Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Off-Topic > Off-Topic > Jokes/funnies  
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1141  
Old 24.11.2011, 19:31
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: La Cote
Posts: 382
Groaned at 18 Times in 8 Posts
Thanked 307 Times in 147 Posts
Nyonais has made some interesting contributions
Som more silly jokes-;))

-------GRANDMA IN COURT...nice


Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if
they aren’t prepared or the answer!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called
his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
you're a big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on
your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when
you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes,
I know you.."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones,
do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's
lawyer)?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy,
bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women. One of
them was your wife. ..
Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench
and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks
her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt
of court !!!
------------

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards
are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:


1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2.. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from"

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us,
they can reproduce, and they vote!!!!!
-----------------
My wife was watching a cooking program the other day.


I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."


She said, "You watch porn."
------------
Thanks everyone...

As we start the beginning of another year - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I cannot use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I ALSO MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.


I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying petrol from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying petrol from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

I you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large amount of poo will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late .

P.S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW ALL THIS.
------
Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
-------

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

Last edited by Nyonais; 24.11.2011 at 20:13. Reason: changed the title
Reply With Quote
  #1142  
Old 25.11.2011, 22:01
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: La Cote
Posts: 382
Groaned at 18 Times in 8 Posts
Thanked 307 Times in 147 Posts
Nyonais has made some interesting contributions
Re: Som more silly jokes-;))

Brilliant Answers by a student but the teacher flunked him in any case...

Q- In which battle did Tipu Sultan die?
A- His last battle !

Q- Where was the declaration of independence signed?
A- At the bottom of the page !

Q- What's the main reason for Divorce?
A- Marriage!

Q- river Ganges flows in which state?
A- Liquid state !

Q- When was Mahatma Gandhi born?
A- On his birthday !

Q- How will u distribute 8 mangoes among 6 people?
A- By preparing mango shake....
Reply With Quote
  #1143  
Old 30.11.2011, 17:16
slammer's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Lummerland
Posts: 5,283
Groaned at 146 Times in 102 Posts
Thanked 9,182 Times in 3,480 Posts
slammer has a reputation beyond reputeslammer has a reputation beyond reputeslammer has a reputation beyond reputeslammer has a reputation beyond reputeslammer has a reputation beyond reputeslammer has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Woman phones for an ambulance: "You gotta help me, my waters just broke!"
.
Emergency services: "Calm down dear. Tell me, where are you ringing from"?
.
Woman: "the waist down!"
Reply With Quote
  #1144  
Old 01.12.2011, 18:47
Sbrinz's Avatar
RIP
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Murten - Morat
Posts: 11,866
Groaned at 563 Times in 354 Posts
Thanked 11,548 Times in 5,941 Posts
Sbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A LITTLE ENGLISH HUMOUR

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
.
Reply With Quote
  #1145  
Old 16.12.2011, 13:18
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 4,323
Groaned at 16 Times in 16 Posts
Thanked 4,527 Times in 2,304 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Happy (fill in the space here)

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally -conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make your country great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .

Best Regards (without prejudice)

Name withheld (Data Protection Act)
__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda
Reply With Quote
  #1146  
Old 03.03.2012, 02:36
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: California
Posts: 667
Groaned at 26 Times in 14 Posts
Thanked 700 Times in 310 Posts
SwissPete has earned the respect of manySwissPete has earned the respect of manySwissPete has earned the respect of many
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A salesman knocks on the door and a little boy answers the door.
The salesman asks, "Hello, young man, is your mother home?"
The boy replies, "No, she ain't home."
The salesman asks, "Why, young man, where's your grammar?"
The boy answers, "She ain't home neither."
Reply With Quote
  #1147  
Old 07.03.2012, 20:10
Nelly_Da_Hefferlump's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Zürich, Switzerland
Posts: 767
Groaned at 8 Times in 7 Posts
Thanked 876 Times in 356 Posts
Nelly_Da_Hefferlump has a reputation beyond reputeNelly_Da_Hefferlump has a reputation beyond reputeNelly_Da_Hefferlump has a reputation beyond reputeNelly_Da_Hefferlump has a reputation beyond reputeNelly_Da_Hefferlump has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a
typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'


The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,





'ad him circumcised...
__________________
Warning: Dyslexic armed with a spellchecker : If yuo can raed tihs tehn dnot cmolpain to me aobut spleling.
Reply With Quote
  #1148  
Old 07.03.2012, 20:25
Sbrinz's Avatar
RIP
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Murten - Morat
Posts: 11,866
Groaned at 563 Times in 354 Posts
Thanked 11,548 Times in 5,941 Posts
Sbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond reputeSbrinz has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

My son aged 22 came home tonight, said he was tired, had a bad day, and that he had received several wolf whistles at work today.

