=Fat Boy; Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye
Second List
A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer; H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot;O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken; V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke
Third List
A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown; G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith;L=Parker; M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson;S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson;Y=Blue; Z=Allison
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  #78  
Old 28.05.2007, 20:05
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
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Get Your “Blues Name” Here
I will now be known as "Sleepy Gumbo Rivers" ... woo yay
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  #79  
Old 28.05.2007, 20:08
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

How about :

"Got me a Meat Shakin' Woman, Meat shakin' on the bone,
Got me a Meat Shakin' Woman, Meat shakin' on the bone,
Every time she Dance some good man's dollars gone.."
(Blind Boy Fuller, Meat Shakin Woman)

or

"You're evil when I'm with you
and you're jealous when we're apart
Yes you're evil when I'm with you baby
Lord have mercy, you're jealous when we're apart
How blue can you get
Hey that's a writing in my heart
I gave you a brand new Ford
and you just said I want a Cadillac !
I bought you a ten dollar dinner
You said Thanks for the snack !
I let you live in my penthouse
You said it was just a shack !
I gave you seven children
and now you wanna give 'em back !
"
(BB King, Live at The Regal)


or



" I might as well go on back down
go back 'cross yonder over the hill
I might as well go back over yonder
way back over yonder 'cross the hill,
(That's where I came from.)
'Cause if my baby don't love me no more,
I know her sister will..
"

(Jimi Hendrix version of Red House)


Incidentally the "live at The Regal" is one of the best live albums ever made and should form the cornerstone of any blues enthusiast's collection.


dave


Quote:
View Post
HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with the
meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
...

personally number three is my favourite ....
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  #80  
Old 28.05.2007, 20:10
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Good one DaveA, from "Skinny mumbo Bailey"
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