know a good one? [jokes thread]

[greenmoon]

A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters:
'C Z W I N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me', announces Cavan.
He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda. 'I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Slappy White

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
Robert Paul

[ceppych]

Hopefully that's the bottom of the barrel

[Meisie]

Me, behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies!

[colinwheeler]

	Quote:	Meisie
	Me, behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies!

Hear Hear!!!!! Down with political correctness and nanny states and back to FUN!!!!!

[araqyl]

	Quote:	colinwheeler
	Hear Hear!!!!! Down with political correctness and nanny states and back to FUN!!!!!

I just want to know if Noddy's back to the way he was ... sleeping with Big Ears and driving his gay little car ...

[YYY]

It's that time again, work computer told me to pick a new password with at least 8 characters.

I went for Snow White and the seven dwarves.

(2011 Edingburgh winner)

[TammieE]

Man in the hospital bed wearing a oxygen mask over his mouth."Nurse?"he mumbles.Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, hold his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, She takes a close look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, and smiles at her and says very slowly,"Thanks for that,it was lovely, but listen to me very very carefully.Are -My-Test- Re-Sults-Back?"

[Nelly_Da_Hefferlump]

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'

The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?'

The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!’

[Upthehatters2008]

England vs Argentina in the World Cup.

[Verbier]

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS:

Understanding Engineers #1


Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



Understanding Engineers #2


To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers #3


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"



Understanding Engineers #4


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers #5


The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers #6


Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers #7


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.



Understanding Engineers #8


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

[dodgyken]

An American** wants to do Ski Jumping.

So off he goes to the first one he can find, and asks how much. "£100 to Americans but only £25 to anyone else", he's told "I'm not paying that, that's discrimination" he said (ed note. big word there).

So off trots our hero (?) to the next ski slope and is told the price is £10 per person except Americans who are charged £150.

The guy is pretty pissed off, leaves and travels to the third, expecting the same but determined to have one last go at finding a non-discriminating slope. He gets to the slope and it told it will cost him only £5 but everyone else £250. "Hotdigitydog this can't be bad" the young American thought.

So he gets into all his gear, climbs to the top of the slope and pushes off. The wind is whipping in his hair as he thunders down the slope, gaining in speed all the time. He flies off the end of the slope only to hear somebody yell 'PULL'



**Insert nationality of choice for Jokes of this kind!

[araqyl]

	Quote:	Seany101
	There's 3 types of people in the world. Those who are good at maths and those who aren't.

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

(Yes, I know it's been used several times before, but there's always a chance somebody has not yet read/heard it!).

[mirfield]

	Quote:	araqyl
	there's always a chance somebody has not yet read/heard it!).

A chance in 0F4240.

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby Cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand it, her curiosity got to her. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[Nelly_Da_Hefferlump]

In the spirit of the Rugby World Cup....

How does this work?

[Russkov]

[adrianlondon]

In Soviet Russia, CSI watch you!

[M. Ploymi]

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is
asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as
smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really?

Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Verbier]

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.


I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.


I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.


I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not much on physical activity!

[araqyl]

	Quote:	Verbier
	I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not much on physical activity!

Have you ever visited "Bitte nicht einsteigen"? Looks popular, but exclusive - lots of trains, trams and buses seem to go there, but the drivers never let me board!