know a good one? [jokes thread]

No, I'm sorry, I don't see the connection . Had you said the refrigerators were made by "Metal Box", then that wouldn't be funny either.

dave

	Quote:	swisscheese
	For all the Brits in the audiance. Why do the Brits drink warm beer? Because all the refrigerators in England are made by Lucas. Although this is an inside joke many will appreciate it, I'm sure. To all those who raced sports cars Lucas was know as "The Prince of Darkness."

[Fraser]

	Quote:	swisscheese
	No Comment. Jokes lose their humor when they have to be explained.

You should probably have considered that before you explained your "joke" in the first place.

I'd point out the irony here if I thought you understood what irony is.

You can "groan" me all you like, the fact of the matter remains that your joke simply wasn't any good.

[chemgoddess]

Right, mainstream US beer isn't good. That's exactly what I said. Bud, coors, miller etc. But there are 100's of breweries and microbreweries all across the US that definitely don't don't send their beer out of the country and most often not even out of the state it's brewed in.

Oh, here's an article about the Australian International Beer Awards.

http://beeradvocate.com/news/stories_read/f-1009588

And here's one about the World Beer Cup.

http://www.beertown.org/events/wbc/w...ners_2006.html

And one about the New Zealand Interation Beer Awards.

http://www.nz-beer-awards.co.nz/2006results.htm

As a tried and true beer lover, I find it unfortunate that this guy went all over the US and wasn't capable of finding a decent pint. Maybe he should have stopped looking at the mainstream beers.

And if you wanna talk about awful beer, how's about any Swiss beer you find at a bar in good ole Switzerland?

	Quote:	DaveA
	Read "Three Sheets to the Wind" by Peter Brown. He undertakes a worldwide trek in search of beer. And guess what ? Mainstream US beer is complete <not very good at all>. dave

We were talking in generic terms about mainstream US beer. It is weak-piss-water that the breweries are proud-of and the average customer clearly drinks.

The use of the word "mainstream" in my quote was deliberate. The book also contains some very interesting anecdotes about the passion of some of the microbrewery owners.

If you're interested in beer, both "Man Walked Into a Pub" and "Three Sheets to the Wind" are lighthearted entertaining reads.

dave

	Quote:	chemgoddess
	Right, mainstream US beer isn't good. That's exactly what I said. Bud, coors, miller etc. But there are 100's of breweries and microbreweries all across the US that definitely don't don't send their beer out of the country and most often not even out of the state it's brewed in. Oh, here's an article about the Australian International Beer Awards. http://beeradvocate.com/news/stories_read/f-1009588 And here's one about the World Beer Cup. http://www.beertown.org/events/wbc/w...ners_2006.html And one about the New Zealand Interation Beer Awards. http://www.nz-beer-awards.co.nz/2006results.htm As a tried and true beer lover, I find it unfortunate that this guy went all over the US and wasn't capable of finding a decent pint. Maybe he should have stopped looking at the mainstream beers. And if you wanna talk about awful beer, how's about any Swiss beer you find at a bar in good ole Switzerland?

[swisscheese]

	Quote:	DaveA
	Read "Three Sheets to the Wind" by Peter Brown. He undertakes a worldwide trek in search of beer. And guess what ? Mainstream US beer is complete <not very good at all>. dave

Dave you are usually a voice of reason among the many unreasonable.

Why would a person waste his/her life treking the world looking for a single 'good' beer? It will be only his opinion when done and what does ones persons opinion matter in the greater scheme of things. Perhaps a thousand people will ever hear of the person and his/her quest. How sad!

I'm sure it was intended as humorous but it not when viewed from the standpoint of another wasted life.

On swearing:

It gives a bad impression, it makes you unpleasant to be with, it endangers your relationships, it's a tool for whiners and complainers, it reduces the respect people have for you, it shows you don't have control, its the sign of a bad attitude, it's immature, it reflects ignorance, it sets a bad example, it contributes to the decline of civility, it offend more people than you think, it makes others uncomfortable, it is disrespectful of others, it is a sign of hostility, it can lead to violence, it's abrasive, lazy language, it doesn't communicate clearly, it neglects more meaningful words, it lacks imagination, and it has lost its effectiveness.

