know a good one? [jokes thread]

[PaddyG]

	Quote:	higgybaby
	[/FONT] A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door and was shocked to see her daughter-in-law opening the door totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked. Embarassed, the daughter-in-law answered, "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work." "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law said. " Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained, "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me" The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress." she whispered. "It needs ironing," he said.

Brilliant!

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sexwill do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/e...re/3457965.stm

http://www.20min.ch/news/basel/story...lucht-28056417

[asdfasdf]

Why is Santa Claus so Jolly?

He knows where the naughty girls live

[higgybaby]

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?
He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a dog.

[Smith13]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly... They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.

[vanjaar]

Kanjibhai an Indian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK .

Kanjibhai stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'

Kanjibhai goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'

The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'

The newlr arrived Kanjibhai walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !'

Kanjibhai sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'

She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, Kanjibhai asks her, 'Where are all the British?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

[Rob]

Dave is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1976 football league cup final?"

"Manchester City," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Newcastle," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Dennis Tueart."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Manchester, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to American and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "An overhead kick."

[higgybaby]

Here's a good one for the Easter holiday.....

	Quote:
	Voice Mail With God Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: Thank you for calling heaven. For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3 Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all others I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to: God, press 1 Jesus, press 2 Holy spirit, press 3 To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. (If your receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666) For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3-16. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics. Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. Thank you and have a heavenly day.

[Deep Purple]

Whether Conservative, Liberal Democrat, Labour or one of the others I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep s**t.'

[SwissPete]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[outrage]

	Quote:	Fraser
	ha ha ha ha ha ha....wait, I don't get that at all. In fact, I think you just made it up right now. Don't recall ever seeing a fridge made by Lucas. Why do all Americans drink warm beer? Coz their beer tastes like **** and it's hardly worth chilling it.

Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?





They're both ing close to water!

A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices.

"The Tao is embodied in all software - regardless of how insignificant.", said the master.

"Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?", asked the novice.

"It is.", came the reply.

"Is the Tao in a video game?", continued the novice.

"Even in a video game." said the master.

"And is the Tao in the OS for an iPad?"

The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today.", he said.

[kevlegs]

Some bloke at a bus stop earlier hit me on the legs with a stick for no reason.

Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living shite out of him.

Just for good measure, I kicked his Labrador as well.

[outrage]

In today's Observer...

Bob Monkhouse "They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now."

[Wasted]

Zeus the greek god was flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a georgeous woman naked washing herself.

He made love to her then stroked her face and told her "In nine months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules!"

She dressed herself smiled and replied "In nine days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes"

[walterguariento]

Wife asks her husband if she can have a boob job 'cos she'd like a bigger breast
Husband replies: "Just rub some toilet paper between your boobs everyday and they'll get bigger without going to the surgeon"
Wife says: "That's rubbish, it'll never work"
Husband replies "Well, it worked for your bum"

[higgybaby]

Forbidden and confused love.....



A lion is ing a zebra when all of a sudden another zebra appears on on the top of a hill. So the zebra says to the lion, "That's my wife, make out like you're trying to kill me."


Garry Shandling's favourite Woody Allen joke.

[Verbier]

A Letter To Jessie James

You Stupid Bastid! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were pokin' away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated a-hole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself?!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of chit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.


~Tiger

Since it's been that sort of day...

Santa Claus, like all pilots (well, OK, with the exception of this guy),
gets regular visits from his friendly neighbourhood aviation authority.

The examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation,
Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. He got his
logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they
would also examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose; he painstakingly reviewed
Santa's W&B calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his
lapstrap and shoulder harness, and aligned the DI to the compass.

Then the examiner hopped in. He was carrying, much to Santa's surprise,
a shotgun.

“What's the hell's that for?” exclaimed Santa.

The examiner winked and said, “I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of
time,” and leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, “but you're gonna lose
an engine on takeoff.”