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  #1001  
Old 26.01.2011, 21:42
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Seen it before but still love it.
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  #1002  
Old 27.01.2011, 17:26
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Bad project
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  #1003  
Old 28.01.2011, 13:23
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyCar diff "

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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  #1004  
Old 28.01.2011, 14:03
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

From Andy Gray's photo album:

Last edited by Deep Purple; 30.09.2011 at 17:30.
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  #1005  
Old 28.01.2011, 17:04
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
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During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyCar diffLostInbroad"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Fixed that for you. It needs to contain a special character too
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  #1006  
Old 28.01.2011, 17:23
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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Fixed that for you. It needs to contain a special character too
Aren't you confusing uppercase with nutcase ?
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  #1007  
Old 28.01.2011, 18:59
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A couple are sitting having breakfast one morning.

The wife opens a letter that's just arrived, and starts reading.

She reaches across the table with the letter, points at part of it, and asks "Is that an 'A' or an 'O'?"

"It's an 'O'..." replies hubby.

"Oh, my god!! My brother's shot himself!"
.
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  #1008  
Old 29.01.2011, 09:50
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

IDIOT SIGHTINGS:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one
Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady,
you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He
said, "No, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears
repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave
the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this
way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get
the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me
back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out
here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but
they had only iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To
which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He
smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham ,
Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are
blind people doing driving? She was a probation officer in Wichita ,
KS.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not
turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side
door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." This
was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS .

I LOVE THIS ONE:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the
Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii .. I was parking,
and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and
quickly said, "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge." He nodded his
head and said "Cool!"

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and they VOTE... and they REPRODUCE!

LOOK OUT FOR THESE PEOPLE

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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  #1009  
Old 29.01.2011, 20:35
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Governmentium the heaviest element known to science

MIT researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
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  #1010  
Old 29.01.2011, 23:11
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Q: When you walk past a field of cattle, how can you tell which cow is the one that's on holiday?

A: It's the one with the wee calf.
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  #1011  
Old 29.01.2011, 23:17
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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Q: When you walk past a field of cattle, how can you tell which cow is the one that's on holiday?

A: It's the one with the wee calf.
There is also a 'Repetoire of Terrible Jokes' thread as well, you know.
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  #1012  
Old 01.02.2011, 08:39
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quiz for people who know everything



There are only nine questions.

This is a quiz for people who know everything!

These are not trick questions.

They are straight questions with straight answers.



1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.



2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?




3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?




4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?



5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is
genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get
inside the bottle?




6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw'
and they are all common words. Name two of them.



7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.

Can you name at least half of them?



8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.




9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'




Answers To Quiz:



1... The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.




2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .

(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)



3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several
growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.




4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.




5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside
the bottle.

The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.



6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...




7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe,question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.




8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.




9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S':
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates,
snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

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  #1013  
Old 02.02.2011, 18:15
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Ken to Bill : Would you like to have group sex ?

Bill : Who's on the list ?

Ken : Me, you, and your wife.

Bill : sorry, not interested.

Ken : Then you're removed from our list.
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  #1014  
Old 02.02.2011, 18:32
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know a good one? [jokes thread]

Was it H G Wells that wrote – “The Shape of Things to Come”?

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He un-wrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
'THE TEETH.'
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  #1015  
Old 06.02.2011, 06:10
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

This is a comment about Boehner ( speaker of the house US).

Q-Why does Boehner pronounce his name Baynor and not Boner

Ans-Well would you?

Ans- Because it's not that hard.
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  #1016  
Old 11.02.2011, 00:33
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Can't afford a doctor?

f you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and; if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.













Smile often, it relieves cramps in the face.
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  #1017  
Old 11.02.2011, 09:44
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I saw a woman breastfeeding on the train today. Some old lady started screaming "That's disgusting, you can't do that in public".

On reflection it probably wasn't the time or place for a wank.
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  #1018  
Old 11.02.2011, 14:23
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Roses are red, violets are blue,
I've got dementure,
Cheese on toast

Why do bulimics love KFC?
Because it comes with a bucket.

Paddy in his local Take Away, the assistance asks if he wants his pizza cutting in 6 or 8 pieces Paddy replies "you better make it 6 i couldnt eat 8 pieces"



Two cows were standing in a field. One said "Moo", the other one said "Barsteward, I was going to say that!".
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  #1019  
Old 12.02.2011, 09:48
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Topical: Egyption Security Force Tactics

Security forces in Cairo have controlled the demonstrators by sitting in their cars and blowing the horn. The procedure is called 'toot em calm em'
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  #1020  
Old 14.02.2011, 22:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

David Is To Be Returned To Italy .

A bit of cultural news for a welcome change.






After a two year loan to the USA.

Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy




His Proud Sponsors were:



THIS WAS TOO FUNNY NOT TO SHARE!







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