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  #1321  
Old 29.12.2016, 00:45
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.” They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Scotland . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price”.
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  #1322  
Old 29.12.2016, 19:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

From a friend of a friend on FB. You can imagine what 2017 will look like.

For those of you who speak German.

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  #1323  
Old 13.01.2017, 16:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

From FB. I had to laugh.


https://www.facebook.com/brainrucom/...9617602592980/
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  #1324  
Old 13.01.2017, 17:54
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

xcuse me but .... those who are on facebook probably already saw it and those who aren't (like me) you're just teasing with a facebook-link.
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  #1325  
Old 13.01.2017, 18:51
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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xcuse me but .... those who are on facebook probably already saw it and those who aren't (like me) you're just teasing with a facebook-link.
Just for you. EF is a FULL SERVICE operation.

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  #1326  
Old 13.01.2017, 19:02
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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Just for you. EF is a FULL SERVICE operation.
thank you so much
and LOL to the video.
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  #1327  
Old 26.01.2017, 11:00
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life, but now a widow,
she happily sits in her rocking chair watching the world go by
with her cat Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing
here after all these years’? The fairy godmother replied
'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I
last saw you. Is there anything for which your
heart still yearns? ‘Cinderella was overjoyed and
after some thought replied ’The prince was wonderful,
but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth
on my pension and I wish to be wealthy again.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

The fairy godmother then asked 'What do you want
for your second wish?' Cinderella looked down
at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young
and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality and she was young
and beautiful again and she felt stirrings inside her
that had been dormant for years. The fairy godmother
spoke once more: 'You have one more wish;
what shall it be?'

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the
corner and said, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my
old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob was immediately transformed into the
most handsome man Cinderella had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
and disappeared in a flash of blue light

Bob and Cinderella looked lovingly into each
other's eyes. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella
and held her in his young muscular arms. He leaned
in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm
breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you had me castrated'
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  #1328  
Old 23.02.2017, 13:14
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Not really a joke but made me laugh, better for plane freaks!
https://tribunist.com/technology/sr-...?utm_source=SR
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  #1329  
Old 17.03.2017, 12:04
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]



Both ladies telling the other, "You would be foolish to leave the union!"

.
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  #1330  
Old 28.09.2017, 15:54
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the lbarman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1
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  #1331  
Old 28.09.2017, 17:13
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Fascinating Aida - Cheap Flights Song

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  #1332  
Old 12.10.2017, 22:25
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]



https://www.derbund.ch/ Karikatur
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  #1333  
Old 18.04.2018, 10:19
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

its been a couple of years since i posted here lol - glad to see its still on going!

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  #1334  
Old 24.05.2018, 14:00
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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its been a couple of years since i posted here lol - glad to see its still on going!

Attachment 132884
Alkoholfrei


Ok, how about this one.

"My Grandfather is great, he really has the heart of a lion.


Well, that.. and a life-time ban from the Zoo..."
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  #1335  
Old 20.07.2018, 23:19
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man and a woman were having a quiet romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking an order at another table a few feet away noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and then under the table cloth.
The man sat motionless and stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour to be a bit risque and worried that it may offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully said to the man,
"Pardon me Sir, but I think your wife has just slid under the table".
The man looked up and replied, "No she didn't, she just walked in".
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  #1336  
Old 20.07.2018, 23:29
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

TRAIN TICKET
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football match.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket ?' asks one of the men.
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all !!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket ?' says one perplexed man.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women..
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women
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  #1337  
Old 23.07.2018, 10:08
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #1338  
Old 23.07.2018, 10:38
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones!
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  #1339  
Old 23.07.2018, 11:26
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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  #1340  
Old 23.07.2018, 12:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Recently I developed a severe phobia of Elevators.

I am taking steps to avoid them.
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