know a good one? [jokes thread]

	Quote:	weejeem
	Cole's Law A salad comprised primarily of shredded raw cabbage.

Out Law
When you do bring along an umbrella, it won't rain; if you don't, chances are it will.

[outrage]

You omitted Murphy's Distinction, namely:-

There are two kinds of people. People who divide people into two kinds; and people who don't.

[Rob]

[Rob]

	Quote:	outrage
	You omitted Murphy's Distinction, namely:- There are two kinds of people. People who divide people into two kinds; and people who don't.

I always thought that there were only 10 kinds of people. Those who understand Binary and those who don't.

[Rob]

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

[NotAllThere]

I went to the doctors because of an unpleasant growth on my testicles. He had a look, and told me that there was this steering wheel attached to my scrotum. So I said "Can you do anything about it? It's driving me nuts".

[oscarsmum]

Mick and Paddy

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


------------ --------- --------oOo- -----------


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by adozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"



------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your plane!"




------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------


Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Micksays "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !”

[corrieorrie]

A lady calls in to visit her married Son and walks in to find his wife lying seductively on the sofa with no clothes on, Oh my god! she say's, you're naked, no says the daughter in law, I'm wearing my love suit. But you're naked said the mother in law. Yes she said, but when Jason comes in from work and see's me wearing my love suit, he can't resist me and makes mad, passionate love to me.

The Mother in law turned on her heel and went home......

When she got there she took off all her clothes and lay seductively on the sofa waiting for her husband to return home from work. He walked in and said, My god woman you're naked!! no she said, I'm wearing my love suit

Oh, he said, well it needs a bloody iron!!

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[Verbier]

A short Scottish Joke:


A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

[tr_karthik]

Few scripts from Jimmy Carr:

Taxi Driver: Iam a proud owner of this taxi. I travel everywhere and make my own rules leading a happy life. The best thing is that i dont need to be bossed around.
Passenger: Take that right and then next left.

A homeless gets off in a bus-stop everyone wonders, how does he know that it was his stop ?

[slammer]

A guy walks into USB in Zürich and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the guy, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million Chuff´s in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

[Rob]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.


The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"


Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"


Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."


Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"


"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."


"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"


"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."


"Aggressive and hostile?"


"Yes, Sir?



"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"


"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

[Rob]

A British Army Joke.



A large party of Taliban soldiers are moving down


a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One British soldier is better than ten Taliban."




The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune; whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.


The same voice then calls out:

"One Brit is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers."

Furious, the Taliban Commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences.

After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The English voice called:

"One Brit is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune.

Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.


Finally, one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over
the sand-dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's two of them."

[slammer]

> The Moral of Auntie Sharon
>
> A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get
> their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
> The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
> their stories.
>
> Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of
> egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket
> on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all
> the eggs got broken.'
>
> 'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.
>
> 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
>
> 'Very good,' said the teacher.
>
> Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are
> farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
> dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
> moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
> hatched'.'
>
> 'That was a fine story Sarah.'
>
> Michael, do you have a story to share?'
>
> 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty
> Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane
> got hit.
>
> She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a
> bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
>
> She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
> then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
>
> She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
> ran out of bullets.
>
> Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
> broke.
> And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
>
>
> 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral
> did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
>
>
> 'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.

[Dervaish]

Dear Employee:As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW.SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

[MrVertigo]

I wish i could die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather........and not screaming of panic like his passengers.

[Dervaish]

	Quote:	MrVertigo
	I wish i could die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather........and not screaming of panic like his passengers.

Hahahahahaha... Cracked me right up!!!

You deserve another greenie, but its not allowing me to. So as soon as I am able to... you'll have it!

There’s a meteorological term for a sunny, warm day which follows two dull, rainy days.





It’s called Monday.

[kevlegs]

I was speaking to my friend today and asked him, "If I feked your Mum, would it make us enemies?"

He replied, "No."

Confused, I responded, "Would it make us friends?"

He again replied, "No."

So I said, "What would it make us?"

He said, "Even".