know a good one? [jokes thread]

[k_and_e]

	Quote:	dodgyken
	So amateurs built something that has yet to be proved to have existed? 2 of every animal? Seriously? Can you imagine the size of the poo room? Come to think about you would need more than 2 of a lot of animals. All the carnivores would get hungry and something to snack on - like a wildebeast or 7 If the arc existed it would have massive - how was Noah going to build it? That is a big plot hole if you ask me. And what about ducks? And Seagulls? And any other bird which is semi-submerged half the time? Did they need to go on the arc? I'm more convinced by talking pigs and their structural engineering skills.

it is a story Ken. not to be taken literally.

[burpy]

Knock knock

[TidakApa]

	Quote:	burpy
	Knock knock

DON'T ANSWER IT !!! .......... It might be the Billag man

[araqyl]

	Quote:	Sbrinz
	Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero, He's a vegetarian, Doesn't smoke, Drinks an occasional beer And never committed adultery. Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

I wouldn't trust a vegetarian, especially a man who "drinks an occasional beer", in public office ... meat-eating beer-swillers for me, thank you!

	Quote:	dodgyken
	So amateurs built something that has yet to be proved to have existed? 2 of every animal? Seriously? Can you imagine the size of the poo room? Come to think about you would need more than 2 of a lot of animals. All the carnivores would get hungry and something to snack on - like a wildebeast or 7 If the arc existed it would have massive - how was Noah going to build it? That is a big plot hole if you ask me. And what about ducks? And Seagulls? And any other bird which is semi-submerged half the time? Did they need to go on the arc? I'm more convinced by talking pigs and their structural engineering skills.

If you read the text, you'd know there were more than two of many animals, it was seven (or seven pairs) of the "clean" animals (ie, those permitted to be eaten or sacrificed).
Also, the dimensions given in the text add up to something with roughly the same displacement as a light aircraft carrier. Built over a long time (human life-span was 'set' at 120, but Noah was "favoured", told to start building, and entered the ark when he was 600 ... so a bit of time to build with his three sons!).
Luckily Noah didn't have to apply for a building permit ... otherwise that whole time would've been spent trying to get through red tape.

[M. Ploymi]

	Quote:	araqyl
	I wouldn't trust a vegetarian, especially a man who "drinks an occasional beer", in public office ... meat-eating beer-swillers for me, thank you! If you read the text, you'd know there were more than two of many animals, it was seven (or seven pairs) of the "clean" animals (ie, those permitted to be eaten or sacrificed). Also, the dimensions given in the text add up to something with roughly the same displacement as a light aircraft carrier. Built over a long time (human life-span was 'set' at 120, but Noah was "favoured", told to start building, and entered the ark when he was 600 ... so a bit of time to build with his three sons!). Luckily Noah didn't have to apply for a building permit ... otherwise that whole time would've been spent trying to get through red tape.

[Russkov]

	Quote:	M. Ploymi

Mind you, it is hilarious.

[Chemmie]

[Verbier]

[marton]

	Quote:	aviscido
	Number 3 is really funny!!!

Hey you already got your 10 posts.

[Sbrinz]

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly £10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing £10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly £900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending £10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly £162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?

[Sbrinz]

A touching story.............

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
And whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy..........

[Sbrinz]

A new Government initiative:

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting senior citizens
(instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and N.H.S. costs ('flu jabs, frames, wheelchairs, free prescriptions, bus passes, etc.)

The Government has established that older people are easier to catch and, in most cases, will not remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you -maybe I'd never see you again..

Then it dawned on me! I will see you on the bus! ...

[Sbrinz]

WORLD SURVEY BY TELEPHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

(That's now upset just about everyone today )

[Sbrinz]

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physiciansper year are120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is0.171.


Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept ofHealth and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deathsper year, all age groups, is1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deathsper gun owner is.000188.


Statistics courtesy of FBI


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately900 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT


Almost everyone has at least one doctor.


This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor than a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friendsto this alarming threat.We must ban doctorsbefore this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,I withheld the statistics on

lawyers

for fear the shock would causepeople to panic and seek medical attention!

[victoralexandru]

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" He asks. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez-vous français?" The two continue to stare. "Parlate italiano?" No response. "Hablan Ustedes espagnol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says: "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…"

"Why?" says the other, "that bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

[pianowizard]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'

[aSwissInTheUS]

Mary brings a very stiff parrot into a veterinary surgery and says to Simon, the vet, "My Minky doesn’t seem to be very well. I do hope you can help him."
As soon as she puts Minky on the table, Simon pulls out his stethoscope and listens to the bird's chest. Then he shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but Minky has passed away."
Mary is very shocked and upset and says to Simon, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I’m sure," replies Simon, "Minky really is dead."
"How can you be so sure," asks Mary. "You haven't done any tests on him. He might just be in a deep sleep."
Simon looks at Mary and then leaves the room. Two minutes later he returns with a Labrador who, to Mary’s amazement, stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs the parrot from top to bottom. The dog then looks at Simon with watery eyes and shakes his head. Simon pats the dog on his head and takes it out the room.
Simon then returns with a beautiful Siamese cat. The cat jumps up on the table and, like the dog before her, sniffs delicately up and down the bird. Then the cat sits back on her haunches, shakes her head, meows, jumps down and leaves the room.
Simon looks at Mary and says, "I'm sorry, but as I said before, Minky is most definitely a dead parrot, he is no more."
At that, Simon walks over to his computer, keys in some data and prints out an invoice, which he hands to Mary.
Mary looks at the invoice and cries out, "£150 just to tell me my parrot is dead?"
Simon shrugs his shoulders and says, "I'm sorry, but if you'd taken my word for it at the outset, my fee would only have been £50. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, I’ve had to charge you considerably more."

[Sbrinz]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. ‘Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?' 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.' So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!' The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?' The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You are cold, you are slippery, and you have no balls!

....You must be a POLITICIAN'.

[Sbrinz]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend

and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'

[Verbier]

"puns for educated minds."

• The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.