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  #981  
Old 16.12.2010, 09:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘racism’ these days.
A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?”
The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
“Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”
The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”




The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”
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  #982  
Old 16.12.2010, 09:38
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘racism’ these days.
A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?”
The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
“Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”
The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”




The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

How does every racist joke start?



By looking over your shoulder.


Yeah, an old one, but relevant :P
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  #983  
Old 16.12.2010, 09:42
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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How does every racist joke start?

the otter asks "are you a cannuck?"

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  #984  
Old 16.12.2010, 09:53
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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the otter asks "are you a cannuck?"


hahaha

but we all know it's essentially impossible to offend a Canadian, bring your best canuck-insult and we'll one-up it . Ahh self deprecation, makes me so sad
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  #985  
Old 16.12.2010, 09:57
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Good one

A Doctor at a health conference said “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be destructive, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
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  #986  
Old 16.12.2010, 13:12
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Facebook Addiction

76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the "Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)," the "Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)" and the "Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)." Then she spotted the department she was looking for: "Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)."

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering, "I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows." LOL

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.

"Don't worry. It'll be all right."

"I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the 'like'
button."

"How long has it been?"

"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world."

The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.

"Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how it all started."

"Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book."

"How soon were you hooked?"

"Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day -- and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India. My husband didn't like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced."

"What do you like most about Facebook?"

"It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674.
I'm even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya."

"Who's he?"

"I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous."

"Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see."

"Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school -- I still call them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who's retired, who's still working, and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies they've watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing a game with some of them."

"Let me guess. Farmville?"

"No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna."

"Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?"

"No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to gussy ourselves up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That's the best thing about Facebook -- you can't smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. "

"What pic are you using?"

"Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon."

"To make yourself look prettier?"

"No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using."

"Didn't your friends notice that you look different?"

"Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga."

"When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?"

"I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'"

"What did you do?"

"What else? I unfriended him of course!"
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  #987  
Old 19.12.2010, 15:32
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

If en francais means 'french' and en suisse means 'swiss', does en croute mean 'german'?
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  #988  
Old 30.12.2010, 21:32
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Short and funnies.....

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack
wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person
does that to someone's Advent calendar.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
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Last edited by oscarsmum; 30.12.2010 at 21:34. Reason: Deleting parts of text
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  #989  
Old 31.12.2010, 07:12
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Re: Short and funnies.....

I farted in an elevator. It's just wrong on so many levels.
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  #990  
Old 03.01.2011, 21:49
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

hahaha
ever checked a blackberry

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  #991  
Old 05.01.2011, 13:50
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Wall Street Executive Air!

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  #992  
Old 06.01.2011, 22:50
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
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  #993  
Old 07.01.2011, 11:40
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Arthur's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.


"I don't remember." says the brother-in-law
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  #994  
Old 09.01.2011, 13:23
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them..."
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  #995  
Old 14.01.2011, 14:44
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #996  
Old 17.01.2011, 13:04
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Husband and wife were opening a joint bank account. Husband set the password as "penis." Wife fell off her chair laughing when the the computer screen said "Password not long enough."
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  #997  
Old 17.01.2011, 14:48
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New phrases in 2011 [jokes thread]

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person...

* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..

* AIRPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonder bra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS....
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
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  #998  
Old 17.01.2011, 14:50
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

In a convent in Ireland ,
the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed
trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink
but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass
back to the kitchen.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey
that had been received as a gift
the previous Christmas,
she opened it and poured a generous amount
into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed,
they held the glass to her lips.
The frail nun drank a little,
then a little more and before they knew it,
she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened,
the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity
to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom
before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,
looked at them and said:
"Don't sell that cow."
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  #999  
Old 26.01.2011, 15:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Does Sean Connery like herbs?


Yes, but only partially.
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  #1000  
Old 26.01.2011, 16:27
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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