know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Mud]

Guy sidles up to a girl in a bar and tells her, he's going to fill her p**** with Stella and drink it out, girl gets the hump and runs to boyfriend and tells him what the guy said.

Boyfriend looking across bar at guy shrugs, girl says 'Aren't you going to do anything about it?'

B/F 'I ain't messing with a guy that can drink 25 pints of lager.'

[Upthehatters2008]

Like throwing a sausage up the high street...

[kevlegs]

They're going to be so pissed off in Chile when they get down the mine and only find Bart Simpson's walkie-talkie

[swiss bill]

At Baker Street, Sherlock Holmes usually met new clients in the morning in order to discuss their problems. One morning, Dr. Watson turned up and found Holmes deep in conversation with a very small girl.
Watson: "Why, Holmes, that young girl should be in primary school!"
Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

[Upthehatters2008]

Sherlock bends Holmes down, rips his trousers off and smears a lemon meringue over Watsons bottom... Holmes asks what the hell he is up to...

"A lemon entry my dear Holmes..."

[araqyl]

	Quote:	swiss bill
	At Baker Street, Sherlock Holmes usually met new clients in the morning in order to discuss their problems. One morning, Dr. Watson turned up and found Holmes deep in conversation with a very small girl. Watson: "Why, Holmes, that young girl should be in primary school!" Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

Didn't know Holmes had become American ... ;}

[outrage]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

[outrage]

A young Indian boy was curious how Indians got their names and asked his father.

His father replied ..."Why, when your sister, Running Deer, was born the first thing I saw out the teepee as I held her aloft was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. And so it was when I first cradled Crouching Bear, I saw in my mind the image of a bear crouching over a stream and named him thus.... But, pray, why do you ask, Two Dogs Fornicating?"

Not a joke but something really amazing, wish I could have seen it.
It's old though (2006) so apologies in advance if it has already been posted.



http://www.funzug.com/index.php/nature/amazing-sight-in-the-south-pacific.html
http://www.hoax-slayer.com/new-pacific-island.shtml

http://msgboard.snopes.com/cgi-bin/u...0;t=001472;p=0


and a funny youtube

How does this work?

And lastly I just took the leap to sign back into to EF but for a while it felt a bit like this:

Is it safe?

How does this work?

[Nelly_Da_Hefferlump]

I didn't know whether to post this here or on From living together to getting married. What changed?


Marriage is like a game of bridge – in the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.


By the end you will just wish you had a fscking club and a spade!!

[diggdog]

Just the joke I needed today! Thanks Nelly! (Very relevant.....)

[Assassin]

Guy drives his expensive car into a bad part of town and as he locks it a street brat shows up; "Look after your car for 5 bucks mister? Never too sure what could happen around here you know?". The guy looks at the kid and says "My Alsatian dog is sitting in the back and he'll look after the car thank you very much".

The kid replies "useful with a fire extinguisher your dog then...?"

[Chemmie]

A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Santa Barbara: "Talking Dog for Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten bucks."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t."

Blind Golfers

A Catholic priest, an Indian Doctor, a Rich Chinese business man and an Aussie were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes"
The Indian doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf"
The Chinese business man called out, "Move it, Time is money"
The Catholic priest said "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.. "
Hello, George what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they"
George the greens keeper replied, "Oh yes that's a group of blind firemen They lost their sight in
an explosion while saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime". The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, "That's so sad I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight".
The Indian Doctor said "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see
if there's anything he can do for them."
The Chinese Business man replied, "I think I'll donate £50,000 to the Fire Brigade in honour of
these brave souls!"
The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"

[slammer]

The 100 MPH dog

Two Appenzeller locals are out walking the Säntis, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first guy says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second guy says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first guy says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a dog come
crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my dog around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a dog came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

[Rob]

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

[oscarsmum]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little er on your knee."

[Macchiato]

	Quote:	outrage
	A young Indian boy was curious how Indians got their names and asked his father. His father replied ..."Why, when your sister, Running Deer, was born the first thing I saw out the teepee as I held her aloft was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. And so it was when I first cradled Crouching Bear, I saw in my mind the image of a bear crouching over a stream and named him thus.... But, pray, why do you ask, Two Dogs Fornicating?"

No he says, why r u asking "hole in condom"?

[Verbier]

Not a joke but a great T-mobile ad - "Welcome back" - T5 in London

How does this work?

[Rob]

An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel.... With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures....

"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered ""Baaaaaaaa"" and rejoined the flock."

This novel is only for sale in New Zealand , Australia , Wales , and certain parts of Derbyshire........and Appenzell of course.