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  #1081  
Old 03.06.2011, 06:05
hoppy
 
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.


FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.


Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.


Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.


Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!


My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.


In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.


The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.


I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.


I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.


KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.


I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.


When you work here
you can name your own salary.
I named mine "Fred".


Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.


Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.


Red meat is not bad for you
Furry green meat is bad for you.


Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.


Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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  #1082  
Old 20.06.2011, 21:42
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

The other day I bumped into Rick Astley, and asked him if he could lend me his collection of Pixar films.
His reply?
"Well, I can lend you Cars, Toy Story and Finding Nemo, but I'm never gonna give you Up!"
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  #1083  
Old 20.06.2011, 21:46
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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The other day I bumped into Rick Astley, and asked him if he could lend me his collection of Pixar films.
His reply?
"Well, I can lend you Cars, Toy Story and Finding Nemo, but I'm never gonna give you Up!"




although I would have found it funnier if you left out the name and Rick Rolled us a bit more ambiguosly
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  #1084  
Old 22.06.2011, 12:49
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Father of the year

A man boarded a plane with six kids. (gutsy guy!)
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No! I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints."
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  #1085  
Old 04.07.2011, 12:35
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says,



"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."


Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"


She replies, "It's me .............. talking to the wine."..
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  #1086  
Old 05.07.2011, 10:42
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'
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  #1087  
Old 07.07.2011, 16:54
BillyTerrible
 
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
.....
!'
I have heard it at lease 15 years ago.
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  #1088  
Old 07.07.2011, 16:59
BillyTerrible
 
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Q: Do you have Facebook?
A: Yes.
Q: MSN?
A: Yes.
Q: Skype?
A: Yes.
Q: Twitter?
A: Yes.
Q: How about a life?
A: Oh I have that too, but I forgot my password.
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  #1089  
Old 13.08.2011, 20:31
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #1090  
Old 14.08.2011, 11:30
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Apple Does it Again!
Apple announced today it developed a breast implant
that can store and play music.
The iTiT willcost from $4990 to $9990,
depending on cup and speaker size.


This is considered a major social breakthrough,
because women are always complaining about men
staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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  #1091  
Old 14.08.2011, 16:31
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

The Jamaican government did a study ( with tax dollars) to see why there are so many deadly motorcycle accidents in Jamaica ..

I think you'll be surprised at the results.








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  #1092  
Old 15.08.2011, 11:52
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Funny joke

Here is what I just heard from a friend; I hope it makes you laugh.

The smile on your face is pricelesss

so here I go,

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do..?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do..? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then..?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And..?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do..?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do..?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then..? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister, A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
But I like the way u think !! ;D
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  #1093  
Old 15.08.2011, 12:13
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Re: Funny joke

There are two existing threads for jokes - one for good ones, one for terrible ones.

You decide where to put it
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  #1094  
Old 15.08.2011, 12:18
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Re: Funny joke

My first thread on Jokes. Don't know if it's right or wrong place. What's the process to move it? If this is not where it should be.
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  #1095  
Old 15.08.2011, 19:02
ARandomUsername
 
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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The Jamaican government did a study ( with tax dollars) to see why there are so many deadly motorcycle accidents in Jamaica ..

I think you'll be surprised at the results.








What was the question?
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  #1096  
Old 15.08.2011, 19:04
ARandomUsername
 
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Re: Funny joke

Quote:
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There are two existing threads for jokes - one for good ones, one for terrible ones.

You decide where to put it
That's what the nun said.
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  #1097  
Old 16.08.2011, 03:49
hoppy
 
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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What was the question?
I showed my husband this he loves bikes and well, you know. He said "What's the question again?" So I accused him of not paying attention and being easily distracted, not the type of responsible person I should be riding pillion with. He laughed and replied " No the logic is all wrong. the lack of helmets cannot be the cause of accidents, you don't have a bike accident because you don't wear a helmet, the accident is caused by something that causes you to lose control, perhaps because you are distracted. The lack of a helmet is just a contributory factor in any resulting head injury."
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  #1098  
Old 19.08.2011, 17:43
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

What Religion is Your Bra?


A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's

and shyly walked up to

the woman behind the counter and said,

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "

" What type of bra?"

asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around,"

said the saleslady,

as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color

and material imaginable.


"Actually,

even with all of this variety,

there are really only

four types of bras to choose from ."

Relieved, the man asked

about the types.

The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic,

the Salvation Army,

the Presbyterian,

and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?"


Now totally befuddled,

the man asked about

the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

"It is all really quite simple. .


The Catholic type

Supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used

to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,

but couldn't figure out

what the letters stood for,

It is about time

you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there...

{C} Can't Complain!...

{D} Dang!...

{DD} Double dang!......

{E} Enormous!...

{F} Fake...

{G} Get a Reduction...

{H} Help me, I've fallen

And I can't get up!...





They forgot the German bra:

Holtzemfromfloppen
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  #1099  
Old 19.08.2011, 18:04
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
What Religion is Your Bra?


A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's

and shyly walked up to

the woman behind the counter and said,

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "

" What type of bra?"

asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around,"

said the saleslady,

as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color

and material imaginable.


"Actually,

even with all of this variety,

there are really only

four types of bras to choose from ."

Relieved, the man asked

about the types.

The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic,

the Salvation Army,

the Presbyterian,

and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?"


Now totally befuddled,

the man asked about

the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

"It is all really quite simple. .


The Catholic type

Supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used

to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,

but couldn't figure out

what the letters stood for,

It is about time

you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there...

{C} Can't Complain!...

{D} Dang!...

{DD} Double dang!......

{E} Enormous!...

{F} Fake...

{G} Get a Reduction...

{H} Help me, I've fallen

And I can't get up!...





They forgot the German bra:

Holtzemfromfloppen
buha ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah aha ha Nice 1 ... really nice
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  #1100  
Old 19.08.2011, 19:01
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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I have heard it at lease 15 years ago.
And??

Paddy told the wife he keeps getting a stinging sensation around his anus and didn't know what to do.
"Ring Sting?" His wife said.

"How the feck will he know" said Paddy
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