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  #1041  
Old 19.03.2011, 09:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Q. Why do the Swiss have such big noses?

A. The air is free!
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  #1042  
Old 19.03.2011, 10:05
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
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Q. Why do the Swiss have such big noses?

A. The air is free!
Awful. Welcome to the forum.
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  #1043  
Old 19.03.2011, 10:16
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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Q. Why do the Swiss have such big noses?

A. The air is free!
Gotta be the best first post I've ever seen!
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  #1044  
Old 19.03.2011, 16:53
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
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Gotta be the best first post I've ever seen!
It's not just free it is is so clean and fresh. the quality of that mountain air makes me wish I had two noses! Welcome to Switzerland may you be blessed with a nose of extraordinary capacity. How big is your nose by the way?
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  #1045  
Old 19.03.2011, 17:35
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

How do you make a dog drink ?


Put it in a blender !


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  #1046  
Old 19.03.2011, 17:46
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I hate predictive text.

Last night I sent a text message to my Mum saying I wanted to cum all over her face!

Took me ages to type it, but I got there in the end.
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  #1047  
Old 24.03.2011, 13:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Kind of philosophy

DavidBissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

S
acha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2.
Whenever you're right, shut up.


Socrates

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


Anonymous
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What at all does a woman want?


Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."


James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."


Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...


Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
J

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."



Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wondderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?



































































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  #1048  
Old 29.03.2011, 22:57
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person.
- They have multiplied, said the biologist.
- Oh no, an error in measurement, the physicist sighed.
- If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, the mathematician concluded.
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  #1049  
Old 04.04.2011, 14:51
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Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one
thing'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring
your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank
and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying.that phrase.in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage holding rosaries and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence...
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the
beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
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  #1050  
Old 04.04.2011, 14:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man and his wife were a
wokenat 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man getsup and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the
morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain
out there!""Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can'tyou remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

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  #1051  
Old 05.04.2011, 22:57
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.


He asks, "What are you doing?"


She answers, "I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."


A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.


When she asks him where he is going, he replies,


"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
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  #1052  
Old 06.04.2011, 02:49
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

This one a hommage to one of the greatest satirical writers from South Africa, Mr. James Clarke : THE GIMNIES

1

Jim and Jack are drifting for two days in a lifeboat, survivors of tragedy at sea, almost fainting, when between the squalid remains inside the boat they spot an old bottle similar to the ones from 1001 nights, the gimny ones. Eagerly they rub it, and in fact a gimny comes out, but tells them that unfortunately,instead of the usual three wishes, he can grant them but one. Swiftly, Jim shouts:
- I wish this whole sea was turned into beer!!!
The gimny soundly claps the hands, grants the wish and disappears laughing.
The two guys stare at each other in silence for some seconds, and then Jack screams angrily:
- Nice going, Jim!! Now were are we going to piss after the drinking ?!?!

2

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit are neighbors, but don´t like each other that mucho...one day they´re walking in the forest and they spot an old lamp similar to the one from 1001 nights, the gimny ones. Eagerly they rub it, and in fact a gimny comes out and tells them that he can grant them seven wishes. Since they are two, one of them will have one extra wish. Swiftly, Mr. Bear says he will have four, at what Mr. Rabbit only stares, smiling. Mr Bear goes:
- First wish- i wish all the bears in this forest were female!
-Wish granted!!
- Second wish- i wish all the bears in the neighbor forest were all females!!
-Wish granted!!
-Third wish- i wish all the bears in this whole land were females!!
-Wish granted!!
-Fourth wish- I WISH ALL THE BEARS IN THE WORLD BUT ME WERE FEMALES!!!
- WISH GRANTED!!

Then comes Mr. Rabbit turn.
-First wish- i wish i had carrots for all my life!
-Wish granted!
Mr. Bear starts bullying Mr. rabbit for having already wasted one wish.
-Second wish- i wish i had a motorcicle and a helmet!!
-Second wish granted!!
Mr. Bear goes "another wasted wish!!". Mr. Rabbit swiftly jumps in the bike, puts the helmet and starts revving...
-...and third wish- I WISH MR. BEAR WAS FEMALE!!- and gets away on the bike as fast as he could :-)
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  #1053  
Old 06.04.2011, 09:29
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Interesting Facts:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced

enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


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  #1054  
Old 07.04.2011, 13:39
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I asked my wife, "Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astaire-ish?"

She replied, "I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave all together".
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  #1055  
Old 11.04.2011, 12:48
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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  #1056  
Old 12.04.2011, 16:13
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....
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  #1057  
Old 14.04.2011, 12:13
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Man came home early and caught his with in bed with other man.
Wife: why you came home early?
Husband: Who is this man?
Wife: Shut up, don't try to change the topic.....!!
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  #1058  
Old 14.04.2011, 15:29
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

BOTTLE OF WINE

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

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  #1059  
Old 14.04.2011, 15:31
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

haha i like that one. but still, it was probably the woman's fault...
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  #1060  
Old 14.04.2011, 17:29
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital..
Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or
after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

Last edited by Sun&SnowRadTrad; 14.04.2011 at 17:40.
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