know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Baselinstincts]

	Quote:	grumpygrapefruit
	A cod is swimming along when he comes across a squid that doesn't look too bright. "what's wrong with you?" asks the cod. "I'm feeling really ill" replies the squid. The cod suggests he takes him along to someone who might help and the squid thankfully follows the cod along to his mate the haddock. "what's this?" asks the haddock. "It's that sick squid I owe you"

Well that kind of thing can happen. But not often. Reminds me of the time, way back before the war, when I had to do a piece on the then newly-established German club in South Croydon (near the airport). I was told to try to get to know to the chairman, but when I phoned up and very politely asked to speak to him, an extremely loud and aggressive voice replied "Ve r awl chairmens here".

[Rob]

A man is stumbling through the woods blind drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[FabrizioM]

	Quote:	Baselinstincts
	Well that kind of thing can happen. But not often. Reminds me of the time, way back before the war, when I had to do a piece on the then newly-established German club in South Croydon (near the airport). I was told to try to get to know to the chairman, but when I phoned up and very politely asked to speak to him, an extremely loud and aggressive voice replied "Ve r awl chairmens here".

Is that true? We used to run around Croydon airport when I was at school. I never knew about the "Chairman" Club

[Rob]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Arkansas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"The blondes all nodded in the affirmative.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
The detective turned to the first blonde, stuck the photo in her face and then withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned,took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a
puzzled expression and said,"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[Rob]

Words of wisdom from a senior citizen

Whenever you see a woman you really fancy, remember this,
no matter how beautiful she is,
no matter how seductively she looks at you,
no matter how sexily she dresses,
no matter how generous she is with her favours
no matter how............................buggah, I've forgotten where I was going with this

This story is from the Swiss TCS motoring magazine, and is sadly true. ("Touring Newspaper" 5th August on Page 29)

60 German holidaymakers were promised Latin American music on a cruise ship touring the Caribean. Unfortunately 500 Swiss passengers from a folk music group were also booked on the same cruise.

The Germans complained about the mountain music concerts, the jodelling, the Swiss national costumes, the Alphorn concerts etc etc. They received compensation: 15% for the lack of Latin music and 25% of the tour cost for having to put up with the Swiss effect.

[gbn]

De ja moo

The feeling you get when you come home to the same miserable cow every day.

[Carlos R]

Not one, but 20 for the price of 1 post...

Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

And the worst…

Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes - "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts - "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/38/20100823...n-e9a852e.html

[Sada]

Success

• At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
• At age 12 success is...having friends.
• At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.
• At age 20 success is...having sex.
• At age 35 success is...having money.
• At age 50 success is...having money.
• At age 60 success is...having sex.
• At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.
• At age 75 success is...having friends.
• At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants.

[asdfasdf]

--- HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.
It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice.

********************************************

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks."
They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is tall, tanned, slim and muscular.
St Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman, thinking that this is great, remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity."
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

***********************************************
A guy is riding in a taxi and the driver goes right through a red light. He points this out to the taxi driver, who shrugs and says, "My brother does this all the time."
At the next light, the same thing happens, and the driver again claims it's what his brother always does.
The third light is green and the taxi driver stops. The guy starts to berate the driver. "You go right through red lights without showing the least sign of concern. But you stop here when the light is green. What is the matter with you?"
The taxi driver shrugs and says, "My brother might be coming."

************************************************

So Helium walks into a bar. Orders a beer.
Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here".
Helium doesn't react.

[MrVertigo]

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

	Quote:	MrVertigo
	A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

I burst out laughing at this until I remember what happened to me when phoned to find the results of a routine test. They said that they had been trying to reach me for some time, I had to come in urgently, so I pushed to find out of the results of my test were positive, they answered yes and that they had to have me come in to discuss treatment and referral. I said it couldn't possibly be me, I was not going to get this type of cancer. Eventually after much arguing it turned out that they had the wrong person, which left me feeling very sorry for the person whose test result it was.

[slammer]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

Yes, Father it is.
And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go
and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over
and whispers, What'd you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads...

[slammer]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?


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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"


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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."


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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, "You've got a heart murmur. Be careful."

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "arthritis."

[gbn]

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

[Slaphead]

	Quote:	gbn
	When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Nothing, because it is simply an inanimate lump of dairy produce.

Oops, I think this german humour is rubbing off on me - sorry.

[onei]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and he had awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital?

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied. 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God'.

The patient replied, 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

[realnewton]

	Quote:	litespeed
	I've given up using sarcasm with the natives. It has a 2% success rate.

Thanks god! I was thinking that there was somehing wrong with me or my english. So this people is sarcasmproof... good to know.

[realnewton]

Joke for geeks I like a lot:

There are only 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.

(Free translation. Forgive my english...)

[Verbier]

Paraprosdokian



A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.


Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it, as when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.