[William Tell]

Not so much a joke, as a warning!

This is the latest scam in the Zurich area - be careful, it may be
spreading to other kantons:

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are parking.

One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other
comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts
almost falling out of her blouse, (impossible not to look).

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no and beg you for
a ride to the nearest shopping centre. You agree and tell them to sit
in the back.

On the way they start having sex in the back seat.

Then one of them jumps to the front seat & starts to perform oral sex
on you, while the other one steals your wallet !!

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, but I couldn't
find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.

Read the book, I may have given the wrong impression. You might actually learn something about beer, its culture and development, and don't be limited by treating it in a revered , snobbish fashion that has prevented many people becoming more interested in wine.

	Quote:	swisscheese
	Dave you are usually a voice of reason among the many unreasonable. Why would a person waste his/her life treking the world looking for a single 'good' beer? It will be only his opinion when done and what does ones persons opinion matter in the greater scheme of things. Perhaps a thousand people will ever hear of the person and his/her quest. How sad! I'm sure it was intended as humorous but it not when viewed from the standpoint of another wasted life.

Wrong on so many levels. The richness of language should be applauded, and it should be used to its fullest. English is bewildering in its complexity, nuance , irony , inflexion and innuendo. As regards use: context is everything.

	Quote:	swisscheese
	On swearing: It gives a bad impression, it makes you unpleasant to be with, it endangers your relationships, it's a tool for whiners and complainers, it reduces the respect people have for you, it shows you don't have control, its the sign of a bad attitude, it's immature, it reflects ignorance, it sets a bad example, it contributes to the decline of civility, it offend more people than you think, it makes others uncomfortable, it is disrespectful of others, it is a sign of hostility, it can lead to violence, it's abrasive, lazy language, it doesn't communicate clearly, it neglects more meaningful words, it lacks imagination, and it has lost its effectiveness.

dave

I thought these were your words. Clearly not.

dave

	Quote:	swisscheese
	On swearing: It gives a bad impression, it makes you unpleasant to be with, it endangers your relationships, it's a tool for whiners and complainers, it reduces the respect people have for you, it shows you don't have control, its the sign of a bad attitude, it's immature, it reflects ignorance, it sets a bad example, it contributes to the decline of civility, it offend more people than you think, it makes others uncomfortable, it is disrespectful of others, it is a sign of hostility, it can lead to violence, it's abrasive, lazy language, it doesn't communicate clearly, it neglects more meaningful words, it lacks imagination, and it has lost its effectiveness.

[swisscheese]

Gee Dave, but I knew every word before I typed it. BTW there was no writer credited with this list of reason why you should not swear hence I did not credit anyone.

I does not diminish it a single bit as it appears was your intentn else you would not have mentioned it as you probably read the same web site I did.

We should not try to be petty, it is very unattractive.

Petty is obviously unattractive, is your being patronising and trying to adopt the moral high-ground any better ? Save PC for somewhere else. It gets short shrift from me.

dave

	Quote:	swisscheese
	Gee Dave, but I knew every word before I typed it. BTW there was no writer credited with this list of reason why you should not swear hence I did not credit anyone. I does not diminish it a single bit as it appears was your intentn else you would not have mentioned it as you probably read the same web site I did. We should not try to be petty, it is very unattractive.

[Lou]

Guys this is the jokes thread; get back to being funny & quit the personal insults please.

[swisscheese]

Dave,

I'm pretty cetain you are mixing metaphors when you say "You will get short shrift...."

As I remember my Catechism a shrift is a penance. So are you saying your sorry for your words? Or are you saying your sorry in a few words?

This will be the end of this banter. If you want to continue it start a new thread. This is afterall a joke or at least humerous anecdotes like: Why do the Brits drink warm....

