know a good one? [jokes thread]

[slammer]

It's great to be a bloke because: Your arse is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. Wrinkles add character. A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?" You can appreciate great sport. You can throw a ball more than 5 feet. One mood, ALL the damn time. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind. You can go to a public toilet without a support group. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original colour. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming. You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me." You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. Same job, more pay. The world is your urinal.

[Verbier]

[gbn]

Breaking news on Sky: 'Boy George's reptile bites 5 people in one day.'


He needs a calmer chameleon.

[slammer]

Warning Issued By Lancashire Police:

Clubbers in Blackburn have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum' and should be reported immediately.

[araqyl]

	Quote:	realnewton
	Joke for geeks I like a lot: There are only 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't. (Free translation. Forgive my english...)

11 cheers for binary number jokes!!

[kevlegs]

I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...

[kevlegs]

Why is everybody celebrating the ninth of november, when it's only the eleveth of september?

[Verbier]

Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

[Verbier]

All the ladies will love this one...




While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'







My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'

[oscarsmum]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.





The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."





The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my a**hole bleached!"





"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!

[mirfield]

The wife paid £500 for a nose job.

"Fine," I said, "It looks beautiful".

She then paid £3000 for a boob job.

"Wow," I said, "they look great."

Now, I spend just £15 on a blow job, and the wife goes bloody mental....

[slammer]

Sarkozy. The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

[Chemmie]

Considered by many to be the worst 'adult humour' joke to sneak past the FCC on a major broadcast

[Verbier]

Subject: How to keep a woman happy .... Priceless!

How to keep a woman happy.... Priceless!


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY






1. Leave him alone

Women as explained by engineers.

This below made a lot of sense to my husband. Unfortunately he often makes very little sense to me.

Tow days ago I was working, a man came into where I was working. I thought that he was the man that was supposed to fix my drive. now the fixing of my drive is a very long story, but basically has become the 3 year joke of the local town. I have workmen at the end of my drive almost constantly. So the man keeps staring at me kind of laughing, he is talking to his ex-mother -in-law and another person I know. so I think that he is laughing about the drive and I wink at him. He comes over and I ask him when he is going to dig my drive. He gets down on one knee says he will gladly dig my drive. I then realize that I have the wrong man, but he continues. It is all very embarrassing. My colleagues are in hysterics I'm very apologetic.

So I ask my husband to bring me a coffee. He turns up and I retell the story in front of the colleagues. They expect him to get upset. He reacts more unimpassioned than Dexter, tells me he got me a bagel too and asks if I have made any progress with the drive with the right guy. So here for all husbands who are engineers or scientists and the women married to them

http://blog.stixblog.com/2010/07/10/...-by-engineers/

[Rob]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

In Pharmacology,
all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

True Reports from British life in
BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

[oscarsmum]

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, " Ed , that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Rob]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?'
'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.
'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mister Lawyer?'
'Sure is, Bubba.'
'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'
'Yep.'
'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'
'That's right,' said the lawyer. 'But why are you asking?'
'Well, I was thinkin.... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'

Bear in mind that this one is pre Euro..............

An English tourist enters a house of ill repute on the Reeperbahn and does the necessary with one of the young ladies therein.
When he finishes dressing he offers her a twenty pound note.
"I'd rather have marks".
"Right love. Seven for presentation, eight for content, nine for appearance....."