know a good one? [jokes thread]

[kevlegs]

A french wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

[Alan_Zurich]

Sarah-Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

The barman asks inquisitively, "why the long face?"

[higgybaby]

	Quote:	kevlegs
	He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Nice one, reminded me of this one :

There's a bloke whose wife has gone out for the evening and he's able to have a nice night in, sitting in front of the TV having a few beers and watching his favourite football team.

Just as the game starts getting exciting, he hears a knock at the door. When he answers, there's no one there. So he goes back to his match and he's missed his team scoring a goal.

Very miffed he hears the doorbell go again. He opens it and again can't see anyone, but then just before he's about to close the door, he hears a small voice say, "Excuse me sir, could I interest you in a set of encyclopaedias?" He looks down and sees a snail on his doorstep. Then he hears the crowd cheering again on the TV. He's so angered at being dragged away and missing two goals he kicks the poor snail off his front steps and into the garden, before returning inside.

Two months later, there's a knock at the door. When he answers, there's no one there again. He looks down and sees the snail, who asks "What did you do that for?"

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day, he received a hundreds replies, all saying the same thing: "You can have mine."

[higgybaby]

An elderly gentleman shuffles into a newspaper office and asks if he can place a piece in the obituaries section.
“No problem sir,” says the girl behind the desk. “That’ll be a pound per word.” Nodding slowly, the old man writes “Doris Is Dead” on a piece of paper. “Is that all you want to put?” asks the girl.
“I only have three pounds, my dear,” says the pensioner, starting to leave. The girl, feeling sorry for the old man, says she will go up and speak to the editor. Moments later, she returns from the office, grinning broadly. “Good news,” she says. “The editor says you can have another three pounds-worth of words.”
Smiling gratefully, the old man takes another piece of paper and thinks for a moment. Shakily, he writes: “Doris Is Dead. Escort For Sale.”

[higgybaby]

	Quote:	kevlegs
	My Dad used to be pretty good at drawing. He shot my Mum dead before she'd even noticed him reach for his pistol.

I heard British comedian Les Dawson tell this joke, but apparently it's a Christmas quote from boxer Jake Lamotta!!!
“We were so poor, every Christmas Eve my old man would go outside and fire his gun, then come in and tell us that Santa Claus had shot himself!”

[NickH]

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

[Verbier]

Little Johnny

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.



Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."



Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."



Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"



Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."



Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."



Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.



Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"



Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."



Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."



Johnny is even madder than before.



Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"



Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."



Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."



Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.



When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"



The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"



Johnny: Yelled, "TIGER WOODS". SEE YOU NEXT YEAR !

[swissotter]

50 of the best jokes of the noughties

a bit corny, more quotes than jokes- but does remind me of the past decade...

[HollidayG]

Two Woodpeckers:

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.



The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.



The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[kevlegs]

It breaks my heart every year on Christmas eve walking by the local orphanage and seeing all those little sad faces peering out of the windows, so I have decided that I am going to make a difference this year. I'm gonna walk a different way home.

[Deep Purple]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high"

[dod]

The English, feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats,
having now raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved," are
considering even raising them yet again to "Irritated" or even a "Bit
Cross," a level not seen since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but
ran out. The terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance,." a designation not used since the great
fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
*******s" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has
increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on
all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce squadron of spotty
teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy toy boats in the Prime
Miniister's bath) New Zealand's considering the final level of escalation,
"****, hope the Australians will come and rescue us."

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!',
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is
cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level

[Rob]

You can probably work out my football loyalties from this. (plus the fact that I come from Manchester)

A Man United fan dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the gates by St Peter who asks if he has any questions before entering.

The Man United fan asks if there are any Man City Players in heaven? St Peter tells the United fan that there are none. So off he goes in through the pearly gates.

He has only been there 20 minutes and sees this bloke in full Man City kit. Enraged he goes to find St Peter who says that this is impossible. The United fan takes this on face value and cracks on.

Another hour passes and the United fan sees the same bloke in full City gear doing a bit of ball skills. He grabs St Peter and takes him to where he spotted the City player and sure enough there he is.

On seeing this bloke St Peter explains that this man is God. He's not a City player. He just wishes he was.

[Rob]

This is an Incredible story!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

I guess it wasn't the same elephant, after all.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming BS stories.

[zubin]

When Thomas Wolfe dedicated his first, very lengthy, novel to his editor Maxwell Perkins, a proof copy was sent to F.Scott Fitzgerald for his opinion.
"Dear Max", Fitzgerald wrote, "I liked the dedication, but after that I thought it fell off a bit".
***

Lady Astor was once completely nonplussed by an American sailor outside the Palace of Westminster. Seeing the young man staring in bewilderment at the facade of the House of Commons, she said to him:
"Would you like to go in?"
He answered: "You're the sort of broad my mother told me to avoid".

[Verbier]

LAST REQUEST:

An Englishman,Irishman, a Scot and an Aussie were kidnapped by terrorists after binge drinking Foster's Lager.

No one would pay the ransom demanded.

So it was decided by the terrorists to execute them.

They gave each man a last request....

The Scotsman said "Could I listen to Andy Stewart singing Scotland the Brave"

The Aussie said "Could I hear Rolf Harris singing Two Little Boys"

The Irishman said "Could I listen to John McCormac singing Danny Boy before I die"

The Englishman said "Please shoot me first"

[cannut]

Live saver sales rep, gos to a first grade class room to test the new product .Honey flavored live saver.
First he hands out "Orange" flavored live saver ,and all the kids come up with the answer "Orange" .Second one is "Mint" ,same thing the kids got the answer "Mint" ,same with "Cherry" flavored
Now the time has come to introduce the new "Honey" flavored live saver . Non of the kids come up with the answer , so the sales rep gives the kids a hint ."Some time your mommy and daddy call each other this "
immediately Peter spits his live saver out ,and yells ,"those are a$$e holes"

[Macchiato]

I consider this as a picturial joke:
Why woman can't be a mechanic?

http://www.binscorner.com/pages/w/wh...amechanic.html

[higgybaby]

The economy is so bad that:


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.