know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Nelly_Da_Hefferlump]

On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the beach at Wanganui in his car, when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey was struggling frantically to free himself, from the jaws of a 5-metre shark. As the Pope watched horrified, a Waka cruised up alongside with two men wearing All Black jerseys.

Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I heard that there was some bitter rivalry between New Zealand and Australia , but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, Rangi asked Hohepa 'Who was that, bro?'

'That was the Pope cuz' Hohepa replied. 'He's in direct contact with God, and has access to all of God's wisdom.'

"Well' Rangi said, 'he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know bugger all about shark fishing ............. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another Aussie?"

[mark1978]

'YOUR PARROT IS DEAD, SENOR!'
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto.. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he
is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A Candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle?? !!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tailor Made R580 XD
golf club.'

SILENCE ... .. . . . . .. . .

LONG SILENCE . . .. . . . . .....


'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'

[NSchulzi]

Forty travellers from Dale Farm arrive at the Pearly Gates in their caravans.

St. Peter goes to the gatehouse and phones up God, asking "Can I let them in?"


God replies: "We are full, but tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let them in"


A minute later St. Peter calls God again: "They've gone"


"What?" says God, "All 40 of them?"


"No, the Pearly Gates"

[jrspet]

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Man in hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask. "Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

Nurse lifts up his gown, holds his willy in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a look and says "There's nothing wrong with them sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it felt lovely, but this time listen very carefully.... Are-my-test-results-back?!"

[Verbier]

[oscarsmum]

Lorrie and Steve took their six-year-
old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained
that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they
were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor
confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the
problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived
at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of
the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The
rest are for your father.'

[outrage]

	Quote:	oscarsmum
	Lorrie and Steve took their six-year- old son to the doctor.... 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

I am a little confused. Who is Brenda? What happened to Lorrie and Steve? Who is the boy's father? Are there dead bodies involved...

[oscarsmum]

Well spotted!

Brenda is the nubile young au pair who looks after the six-year old and 'takes care' of Steve too.

[outrage]

Ah! I thought it would be something like that.

[Verbier]

[swissotter]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman again sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, and shuddered violently.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes had passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As previously, she took a tissue and wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ”I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?”
”I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before,” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”
The woman nodded. “Pepper.”

[Nelly_Da_Hefferlump]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE :

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the
Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300
years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy..
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate.." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

[mirfield]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'?
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'?

'Yes' she says.

The man replies..

'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

[Verbier]

Not really a joke but try to count the number of CIRCLES in this photo.



Hint: There are 16

[higgybaby]

An English man and his wife are in an electrical store to buy a television.
The man asks her, "What's your favourite Tellytubby?"
She answers, "Erm....Tinky Winky."
He says, "No I was asking you what's your favourite television.?

[needtoknow]

The parrot joke


A man had a parrot that could talk. Unfortunately, it swore a lot. In an effort to get the parrot to be quiet, he put him in a cupboard. The parrot continued swearing and after a while the man decided to put the bird in the freezer. After that, the parrot started swearing even more. After a few minutes, he suddenly became quiet. The man opened up the freezer and the parrot said, "I'm sorry, sir, it will never happen again." As the man took the bird out of the freezer he wondered what the difference was between the cupboard and the freezer. Just then, the parrot said, "So, uh, what'd the chicken do?"

[PaddyG]

	Quote:	Verbier
	Not really a joke but try to count the number of CIRCLES in this photo. Hint: There are 16

Erm...16?

[Verbier]

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to pay, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'Of course the Madam said 'No'.The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed towards the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby- sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

[Verbier]

	Quote:	PaddyG
	Erm...16?

YES there are !

Try staring at the X in the middle of the photo.

[Nyonais]

GRANDPA TO GRANDCHILD: Go hide, your teacher is here, as you have bunked school today!

GRANDCHILD: YOU go and hide. I told them 'YOU' PASSED AWAY.