At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was
planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because
he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline ,
stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their
children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says,
"If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his
children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi
stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy
lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replied "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and
he said: "F**k him." ------------------------------
__________________
That's for me to know.......and you NOT to find out!
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports: All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained withinthe sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be no racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials, the person's desire to kill himself would be satisfied...
This is so simple it's brilliant!
I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
__________________
"You have reached the end of you free trial membership at BenjaminFranklinQuotes.com" -Benjamin Franklin
I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled
explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,
"Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight
number..."
Followed by another accouncement: "Janitor with shop-vac needed at security booth 4".
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin was in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. The coma continued for nearly 6 months, but then she suddenly woke up, alarmed to find that she was no longer pregnant. Frantic, she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
This caused the woman some concern, with the thought -- "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" -- flashing through her mind. With some trepidation, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York (USA) scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and theorized the existence of a telephone network 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by America, a retired doctor living near London dug to a depth of 20 feet in his garden, and amazingly found traces of copper also.
His exploits were published in the London thereafter, and it read: "Retired physician finds incontrovertible evidence British telecommunications predated the War of 1812."
Not to be outdone by a Londoner, Yorkshire made its own contribution to the advancement of archaeological discovery a short time later. The town commissioned Charles Sickels, an unemployed excavator, to dig to a depth of 30 feet. He uncovered, in a word, nothing. This prompted the Yorkshire Post and the Huddersfield Daily Examiner to both run separate pieces trumpeting that 300 years ago, Yorkshire had already gone completely wireless.
It was entertainment night at the old peoples home. Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch." "It's a very special watch." "It's been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHIT!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the nursing home - Claude has not been invited back since . . .
__________________ Everything will be okay in the end - if it`s not okay, it`s not the end.
Not to be outdone by a Londoner, Yorkshire made its own contribution to the advancement of archaeological discovery a short time later. The town commissioned Charles Sickels, an unemployed excavator, to dig to a depth of 30 feet. He uncovered, in a word, nothing. This prompted the Yorkshire Post and the Huddersfield Daily Examiner to both run separate pieces trumpeting that 300 years ago, Yorkshire had already gone completely wireless.
I have noticed that many, who text messages and email, have forgotten the "art" of capitalisation. For those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the statement below:
Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
As Christmas is approaching: This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa
still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
__________________ "I'll say I can't tell you when, But if my spirit is strong, I know it can't be long, No questions I'm not alone, Somehow I'll find my way home" Rod
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