know a good one? [jokes thread]

[MrVertigo]

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

	Quote:	FrankS
	Let's see if you also check German language-based jokes: Was liegt am Strand und spricht undeutlich? Eine Nuschel.

Well, I found it funny, but i guess you're fighting against the tide here...

[Nelly_Da_Hefferlump]

Two highway workers were busy working at a construction site when a big car
with diplomatic license plates pulled up.
"Parlez-vous français?" the driver asks them. The two
workers just stared.
"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" The two continued to stare at him.
"Fala português?" Neither worker said anything.
"Parlate Italiano?" Still no response.
Finally, the man drives off in disgust.
One worker turned to the other and said, "Gee, maybe we should learn a
foreign language..."
"What for? That guy knew four of them and what good did it do him?"

[slammer]

	Quote:	weejeem
	Well, I found it funny, but i guess you're fighting against the tide here...

You are not and it is funny.

[SwissPete]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth
__________________________________________________ ______

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Lyndon B. Johnson
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An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Ernest Hemingway
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Paul Hornung
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24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

H.L. Mencken
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When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

George Bernard Shaw
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Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Benjamin Franklin
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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Dave Barry
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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.

W.C. Fields
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Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher
__________________________________________________ ______

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.!
__________________________________________________ ______

[Cashboy]

BRIAN

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like
"Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like
that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he
could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if
she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
f****ing' widow."

[stacey522]

	Quote:	MrVertigo
	Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Hahaha!! I love jokes that literally make me laugh out loud

I have lost weight and my pants keep falling down exposing my G-string. s to impress my husband at a romantic moment, I tried to do the tablecloth trick with my pants i.e yank them free while everything stays in place, except at my age, not everything stays in place. so he wasn't that impressed. The G-Staring looked more like a cheese-wire on dough.
Oh well, here are some jokes and yes they are probably innapropriate- so may get banned OK guess I'd better not post them- here's a milder one.



My girlfriend is so fat that when she fell down the stairs
I thought eastenders was finishing !!!!!!!!

[miss_bean]

Never Argue with women!
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, ( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies ,


'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

[gbn]

If they don't find this Moat chap by next week, the £10,000 reward offered by the police will be increased to £20,000 in a Raoulover...

[ThomasT]

A rare old bird is the pelican.
His bill holds more than his belly can.
He can take in his beak
'nough food for a week.
I'm damned if I know how thehellhecan!

[slammer]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[Rob]

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he says.

"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.

"Well, before you jump give me a bl0wjob."

So, she does.

After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

The Police Stop

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in
the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who
owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly
surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense
situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can
see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told
you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped
you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole
the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was
a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[Anthony1406]

A man walks into a bar with
a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road

[mark1978]

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk

[bisrat]

A policeman caught a drunkard staggering on the street after curfew hours..
policeman: 'what are you doing on the streets at this dead hour after curfew?'
drunkard: 'well, sir, I am walking to my home'
policeman: 'where is your home'
drunkard: 'right there, sir'..pointing to a house across the street
policeman: 'go walk to the house, lead!' ... policeman following him to the house
drunkard: opening the door.. 'we are here sir'
policeman: 'get in,.... what's that on the couch?'
drunkard: 'that is my cat, sir'
policeman: 'walk in... ' they reached in the bed room, where a man and a women were sleeping in the bed.... 'who is that?' said the policeman pointing to the woman
drunkard: 'that is my wife, sir'
policeman: 'and who is the man sleeping next to her?'
drunkard: 'that would be me, sir'

[Deep Purple]

	Quote:	mark1978
	A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk

Love that one

[mark1978]

Hi Folks

I have 5 free iPads to give away, first come first served.

I already gave one to my mate Alan have a look and see for yourself

[SwissPete]

A short prayer:

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer. Amen.