know a good one? [jokes thread]

[higgybaby]

The teacher was helping one of her class pupils put on his boots.
He had asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

[slammer]

Ahh Higgybaby, how I love the stories of the good 'ol days

[Uncle Max]

[Dervaish]

Little Boy on the Bus

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

[dod]

Husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

[Dervaish]

JAMES BOND MEETS A TELUGU GUY...............

On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Telugu guy.

James Bond: "My name is Bond" (smiles and says)... James Bond."
Then Bond asks: "And you?"

Telugu Guy: " My name is Rao...
Siva Rao...
Samba Siva Rao...
Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao..."

James Bond faints!!!

[Dervaish]

An Irish guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bit ch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[Deep Purple]

An old pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sipped his coffee, a beautiful young blonde sat down next to him.
She turned to him and asked, ”Are you a real pilot??”

He replied, ”Well, I spent my entire adult life flying airplanes; Piper Cubs, Aeronca's; flew Corsairs in WWII and later in the Korean conflict;
taught 50 people to fly and give rides to hundreds; flew many airlines, and retired as a Boeing 747 Captain ... so I reckon, I am a pilot.”

She said, ”Wow!! I'm impressed! Well, I am a lesbian! I spend all my time thinking about beautiful naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women. Seems like just about everything makes me think of naked women. So, that's why I am a lesbian.”

The two sat sipping their coffee in silence.

Later, a young man sat down on the other side of the pilot and asked, ”Are you a real pilot?”

He replied, ”Well, I had always thought I was, but I just learned ... that I'm a lesbian.”

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to
spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at
the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only
been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[MrVertigo]

a swiss couple (Urs and Heidi) and a german couple (Fritz and Helga) on vacation in a turkish resort met for the first time during a diner. The sympathy worked out between the couples and they decided to spend the whole week together. They had a great time discovering the country and having fun. During that week the swiss had to make a big effort to speak high german.

On the last day of their stay, the german couple was about to leave and take the bus to the airport. They huged each other full of emotions and some tears appeared in their eyes. They promised to meet again in Germany or Switzerland. That's when Helga told Heidi: "I'm so glad we met you. I was always told that swiss german was another language and difficult to understand....but actually I understood every single thing you said!"

[Joseph]

	Quote:	MrVertigo
	a swiss couple (Urs and Heidi) and a german couple (Fritz and Helga) on vacation in a turkish resort met for the first time during a diner. The sympathy worked between the couples and they decided to spend the whole week together. They had a great time discovering the country and having fun. During that week the swiss had to make a big effort to speak high german. On the last day of their stay, the german couple was about to leave and take the bus to the airport. They huged each other full of emotions and some tears appeared in their eyes. They promised to meet again in Germany or Switzerland. That's when Helga told Heidi: "I'm so glad we met you. I was always told that swiss german was another language and difficult to understand....but actually I understood every single thing you said!"

Well I don't understand that joke and, as for, "the sympathy worked between the couples" what computer programme did you use to translate that?

[MrVertigo]

Jokes is like a foreign language: you understand or you don't

As for english, it's not my mother tongue but it has been good enough so far to communicate with most people. I also speak and write in 4 other languages.

[Joseph]

	Quote:	MrVertigo
	Jokes is like a foreign language: you understand or you don't As for english, it's not my mother tongue but it has been good enough so far to communicate with most people. I also speak and write in 4 other languages.

Quantity rather than quality then

[slammer]

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever as long as they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.

One day, his supply of the birds ran low, so he had to go out and trap some more. The only ones he could find, though, were fledgling chicks.

On the way back to the laboratory, he spied two lions asleep on the road.

Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Unfortunately, he was immediately stopped by an police officer, who arrested and charged him with ......

are you ready????

transporting underaged gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

[higgybaby]

	Quote:	Deep Purple
	An old pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sipped his coffee, a beautiful young blonde sat down next to him. She turned to him and asked, ”Are you a real pilot??” He replied, ”Well, I spent my entire adult life flying airplanes; Piper Cubs, Aeronca's; flew Corsairs in WWII and later in the Korean conflict; taught 50 people to fly and give rides to hundreds; flew many airlines, and retired as a Boeing 747 Captain ... so I reckon, I am a pilot.” She said, ”Wow!! I'm impressed! Well, I am a lesbian! I spend all my time thinking about beautiful naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. Seems like just about everything makes me think of naked women. So, that's why I am a lesbian.” The two sat sipping their coffee in silence. Later, a young man sat down on the other side of the pilot and asked, ”Are you a real pilot?” He replied, ”Well, I had always thought I was, but I just learned ... that I'm a lesbian.”

Courtesy of Steven Wright .....

My bus came and I sat down next to this beautiful blonde Chinese girl. I said, "Hello," and she said, "Hello." And I said, "Isn't it an amazing day?" And she said, "Yes, it is, I guess." I said, "What do you mean, you guess?" She said, "Well, things haven't been going too well for me lately." I said, "like what?" She said, " I can't tell you, I don't even know you." I said, "Yeah, but sometimes it's good to tell your problems to an absolute, total stranger on a bus." She said, "Well, I just came back from my analyst, and he's still unable to help me." I said, "What's the problem?" She paused and said, "I'm a nymphomaniac but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys." And she said, "By the way, my name is Diane." I said, "Hello, Diane, I'm Bucky Goldstein."

[higgybaby]

It was sad the other day, my gran died. It was actually during her own her 100th birthday party.
What made it even more traumatic was that she died right in front of us while we were giving her the bumps.

[Dervaish]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[Steph_80]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : ‘Nothing’
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'

-------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

--------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

[JonC]

A guy with a drink problems has been told by his wife that he comes home drunk again, she'll leave him.

He ignores this one night, goes to a bar and drinks so much he vomits down his shirt. Turning to his friend he says 'This is terrible, she'll know for sure I've been out drinking'.

His friend replies 'It's fine. Just stick a 20 pound note in your pocket and tell her that someone vomited on you and gave you the money for dry cleaning.

So he gets home and sure enough his wife is mad. So the man points to his pocket and explains the story. To which his wife replies, 'but there's 40 pounds there'.

The man replies 'Yeah, the guy sh*t in my pants too'.

[higgybaby]

	Quote:	Steph_80
	A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and was shocked to see her daughter-in-law opening the door totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

Embarassed, the daughter-in-law answered, "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work."

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law said.

" Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained, "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered.

"It needs ironing," he said.