A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns atthe Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to hisbed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?",asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.
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That's for me to know.......and you NOT to find out!
Last edited by oscarsmum; 29.08.2012 at 15:54.
Reason: removing details.
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until
dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia ."
"I see," the captain said.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
HORSE - "Watching some kind of equestrian
event during the Paralympics a couple of days
ago, and my first thought was, 'Oh, they've
even got disabled horses.' Then I realised it
was the dressage."
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I need five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me."
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find waterfirst!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do notwant to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I ambigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and rasped.....
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the new post man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'Well when he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister."
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.
With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"
Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, deputy Prime Minister?"
Bubba decided to go to Florida with his buddy, Billy Bob
So they loaded up Bubba's pickup and headed across Alabama. After driving for a few hours, they broke down. So they walked to a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize there's a problem and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," they said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. We'll get the car fixed first thing and we'll be gone in the morning."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the mechanic came, fixed the car, and off they went,
A few days later, they're on the beach in Clearwater and in extreme discomfort. Bubba says to Billy Bob : "When we stayed at that farm, did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes, "Billy Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did. She asked me to put a condom on, and we had a great time."
Bubba says : "Well, I must admit I heard you creeping back so I thought I'd do the same, so I went along and she asked me to put a condom on, and we had a great time."
So they look at each other for a few seconds and Billy Bob says to Bubba : "Do you really care if that chick gets pregnant?"
"No, let's take these ****ing things off and go and have a p**s."
__________________
We fought them until Hell froze over. And then played hockey on the ice.
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into
earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
__________________
Do or do not, there is no try(ing). Yoda
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.
Four Swissies are climbing on each others shoulders in an attempt to measure the height of parking lot barrier that's in the upright position. They keep falling off each other, knocking each other about, etc.
An American walks by and after watching this little comedy fest for about 5-minutes asks;
"What are you guys going?"
The first Swissie says, "Hoi, we're trying to measure this pole obviously!"
The American says, "Well why don't you lower it and measure it that way?"
To which the Swissie answers, "Do we look stupid? We don't want to know how long it is, we want to know how tall it is!"
![know a good one? [jokes thread]](https://www.englishforum.ch/iconimages/jokes-funnies/know-good-one-jokes-thread_ltr.gif)
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