Jeeze I said, that can't be so bad!

Well he said, they were all ugly, and there were lots of kids running about.

Where were you then? - In the womens' prison at Hindelbank! (True story)

http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hindelbank
Reply With Quote
  #1149  
Old 09.03.2012, 09:56
oscarsmum's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: La Belle France
Posts: 245
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 143 Times in 80 Posts
oscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
Reply With Quote
  #1150  
Old 12.03.2012, 16:33
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 4,323
Groaned at 16 Times in 16 Posts
Thanked 4,527 Times in 2,304 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Stupid Humor - The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
Brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom-dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
Niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda
Reply With Quote
  #1151  
Old 12.03.2012, 16:36
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 4,323
Groaned at 16 Times in 16 Posts
Thanked 4,527 Times in 2,304 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

What Causes Arthritis?


A drunk, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket.


He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?



The priest replied, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man and lack of a bath."


The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.


The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"


The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda
Reply With Quote
  #1152  
Old 12.03.2012, 16:38
MidfieldGeneral's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Zürich
Posts: 1,498
Groaned at 92 Times in 85 Posts
Thanked 3,070 Times in 1,244 Posts
MidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond reputeMidfieldGeneral has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!"
and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.
He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
Reply With Quote
  #1153  
Old 22.03.2012, 13:29
oscarsmum's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: La Belle France
Posts: 245
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 143 Times in 80 Posts
oscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond reputeoscarsmum has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that
stated Dr. Gianni in Italy could enlarge her breasts without
surgery.

She decided to go to Dr. Gianni to see if he could help her.

Dr. Gianni advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest
and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'"

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement
she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic
realized that she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened that she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite
the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus
closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger
boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Are you a patient of
Dr. Gianni's?"
"Yes I am... how did you know?"

He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock!!"
__________________
That's for me to know.......and you NOT to find out!
Reply With Quote
  #1154  
Old 22.03.2012, 21:34
ratbag's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Zürich
Posts: 456
Groaned at 21 Times in 15 Posts
Thanked 374 Times in 203 Posts
ratbag is considered knowledgeableratbag is considered knowledgeableratbag is considered knowledgeable
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Guy walks into a bar and stands at the counter waiting to order a beer..... as you do.
He was shortly joined by the most amazing male body physique he had ever met but which hosted the tiniest head he had ever seen.
He tried all in his power to avoid staring. But could not avert his gaze.
He felt really embarrassed when he made prolonged eye contact was his misshapen neighbour.
These were the eyes of somebody who had had everything anybody could ever want but let it slip from his grasp.
They exchanged pleasentries and began to tentatively converse.
The subject inevitably turned to the misfortune that befell the pinhead...sorry.
Appatently he had found an exotic strangely shaped bottle by Lake Zurich some days earlier.
Upon removing the lid from the bottle a stunningly beautiful redhead (ok, all the best parts are already taken by blondes) appeared beside him.
He was completely startled, but was soon put at ease when she explained that she was a genie who had been locked in the bottle for several millenia.
She promised that she would be eternally grateful for what he had done.
As is usual in these circumstances he was duly offered his three wishes of anything he desired which would instantaneously be granted without question.
After some careful thought he decided that he would like to be the richest person in the world and requested a bank account whose balance would automatically double overnight, every night, forever, (just like derivative traders virtual accounts) and would start with a ten figure balance.
Before he could blink an eyelid an account booklet appeared in his hand showing a Swiss account which was exactly what he had requested.
As he contemplated the possibilities with a wild glint in his eyes he was interrupted by the genie who asked him to hurry with his next request as she had not seen her love for such a long time and wished to be away.
He thought very long and hard on the second wish... weighed up all the possibilities and decided that there was no material thing to be further desired....
Ok, he said. My second wish is for eternal youth and good health and for a set of equipment that any woman in the world would love to hold and behold.
Boing!! His muscles instantly bulged and he felt like never before in his life!! Powerful, Vigorous, Glowing.
He flexed himself and was astounded at his enormous physique.
After several minutes he was again prompted by the genie to please quickly choose his third wish as she was now become moist with longing for her beloved.
The blood pulses through his veins and he began to look longingly and lovingly at her and the hormones began to flood his brain....then, without a further thought he said...
OK,..................How about a little head!
BOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply With Quote
  #1155  
Old 21.04.2012, 23:37
Smith13's Avatar
Newbie 1st class
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: ZH
Posts: 25
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 17 Times in 14 Posts
Smith13 has made some interesting contributions
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
Reply With Quote
  #1156  
Old 23.05.2012, 12:42
openid's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Bern
Posts: 499
Groaned at 12 Times in 10 Posts
Thanked 251 Times in 141 Posts
openid is considered knowledgeableopenid is considered knowledgeableopenid is considered knowledgeable
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A married couple at the Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to it and see how horny it gets just as men do.'

Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla begins to get a hard-on and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'

Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum to it and let us see what happens!'

The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now, was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'

Mark replies: 'Now, give it one of the excuses that you usually give me:

That you don't feel like it

That you have a headache

That you're tired

That your throat is aching

That it is still too early

That I must understand you as a woman

That you are depressed

That you are in one of those days

That you are having a very busy week

That all you need is just to cuddle up

That you're tensed up

That you have to wake up very early tomorrow

That you woke up very early today

That you walked for long and your feet are aching

That caresses and hugs is all that you want today

That you're so tensed up that all you want is a good massage to make you relax

That you feel like watching TV

That you don't wanna miss the soapies

That you're from the Hair salon and therefore you can't move and spoil your hair

Go on, explain all that to the Gorilla and if it understands, if you can persuade it, then I’ll accept that Gorillas and men are same and I promise you that from today on I'll accept your excuses ... !'
Reply With Quote
  #1157  
Old 28.06.2012, 23:47
tigerli's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Aargau
Posts: 223
Groaned at 4 Times in 1 Post
Thanked 263 Times in 136 Posts
tigerli has earned the respect of manytigerli has earned the respect of manytigerli has earned the respect of many
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the
standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,

"But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
Reply With Quote
  #1158  
Old 10.07.2012, 19:43
Verbier's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lully VD
Posts: 4,323
Groaned at 16 Times in 16 Posts
Thanked 4,527 Times in 2,304 Posts
Verbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond reputeVerbier has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Reply With Quote
  #1159  
Old 16.07.2012, 20:16
araqyl's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Zurich, West-side
Posts: 2,073
Groaned at 7 Times in 6 Posts
Thanked 1,205 Times in 649 Posts
araqyl has a reputation beyond reputearaqyl has a reputation beyond reputearaqyl has a reputation beyond reputearaqyl has a reputation beyond reputearaqyl has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A professional photographer went along to a dinner party, and the host met him at the door. "You take great photos," the host gushed, "You must have a fantastic camera!"

The photographer just smiled, shook hands, and went in to enjoy the party. At the end of the evening, on his way out, the photographer shook the host's hand and said, "Dinner was great - you must have a fantastic oven!"
Reply With Quote
  #1160  
Old 02.08.2012, 16:05
Chemmie's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Zurich
Posts: 4,141
Groaned at 33 Times in 29 Posts
Thanked 4,935 Times in 2,231 Posts
Chemmie has a reputation beyond reputeChemmie has a reputation beyond reputeChemmie has a reputation beyond reputeChemmie has a reputation beyond reputeChemmie has a reputation beyond reputeChemmie has a reputation beyond repute
Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
...The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'
__________________
"You have reached the end of you free trial membership at BenjaminFranklinQuotes.com" -Benjamin Franklin
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
joke




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT +2. The time now is 10:57.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0