know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Energy]

HAHAHA!! And can you please add the making fun of people when they trip, fall or hit (not seriously of course). Ok, I admit, this is probably a Mexican gene or something that we laugh, clap and then ask: Are you OK?

I once fell flat on my butt at the airport, waiting line full, and guess who was the ONLY one laughing out loud?: ME!!!

	Quote:	Uncle Max
	Not sure whether this should be in the complaints corner, as I reckon it's about time we had a jokes thread. I'm bloody sick and tired of NEVER hearing jokes here. Anyone in the Romandie/Ticino experience things differently? Is it just an Ost Schweiz dullness thing? The jokes you do hear are so witless you'd wonder if people read them in 20 Minuten that morning in the cartoon section. Where's the biting sarcasm? The bitchiness? THE FUNNY? (Swiss obviously don't DO funny. I'm not a racist but... )

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE



A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it
while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.




On the way home he stopped at B & Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of
paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a
goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to
carry his entire purchases home.






While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told
him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane ?'






The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I
would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'



The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry
the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'




'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.






On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be
there in no time.'




The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow
without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley
you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with
me?'






The farmer said, 'Jesus lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the
wall and do that?'






The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!

	Quote:	Verbier
	This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday. Damn, this is a great country.

Did you actually read that joke before you posted it?

	Quote:
	Quote: verbier This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday. Damn, this is a great country. Did you actually read that joke before you posted it?

Hey, DB, back off Buddy! The joke may be wholly unacceptable in decent company but - fair play - someone also managed to make it disappear

Attachment 24030

Now that's magic!!!!!!

[Chuchichaeschtli]

"when my time is up - i would like to pass away like my grandfather.....

.... just falling asleep ....






.... not screaming like the one on his co-driver's seat."

[gbn]

Swiss kids maths test...

Hans has 3 apples and Heidi has 4 apples

Ivan takes 2 apples from Hans and 2 apples from Heidi

What nationality is Ivan?

[slammer]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
Door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
Within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
With a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
Doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
Old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
Leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
Coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
Door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
Daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
Said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
Thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
Husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
Shopping trip ,
Placed the groceries on the kitchen
Counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
Of all places, the living room. She entered that
Area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
Downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
Like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... Are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
Son-in-law.'

[Nelly_Da_Hefferlump]

An Australian, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Australian. Soon, he leant over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Australian took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Australian had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Australian started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leant over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...


"Could you take the dog for a walk?"

[MidfieldGeneral]

My wife gave me the new Michael McIntyre DVD for my birthday. I laughed out loud for 90 minutes, One day I might even watch it.

[Wasted]

I admire a man who holds on to a domain just for a one liner.

[grumpygit]

A man walked into a bar - he said ouch ! T Cooper RIP

[Wasted]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

[Wasted]

Some thoughts, as I reach my 60:

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

[edster]

A seal walks into a club....

[Deep Purple]

	Quote:	edster
	A seal walks into a club....

There is also a 'Repertoire of Terrible Jokes' thread

[HarryBosch]

	Quote:	edster
	A seal walks into a club....

GROOOOOOAN.

That's definitely the worst joke I've ever heard.

Here's another:


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup...

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[Verbier]

Hazelton, British Columbia. This gas station on the native reserve has got it pegged perfectly!

[swissotter]

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street.

The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "we have reason to believe that you are carrying substances of a hallucinogenic nature, sir"

[Chemmie]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Deep Purple]

I don't like flies. Could somebody set up a no fly zone for Switzerland?