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  #1261  
Old 23.06.2014, 16:02
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Top ten jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe 2012.

1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett

5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner

6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine

7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold

8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis

9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders

10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar
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  #1262  
Old 25.06.2014, 19:34
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Modern Finance.

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.
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  #1263  
Old 25.06.2014, 19:40
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

For those who remember President Clinton and his affair with Monika L.

https://www.google.com/search?site=i...JSk&gws_rd=ssl
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  #1264  
Old 24.07.2014, 18:48
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Braintree because the waitresses had big breasts & wore miniskirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Braintree because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Braintree because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Braintree because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Braintree because they had never been there before……
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  #1265  
Old 29.07.2014, 13:38
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Q: What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
A: Well, the flag is a giant plus.
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  #1266  
Old 29.07.2014, 22:02
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

My wife dropped a bombshell today.

She's not coming home.

Nor will many other workers from the munitions factory.
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  #1267  
Old 09.10.2014, 16:04
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

One for the office workers trying to move their idea(s) ahead.

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  #1268  
Old 06.11.2014, 08:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

It has probably been posted but this amused me.

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  #1269  
Old 06.11.2014, 09:41
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Tourism is the next big thing.
All countries are trying to attract more tourists. See the taglines.

Thailand : Amazing Thailand

India: Incredible India

Malaysia: Truly Asia

Australia: There's nothing like Australia

Question: Have you ever wondered what the Pakistan's tourism tag line would be??

.
.
.
.
.
Answer : Have a blast. It may be your last......😆
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  #1270  
Old 06.11.2014, 11:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
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Q: What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
A: Well, the flag is a giant plus.
Apparently the classic, groan-prone, Swiss expat joke.

Told this one in passing to my friend who was visiting Geneva from Australia the other weekend. Had to say it again for her to get it, but once she did, she died laughing, however agreeing that it was pretty bad ("Dad joke").
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  #1271  
Old 19.12.2014, 23:07
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A Christmas Story

A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit. When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure. Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.


He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.



Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
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  #1272  
Old 12.01.2015, 12:52
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.


After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young lady was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening... Red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
.
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  #1273  
Old 15.01.2015, 22:43
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

I couldn't stop laughing.

http://vimeo.com/116666661
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  #1274  
Old 15.01.2015, 23:53
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
View Post
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.


After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young lady was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening... Red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
.
I assume the guy was Welsh, right?
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  #1275  
Old 16.01.2015, 01:13
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A Muslim, communist and black man walk into a bar

Bartender says, "What'll it be Mr. President"?

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  #1276  
Old 16.01.2015, 02:11
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Worst Aviation Disaster

Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
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  #1277  
Old 12.02.2015, 11:37
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Off the record, by footballers

WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS ARE THICK?

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,
he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best
manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of
bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win
the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,
but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on
the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at
Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he
was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I
live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals
out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

---oooOOOooo---
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  #1278  
Old 15.02.2015, 17:41
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,”Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."
.
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  #1279  
Old 14.03.2015, 11:48
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Couldn't help laughing....



http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slate...l?wpsrc=fol_tw
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  #1280  
Old 19.05.2015, 09:36
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Know a good one? [jokes thread]

This is alarming & scary stuff!

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

( A ) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Oestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
( B ) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
(C ) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary!!
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer

( If you want me I’ll be “The Doghouse” )


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