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  #1281  
Old 01.06.2015, 18:17
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Now that I'm retired & on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front garden, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the centre

The local police, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer, and I'm saving £
49.50 a month!



Go Seniors!
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  #1282  
Old 10.06.2015, 16:38
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #1283  
Old 30.07.2015, 00:50
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
She then hands the bottle to the man.


The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"


The woman replies, "Nah…I think I'll just wait for the police."


Adam ate the apple, too.

Men will never learn…
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  #1284  
Old 02.08.2015, 00:37
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Cheap washing machines €269,- for men, NSFW,

https://player.vimeo.com/video/57468...d=media-player
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  #1285  
Old 11.08.2015, 09:37
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Just 30 seconds each -

http://petapixel.com/2015/08/07/cano...ign=newsletter
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  #1286  
Old 26.08.2015, 16:09
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Ah, ze French accent...

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle:

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.


A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:

"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "appiness!'"
.
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  #1287  
Old 05.10.2015, 22:23
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #1288  
Old 06.10.2015, 13:56
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #1289  
Old 11.10.2015, 16:55
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

While waiting to finalise their Australian residential status, two Afghan men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life.

True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second, "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules, and we own a Holden VK Commodore."

The second man replies "Piss off, ya old towelhead."
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  #1290  
Old 28.10.2015, 15:38
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

What do you call a rabbit with a bent leg?

Fux Funny
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  #1291  
Old 29.10.2015, 13:30
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
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  #1292  
Old 17.11.2015, 11:53
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Tell me have you ever wondered when and where yodelling began ? Another true story...

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night there. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, " Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, " Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried, " We made such passionate love last night."

"What ?" shouted the farmer as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked down from the mountainside, cupped his hand to his mouth, and yelled out.

"LAIDTHEOLDLADEETOO!"
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  #1293  
Old 24.11.2015, 00:34
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

The Accident

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now, wot da fock would you say?'
.


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  #1294  
Old 08.12.2015, 12:38
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Let me try my Swiss humor…

A priest decides a demonstration would add weight to his Sunday sermon.
So he puts four worms into four separate bottles.

The first bottle is then filled with smoke.
The second one with alcohol.
The third one with semen and finally the fourth with pure water.

At the end of the sermon, he produces the bottles, pointing out that all worms except the one in the bottle with the water have died.

The priest then asks his congregation what is the moral from this, when an old lady from the back of the church stands up and says:

"As long as we drink, smoke and f**k we won't get worms" !
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  #1295  
Old 17.12.2015, 23:08
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

One for the English EFers.

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  #1296  
Old 20.12.2015, 11:32
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

These might not go down too well in the Red half of Essex.

I was walking down Market Street, Manchester a few days ago and I saw a Muslim man drop his wallet. I picked it up and ran over to him to return it.

He thanked me and then looked me in the eye and said "As you have committed an act of kindness towards me my faith says I must return the favour. I will give you a piece of advice. Don't go anywhere near Old Trafford this weekend.

My heart skipped a beat and I asked him "Why is that?"

He looked at me and said "Because the football there is absolutely minging at the moment."



A Manchester United fan walks into a Travel Agency.

He tells the agent "I'm bored, I've got trouble at home, the football at Old Trafford is dire and I just need a break. What can you recommend for a winter break?"

The agent replies "well you can't beat the Canaries at the moment."
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  #1297  
Old 05.01.2016, 18:55
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #1298  
Old 18.01.2016, 21:40
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #1299  
Old 26.01.2016, 19:04
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

An aeroplane was about to crash, but there were only 4 parachutes for the 5 passengers...

The first passenger Holly Madison said "I have my own reality TV show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, & so Americans don't want me to die" and she took the first packed parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger was John McCain and he said "I am a senator and a decorated hero from the elite navy of the United States of America" and he took the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger was Donald Trump and he told everyone left "I am the smartest man in our country and I will make the US great again" and then he grabs the next pack and jumped out....

The fourth passenger was Billy Graham. He speaks to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old school girl, "I have lived a full life and served my God in the best way I could, I will sacrifice my life and give you the last parachute".

The young girl says "That's all right Mr Graham, there's still a parachute here for you. The Smartest Man in America has just jumped with my school bag !"
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  #1300  
Old 30.01.2016, 11:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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