Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "In that case we'd like to set up our wedding registry here..."
__________________ Nothing of value kept in this post overnight.
THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY ALL PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT -- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviare and champagne.
Also present is the devil, a really very friendly, nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven.
Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and malodorous garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more stinking trash constantly rains from above.
The devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviare, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time..
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning...
Today you voted...
__________________ "I'll say I can't tell you when, But if my spirit is strong, I know it can't be long, No questions I'm not alone, Somehow I'll find my way home" Rod
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child..
If she stayed in Italy To raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And Write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support payment to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'You received a very strange postcard today,' she said.
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he replied. The Wife obeyed.
And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda
That's a great site to cheer up Liverpool fans. They can pretend they're top of the premiership by blocking out the six teams above them.
Sorry summerrain
One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." What happened to her? " The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife whenthe dog attacked and killed her also. " A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied "Join the queue."
This joke is taken from the John Smith's commercial on British TV.
There are a group of friends chatting at a meal out. Over drinks, they are talking about famous people they fancy.
For fun one woman asks her husband, "If you could have sex with any woman, who would it be?" Husband immediately replies dutifully, "Oh no-one. I'm so much in love with you." She laughs and says, "No go one. I know you love me. Just for fun, who would you most like to make love to from anyone on Earth? Megan Fox maybe?" He chuckles back, "No seriously, you're more than enough woman for me. You're the only one for me." "Come on, it's only a game. Of all the women on Earth, which woman would you want? Angelina Jolie?" Without thinking he says, "Oh okay then. Claire from the sales department at work."
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
__________________
"You have reached the end of you free trial membership at BenjaminFranklinQuotes.com" -Benjamin Franklin
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!"
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
__________________
Floccinaucinihilipilification: act of describing something as useless.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!"
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!"
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
I thought Morrissey was going to appear somewhere in the punchline . . .
A bear and a bunny lived in the same forest, and they hated each other. One day they found an oil lamp, and they both rushed to rub it, and a genie popped out. The bear and the bunny started fighting over who would get the wishes from the genie. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally told them that he would grant them each 3 wishes if they would just leave him alone.
The pair agreed.
The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the bears in this forest were female, and all in love with me." The genie snapped his fingers, *poof*, and granted the wish.
The bunny wished for a motorcycle. The genie snapped his fingers, *poof*, and there was a shiny, super-powered bunny-sized motorcycle.
The bear made his second wish: "I wish...that all the bears in this country were female and all in love with me!" The genie snapped his fingers, *poof*, and granted the wish.
The bunny wished for a helmet to go with his motorcycle. The genie snapped his fingers, *poof*, and there was a helmet.
For his third wish, the bear said, "I wish...that all the bears in the world were female, and all in love with me!" The genie snapped his fingers, *poof*, and granted the wish.
The bunny put on his helmet, climbed on the motorcycle, and started revving the engine. As he started riding away at top speed, he called out over his shoulder, "I wish the bear were gay."
-------------------------------
A bear and a bunny lived in the same forest, and they hated each other. One day the bear said to the bunny - I have a terrible problem, every time I crap it sticks to my fur and is hard to get off.
Have you ever had a problem like that.
No never the bunny said
Good, said the bear as he picked up the bunny and wiped his ass with him
__________________
We actually don't keep track of that record... You need to call the European fecal standards and measuremments office in Zürich, their number is listed on thier website
Q: What is standing at the Swiss/German border with an IQ of 1? A: Swiss Customs Officer Q: What is standing at the Swiss/German border with an IQ of 101? A: Swiss Customs Officer with a German Shepherd dog
A guy went away on holiday; partway through the holiday, he rings his sister (who's been minding his cat) to find out how it's going...
Sister: "Your cat died."
Brother (horrified): "You can't just blurt it out like that!! You need to soften the blow, FFS!!!."
Sister: "What do you mean?"
Brother: "Well, the first day I ring, you say 'The cat's stuck on the garage roof, and we can't get her down.' "
Sister: "Oh, ok."
Brother: "The next day I ring, you say - 'The cat's fallen from the roof, and we've taken her to the vet.' "
Sister: "Uh-huh."
Brother: "And on the third day you say 'Unfortunately the vet couldn't do much but help with the pain, and the cat's passed away.' "
Sister: "Ok, I get it!"
Brother: "By the way, how's mum doing?"
Sister: "She's stuck on the garage roof, and we can't get her down."
St Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates, but unfortunately heaven is getting a bit over-crowded so he has a temporary 'extraordinary deaths' only policy in place. A man arrives and explains that he had heard that his wife was having an affair but when he arrived at his flat he could see no sign of a man. However, on going onto the terrace he spotted a man hanging on by his fingertips, so he promptly hit has hands with a hammer and the other guy fell. Much to the first man's dismay, this guy's fall was broken by a bush so the first guy dropped a fridge on top of him to finish him off, but in doing so suffered a heart attack and died. On hearing this, St Peter agreed that this was indeed an extraordinary death and allowed him past. Shortly afterwards a second man arrived at the gates. He explained to St Peter that he had been walking onto his terrace for breakfast when he tripped over the cat and hurtled over the railings, only to end up clutching the edge of the terrace one floor below. Thinking he had been lucky, some guy turned up and hit his hands with a hammer causing him to fall off and then promptly threw a fridge on top of him. Again, St Peter agreed that this had been an extraodinary death and let him enter. Then, a third guy arrived. When asked by St Peter what had happened to him he replied 'Well, I was sitting in a fridge ...', whereupon St Peter stopped him and said 'OK, OK, you can enter ...'
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time, also in supermarkets).
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
__________________
We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.
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