[grumpygrapefruit]

I thought the original was.....

Why does a Welshman shag a sheep on the side of a cliff? So it pushes back.

It may have been a Yorkshire joke to start with and I'm a Yorkshireman and can still laugh. I don't have any sheep though, just some local goats. And no cliffs round here I promise.

	Quote:	Polorise
	Welsh sex aid a pair of wellingtons and two bits of string..... instructions for use "Use wellingtons on front legs for hygiene, one piece of string to tie tail up, use other to whip and heighten desire" How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass? Very Satisfying What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in wales? A leisure centre What do you call a Welshman with many girlfriends? A shepherd. Did you hear that Welsh people have discovered a new use for sheep? Wool What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp! What's a Welsh definition of "safe sex"? Spray painting a cross on the back of the ones that kick

Then you should cease being so cetain(sic). I suggest you use your skills to look up the expression. I tire of this, so I'm not going to continue this discussion.

dave

	Quote:	swisscheese
	Dave, I'm pretty cetain you are mixing metaphors when you say "You will get short shrift...." As I remember my Catechism a shrift is a penance. So are you saying your sorry for your words? Or are you saying your sorry in a few words?

[Polorise]

A blond was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to the
clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "why, that's a thermos....
it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the blond, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!"
So she took the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss, who is also blond, saw it on her desk."What's that?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos...
it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"she replied.
"What do you have in it?"asked the boss



"Two popsicles and some coffee"

[Blonaybear]

A WOMAN was helping her computer illiterate husband set up his PC, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would be Mr. Cool and try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it very obvious to his wife that he was keying in the word "p..e..n..i..s."
His wife fell off her chair laughing hysterically when the computer replied............ PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

It seems to have changed now, but earlier today the swissinfo news section at the bottom of the forum home page had an item "EU now allowed unlimited access to swiss job market" and directly below there was another news item: the revelation that "Swiss environment not getting better".

dave

[Polorise]

[smbuzby]

Grandpa died. Jen was very upset. She asked grandma what happened.

Grandma said "He died of a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning. Jen was agog! Her 94 year old Grandma and Grandpa having sex! Was it not asking for trouble?

"Oh no, " said Grandma, " we had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells. In with the ding. Out with the dong. He would have been fine if it wasn't for the bloody ice cream van!"

[Tim]

Managed to use an old one successfully on my colleague, who fancies himself as a bit of a ladies man and who was together with our beautiful secretary having a cigarette in the smoking area. As I passed I said to him..

Hey, I had a dream about you last night..... I'd died and gone to hell....it was horrible...I couldn't stand it any more....I told the devil that there had to be a way out...I was desparate...and he said there was only one way....I asked him what it was...told him I would do anything....and then he showed me the ugliest girl I had ever seen in my life...told me I had to make love to her....honestly she was so ugly I just couldn't bear the thought....I had to decline....but two days later I was so desperate....so desperate that I said I would do it....anything to get out of there...so he took me to a room....and in she walked....and we started doing it....and I was hating every moment of it.....when suddenly I looked to the side of me....and there YOU were.....making love with our beautiful secretary...and I stopped immediately.....called over the devil...and told him I was outraged....why was I in there having to make love to the vilest woman imaginable.....yet my mate was there making love to one of the best looking women that either of us had ever seen?........

At this stage the secretary was looking a little flushed but flattered (and gorgeous as usual) while my mate had his smirking "I am the bees knees" expression on his face, as I continue

Well... said the devil..... it's like this......she's desperate to get out of hell as well!!!!

I know I know it's an old one, but I've never told it to people who didn't know it to such effect. To be able to use our secretary as "the beautiful girl" and hear her laugh out loud so long and hard....while at the same time seeing his face go from how it was to being a mixture of mad at me and absolutely crestfallen...was truly priceless. A moment that will live with me for a long time and one which my mate can laugh about now but for which he still hasn't forgiven me!