know a good one? [jokes thread]

[st2lemans]

Tom

[Blueangel]

Wonder which one has a cycle path.

	Quote:	st2lemans
	Tom

There's been a highway to Heaven for nearly 40 years.

How does this work?

I can always tell if they use fake dinosaurs in films.

[swissotter]

(In a French restaurant)
"Waiter, can we see the menu please"
"Mai oui".
"Sorry. May we see the menu please".

[MusicChick]

"Dad, what's an engagement?"
"That's like when you get a mountain bike for Xmas but you have to wait till the spring to ride it."

[swissotter]

[SOBEIT]

Bloke walks into a florist “hi, l’d like to buy a massive bunch of flowers for my new girlfriend please”.
“No problem sir, what are you after?”
“A shag”

[swissotter]

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her,fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

[meloncollie]

	Quote:	swissotter
	(In a French restaurant) "Waiter, can we see the menu please" "Mai oui". "Sorry. May we see the menu please".

Good to see you back, Swissotter!

[swissotter]

	Quote:	meloncollie
	Good to see you back, Swissotter!

thank you! well i've always stalked even though i am still out of CH

	Quote:	swissotter
	thank you! well i've always stalked even though i am still out of CH

less stalking and more talking, SO

A wee joke, seeing as it's Friday:

Police have confirmed a man has been arrested in Devon after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.

He is due to be bailed tomorrow.

[AbFab]

Famous Bob Monkhouse quote:

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

Well they‘re not laughing now.

[swissotter]

	Quote:	Swisstree
	less stalking and more talking, SO .

yes yes - i do come back periodically so i'm sure i'll have questions about brown sugar and such

[swissotter]

[swissotter]

[Blueangel]

Love the Swiss Reaper

[robBob]

	Quote:	swissotter
	(In a French restaurant) "Waiter, can we see the menu please" "Mai oui". "Sorry. May we see the menu please".

Little boy: May I go to the bathroom
French teacher: Oui Oui
Little boy: No! Plop. Plop.

A colleague at work told me he makes every single decision in his life by flipping a coin.

He's a tosser.

[doropfiz]

The coin-flipping reminded me of Piet Hein's Psychological Tip:

Whenever you’re called on to make up your mind,
and you’re hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you’ll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.
No – not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you’re passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you’re hoping.

Piet Hein (December 16, 1905–April 17, 1996) was a Danish scientist, mathematician, inventor, designer, author, and poet, often writing under the Old Norse pseudonym "Kumbel" meaning "tombstone". His short poems, known as gruks or grooks, first started to appear in the daily newspaper "Politiken" shortly after the Nazi occupation in April 1940 under the pseudonym "Kumbel Kumbell". Source: Wikipedia