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  #1181  
Old 22.10.2012, 17:40
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

COSMIC LAWS......
(Also known as "Truisms")



1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove tosomeonethat a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10.Law of Bio-Mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.Law of the Theater &Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial MarketingStrategyAs soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
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  #1182  
Old 09.12.2012, 12:35
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #1183  
Old 12.12.2012, 14:46
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I was talking to a friend and he was absolutely made up. I asked him why and he said that his son had been offered a trial at Manchester United.

His son's delighted. he says that it's the biggest day in a young referee's career.
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  #1184  
Old 12.12.2012, 14:57
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Jacky and Bobby, two old retired football players, too crocked to play football in their ripe old ages...oh how they wish they could play again.
Bobby's day comes, and he's laid in the hospital on his death bed, Jacky, like always, at his side.
Jacky and Bobby are reminiscing about the old days, and Jacky says
"Bobby, when you get to heaven, tell me how it is, can you play football? send me a message, somehow, please!"
So Bobby passes on, and Jacky is tearful after seeing his lifetime footy chum move on.
A few months pass, and one night, laid in bed, Jacky sees a blinding light that has awoken him, and Bobby appears as a youth.
"Bobby, is that you? You look so young, like your old playing days, is that you Bobby?! Say something!?
"Aye it is Jacky"
"How is it up there, tell me, can you play again?"
"Oh it's grand Jacky, it's like it is when we were young, you can play all you like, the sun always shines, and you never get tired or injured"
"Oh fantastic" says Jacky...
Then Bobby pipes up "That's the good news, the bad news is, you're in the team for Saturday"
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  #1185  
Old 27.12.2012, 15:53
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I saw this one on Facebook earlier in the week. I'll let you figure it out:

"Why was the tomato blushing?"
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  #1186  
Old 08.01.2013, 12:30
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
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  #1187  
Old 15.01.2013, 21:21
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

.
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  #1188  
Old 22.01.2013, 01:13
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
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  #1189  
Old 23.01.2013, 22:12
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Washington state legalized gay marriage and marijuana on the same day. Leviticus 20:13 – “if a man lays with another man, as with a woman, he should be stoned.” We’ve just been interpreting it wrong.
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  #1190  
Old 23.01.2013, 22:26
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A chicken and an egg were lying in bed. The egg is sitting up smoking a cigarette looking awfully smug. The chicken is glaring at the egg from across the bed. Finally, the chicken blurts out, "At least we know the answer to THAT question!"
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  #1191  
Old 26.01.2013, 10:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
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What kind of joke is this. Even I dont understands it
Maybe you have a lot in common with the snail ?


...slowwwwww.
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  #1192  
Old 26.01.2013, 23:30
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where is God?!

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"


The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,

"What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,

"We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
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  #1193  
Old 28.01.2013, 18:21
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
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  #1194  
Old 28.01.2013, 18:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Irish Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork from London .
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000 a year!

When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see
how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, €39

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in Ireland
to insure, because it cost him £2000 in England !

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on
the screen; it says:

*Any
wooden structure with a sprinkler system over it, is €39 !


I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.
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  #1195  
Old 08.03.2013, 12:31
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Will you live to see 85?

WILL YOU LIVE TO SEE 85?



Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (yeh I just reached 61
).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the hell do you want to live to 85?




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  #1196  
Old 08.03.2013, 18:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man goes downstairs after a good nights sleep and is brought to his senses by the smell of a cooked breakfast and the sight of his wife wearing stockings and suspenders. He eats the breakfast and asks why he's been treated so nice since it wasn't his birthday.

His wife says."Have you ever seen a twenty franc note all crumpled up?"

"No," he said.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty franc note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty franc note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," came the reply.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty franc note.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 25,000 francs all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, intrigued.

"Well, go and have a quick look in the garage."
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  #1197  
Old 08.04.2013, 22:10
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A guy walks into a Doctor's Surgery wearing nothing apart from being wrapped in clingfilm.

The doctor looks up and exclaims

'I can clearly see ur nuts'
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  #1198  
Old 08.04.2013, 23:23
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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'I can clearly see ur nuts'
"Ur nuts"? Are they like walnuts, or what?
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  #1199  
Old 09.04.2013, 20:02
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]


Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant,
Who had 8 kids already,
Three who were deaf,
Two who were blind,
One mentally retarded,
And she had syphilis,
Would you recommend that she undergoes an abortion?


Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:


It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts...
Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A:

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses.
He also chain smokes
And drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B:

He was kicked out of office twice,
Sleeps until noon,
Used opium in college
And drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C:

He is a decorated war hero,
He's a vegetarian,
Doesn't smoke,
Drinks an occasional beer
And never committed adultery.


Which of these candidates would be your choice?



Decide first ... No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.














Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.


Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.


Remember:

Amateurs .... Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic

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  #1200  
Old 09.04.2013, 20:19
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
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Remember:

Amateurs .... Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic
So amateurs built something that has yet to be proved to have existed?

2 of every animal?
Seriously?
Can you imagine the size of the poo room?
Come to think about you would need more than 2 of a lot of animals. All the carnivores would get hungry and something to snack on - like a wildebeast or 7

If the arc existed it would have massive - how was Noah going to build it? That is a big plot hole if you ask me.

And what about ducks? And Seagulls? And any other bird which is semi-submerged half the time? Did they need to go on the arc?

I'm more convinced by talking pigs and their structural engineering skills.
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