know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Verbier]

You need a little bit of French for this one. It talks about politeness. It is outside a coffee shop in Nice. (not my photo)

[Sbrinz]

An American decided to write a book about
famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to
Orlando, thinking that he would start by working
his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking
photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone
mounted on the wall with a sign that read
'$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest
who was strolling by, what the telephone was
used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to
God.

The American thanked the priest and went along
his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large
cathedral, he saw the same looking golden
telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of
telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a
nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven
and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America , Europe,
England, Japan , New Zealand . In every church he
saw the same looking golden telephone, with the
same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see
if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at Newcastle in Australia and again,
in the first church he entered, there was the same
looking golden telephone, but this time the sign
under it read, '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised, so he asked the
priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all
over the world and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a
direct line to Heaven, but in all of them, the price was
$10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in
Australia now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a
local call'.

KEEP SMILING

[st2lemans]

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has just been arrested.

The Englishman answers, "No! Do you know that this is a British car and that my wife is the driver... on the other side???"

[rkp]

One million copies of a new book sold in just 2 days due to typing error of 1 alphabet in title.

"An idea that can change ur wife"

[eidgenoss]

The "Peasmaker" from Jonen...
(Source: Blick)

[Verbier]

Four Worms in Church

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol: dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke: dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup: dead. The fourth worm in good, clean soil: alive.

So the minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand. "If you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.

[Verbier]

Clever Signs…

Sign over a gynecologist's office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a septic tank truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At an optometrist's office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

On an electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a non-smoking area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a maternity room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At a car dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet—miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a muffler shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the electric company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a funeral home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

Chicago radiator shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**************************

And the best one for last

Sign on the back of another septic tank truck:

"Caution—This Truck is full of political promises"

[Castro]

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"WOOAH!!!!!!" says the man



"Where do you want these blinds?"

[kismu]

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup to me if you can, I have your wallet.

[marton]

A Roman walked into a bar, held up two fingers and said three beers please.

[adrianlondon]

	Quote:	marton
	A Roman walked into a bar, held up two fingers and said three beers please.

Five.

[PaddyG]

	Quote:	adrianlondon
	Five.

Or fifty, depending on which fingers.

[ch2013]

50 would be finger and thumb unless he has very flexible finger joints

[marton]

	Quote:	adrianlondon
	Five.

Shurely five is 101?

[marton]

	Quote:	PaddyG
	Or fifty, depending on which fingers.

50 beers, too many even for me

[Queen of Cups]

An old favorite:

A man is sitting on the veranda with his wife one night and out of the blue he says "I love you". His wife says "Was that you or was that the beer talking?"

The mans says "It was me. Talking to the beer."

[StephenRocke]

Best Tommy Cooper - guys walks into a bar and says ouch !

	Quote:	marton
	A Roman walked into a bar, held up two fingers and said three beers please.

That would be a binaryman. surely?

[Sbrinz]

	Quote:	marton
	Shurely five is 101?

In Roman times: a V was five, an X was ten and I was one.

[Sbrinz]

Subject: A gripping story

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son and gives the young boy three 10 pence coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p coins but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants, takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly, tighter and tighter!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10 pence coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "I work at the tax office."