know a good one? [jokes thread]

[TiMow]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with
saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do
for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, But it'll
keep the sheets off his legs.'

[Deep Purple]

The last place I'd like to be beamed is 'up Scotty'.

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way....Who's your Daddy?


These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to checkout#10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.


1.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda,
butI believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2.
I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a
listof names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3.
I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 360
East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I doremember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks..

4.
I don't know the identity of the father of mydaughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMWservice stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5.
I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
and that he is the Saver risen again.

6.
I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as
heinforms me that to do so wo uld blow his cover and
that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am
torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please
advise.

7.
Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also born at the same time....
well, I don't have clue.

8.
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in
andwatched more TV rather than going to the party at
56 Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans youcan't be sure which one made you fart.

.

They sent my mate's Census form back!!

In his answer to the question; 'Do you have any dependants?',

He put;
'Asylum seekers, gypos, smack heads, unemployable bastards, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show,
Northern Rock Bank, RBS, Greece, Ireland, Portugal and half of f*'king Eastern Europe!'

...apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer!

[BadCanuck]

Hah, great thread. Finally managed to read up everything.

This one was mentioned once, but the person did not tell it right:


A famous American golfer is invited to go to China for a golfing tournament.

From the second he gets there, he is treated like a king. He is given five-star treatment in a five-star hotel until the day of the tournament. He's amazed by their hospitality, and thinks, "They must really like me here."

The night before the tournament, he is sitting in his hotel room watching TV.
A hot naked Asian girl walks up to his room and he says, "Wow. They must really love me here." So they go forth to have sex with her the whole night.

The only thing that kind of upset the golfer was that during the act , she continues to scream, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!" but he ignores it, thinking it's some sort of "Amazing" or "Oh sh*t" in Chinese.
At the tournament, the American golfer gets a hole-in-one and gets really excited.
He starts yelling, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!"
One of the little Chinese golfers walks up to him and says, "What do you mean 'WRONG HOLE'?"


And then these two, I haven't seen here.

One day, 3 people got stuck on an island with cannibals.

The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we won’t kill
you". So the 3 people followed the orders from the
cannibals.

The cannibals said, "Go into the forest and pick 10 pieces
of the first kind of fruit you see".

So the first person came back out of the forest with 10
apples. The cannibals said, "Stick the apples up in your ass
without making a facial expression". The person then
frowned in pain after the second apple, so the cannibals
killed and ate him.

The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. The cannibals said, "Put the cherries up your ass
without making a facial expression". The person then
started laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.

In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with
cherries "why did you start laughing at the tenth cherry?
You were almost there".

The person replied, "I saw the
third person come out with pineapples."

[BadCanuck]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet, the feces showing out.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell happened?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!

[Wasted]

BOSS's NOTE:

Dear employees,

We do get to know when you're texting during the meeting. Seriously, no one looks at their private parts and smiles!

[terryhall]

Ryan Gigg's wife, Stacey Cook, has left him. He has generously agreed to give her half of everything in the settlement.

So she now has 6 more Premier League winners medals than Stevie Gerrard.

Coca-cola and mentos bring reacation,

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/diet-coke-a...oes-wrong.html

Take the day off on 21st October, as you won't be paid,

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/new-deadlin...-20110524.html

[grumpygrapefruit]

What do you cal cheeses that are covered with feathers?




Curds of Prey....

[mirfield]

	Quote:	grumpygrapefruit
	What do you cal cheeses that are covered with feathers? Curds of Prey....

Dear mods. Please can the above joke be moved here?

[outrage]

	Quote:	terryhall
	Ryan Gigg's wife, Stacey Cook, has left him. He has generously agreed to give her half of everything in the settlement. So she now has 6 more Premier League winners medals than Stevie Gerrard.

I heard he wasn't homesick in Manchester, but he does miss Wales occasionally.

Also, talking of Wales, do you know Immogen Thomas has taken up a music career. I heard that she's doing gigs in Manchester.

I was on Matermind and the guy asked me "which Manchester United footballer is known as the Welsh Wizard". I answered "I can't say", and he said "Correct, question two...."



The United team to play Barcelona...

Van Der Sar
Evra
Ferdinand
Vidic
Rafael
Valencia
Park
Carrick
An unnamed Premiership footballer
Rooney
Hernandez

[Rob]

	Quote:	outrage
	I heard he wasn't homesick in Manchester, but he does miss Wales occasionally. Also, talking of Wales, do you know Immogen Thomas has taken up a music career. I heard that she's doing gigs in Manchester. I was on Matermind and the guy asked me "which Manchester United footballer is known as the Welsh Wizard". I answered "I can't say", and he said "Correct, question two...." The United team to play Barcelona... Van Der Sar Evra Ferdinand Vidic Rafael Valencia Park Carrick An unnamed Premiership footballer Rooney Hernandez

Masked Man Utd fans have vandalised cars belonging to Paparazzi camped outside Ryan Giggs' house. Police are looking for 4 men with Cockney accents, two Indians and a Chinaman.

And superinjunctions have been renamed Gigging orders.

[Wasted]

Magic Penis

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass...!!!!!!!!!!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

[outrage]

	Quote:	Rob
	Masked Man Utd fans have vandalised cars belonging to Paparazzi camped outside Ryan Giggs' house. Police are looking for 4 men with Cockney accents, two Indians and a Chinaman.

How many Man Utd fns does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to drive him up from Surrey.

[TitanTurbo10]

The sexual position previously known as 69 has been renamed 96. Due to inflation and the current financial crisis, the cost of eating out has had to increase.

[Meisie]

What do a church service in Helsinki and Mortal Kombat have in common?

Finnish Hymn

[TitanTurbo10]

Same joke....just a little different....

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought
he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone,
because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So
he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He
thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another
man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind
the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I
don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have
vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he
stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon,
tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this,
but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?"
he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden
box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big
deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man
replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a
door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its
box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The
whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the
middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick,
get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the
box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the
businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he
finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do
was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that
things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She
thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then
she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick,
my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It
was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three
orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but
it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it
out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to
shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled
over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much
she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she
hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy,
and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right..
Voodoo dick, my ass!"

	Quote:	Wasted
	Magic Penis A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!' The husband said, 'The what'? The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!' The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.' The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass...!!!!!!!!!!' The rest, as they say, is history...

Not really a joke but made me laugh!

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.d...ht_1885wt_1179