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  #81  
Old 28.05.2007, 20:52
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Welsh sex aid a pair of wellingtons and two bits of string.....
instructions for use "Use wellingtons on front legs for hygiene, one piece of string to tie tail up, use other to whip and heighten desire"

How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass?
Very Satisfying


What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in wales?
A leisure centre


What do you call a Welshman with many girlfriends?
A shepherd.

Did you hear that Welsh people have discovered a new use for sheep?
Wool


What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp!


What's a Welsh definition of "safe sex"?
Spray painting a cross on the back of the ones that kick
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  #82  
Old 28.05.2007, 21:12
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel
and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...




"You missed the f***king putt, didn't you?"
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  #83  
Old 28.05.2007, 21:34
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Three children are playing in the school yard discussing all manner of things children do, until the topic comes to where babies come from.

The French kid says, "In France, the stork brings the baby during the night and drops it in through the chimney".

The Italian kid says, "In Italy, the postman delivers the baby to the doorstep first thing in the morning"

They both turned to the Swiss kid and asked, "so, where do babies come from in Switzerland?"

The Swiss kid says, "well, it varies from canton to canton..."

(If I had a penny for everytime a Swiss person says that to me.... )
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  #84  
Old 28.05.2007, 22:08
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Thanks DaveA, i like my new name Pretty Lips McGee although i'm sure you guys can see that from my pic
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  #85  
Old 28.05.2007, 22:43
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Thanks DaveA, from 'Old Fingers Dupree' (a.k.a. Clarence Long Rathclaren - pornstar name)

True story from a quiz show on City FM, Liverpool:

There's a competition for listeners to call in with a word which isn't in the dictionary but would be understood if used in conversation. For example, 'blog' for 'weblog', etc. The word had to be new/unlisted in the OED.

After several uneventful calls, one fellow calls and offers the following word:

"GOAN"

The DJ looks up the word and declares it's not in the dictionary, so asks the caller to use a sentence where the word would be understood in context.

The caller pauses for a moment and says:

"Goan yerself"

Being the professional he was, the DJ moves swiftly on and takes other calls, all without successful offerings.


Several minutes later, he gets a caller who says he has a word he's sure isn't in the dictionary.

The DJ looks up the word - "SMEE" - and agrees it's not in the dictionary. He asks the caller for a sentence example:



"SMEE again, why don't you GOAN yerself..."
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  #86  
Old 29.05.2007, 02:05
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

What do you call 50.000 attorney on the bottom of the ocean?










A good start.
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  #87  
Old 29.05.2007, 02:12
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Where does virgin wool come from?










Answer: Ugly sheep.
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  #88  
Old 29.05.2007, 02:26
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Re: know a good one?...

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I've given up using sarcasm with the natives. It has a 2% success rate.
That is why I never tell a Swiss a joke on Saturday night.

He will usually start laughing in Church on Sunday morning.
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  #89  
Old 29.05.2007, 09:17
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Two ants in a saucer!!

One turns to the other and says were playing in the cup next week.
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  #90  
Old 29.05.2007, 12:46
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Yes I know the last one very poor.

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for
two
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of
the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a EUR. 2,000,000 bank
account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a EUR.
4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and EUR.
2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do.
What
do you suggest?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."
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  #91  
Old 29.05.2007, 13:18
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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Where does virgin wool come from?
Answer: Ugly sheep.
are you Welsh by any chance ?
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  #92  
Old 29.05.2007, 16:34
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

An Oldie-But-Goldie joke that even has a swiss angle, which believe me is as rare as rocking horse shit:

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" He asks. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez-vous français?" The two continue to stare. "Parlate italiano?" No response. "Hablan Ustedes espagnol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says: "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…"

"Why?" says the other, "that bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

dave
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  #93  
Old 29.05.2007, 16:55
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

my favourite:


Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN -- The only question
asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"

However, the survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
The Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And the Italians are still discussiong the meaning of the word "honest"
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  #94  
Old 29.05.2007, 17:02
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A friend of mine was working for a software company that outsourced some work to China. It was a credit-card processing embedded software for the machines at petrol stations. He was asked to give an opening overview of the proposed project and was a bit perturbed when, in order to find some common ground he asked the audience how many of them had credit or bank cards. Silence. He then asked how many drove cars,. Silence. Needless to say the project went on to have a few issues with domain knowledge...

dave


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my favourite:


Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN -- The only question
asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"

However, the survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
The Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And the Italians are still discussiong the meaning of the word "honest"
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  #95  
Old 01.06.2007, 17:37
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

For all the Brits in the audiance.

Why do the Brits drink warm beer?

Because all the refrigerators in England are made by Lucas.

Although this is an inside joke many will appreciate it, I'm sure.

To all those who raced sports cars Lucas was know as "The Prince of Darkness."
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  #96  
Old 01.06.2007, 17:43
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

ha ha ha ha ha ha....wait, I don't get that at all.

In fact, I think you just made it up right now. Don't recall ever seeing a fridge made by Lucas.

Why do all Americans drink warm beer?

Coz their beer tastes like p1ss and it's hardly worth chilling it.
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  #97  
Old 01.06.2007, 18:01
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Hey now, hey now, hey now. Not all American beer is shit. Most of it is quite good. We just don't export that stuff. We'd prefer to inundate you with Bud, Miller, and Coors.

That's like saying all German beer is scheisse when all you've ever tried is Becks.

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ha ha ha ha ha ha....wait, I don't get that at all.

In fact, I think you just made it up right now. Don't recall ever seeing a fridge made by Lucas.

Why do all Americans drink warm beer?

Coz their beer tastes like p1ss and it's hardly worth chilling it.

Last edited by chemgoddess; 01.06.2007 at 18:09. Reason: forgot quote.
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  #98  
Old 01.06.2007, 18:09
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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ha ha ha ha ha ha....wait, I don't get that at all.

In fact, I think you just made it up right now. Don't recall ever seeing a fridge made by Lucas.

Why do all Americans drink warm beer?

Coz their beer tastes like p1ss and it's hardly worth chilling it.
No Comment. Jokes lose their humor when they have to be explained.

And sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
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  #99  
Old 01.06.2007, 18:11
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Read "Three Sheets to the Wind" by Peter Brown. He undertakes a worldwide trek in search of beer. And guess what ? Mainstream US beer is complete <not very good at all>.

dave

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Hey now, hey now, hey now. Not all American beer is shit. Most of it is quite good. We just don't export that stuff. We'd prefer to inundate you with Bud, Miller, and Coors.

That's like saying all German beer is scheisse when all you've ever tried is Becks.

Last edited by DaveA; 01.06.2007 at 18:12. Reason: expletive removed.
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  #100  
Old 01.06.2007, 18:13
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

That's Oscar Wilde invalidated then.

dave
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And sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
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