know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Tim]

	Quote:	DaveA
	An Oldie-But-Goldie joke that even has a swiss angle, which believe me is as rare as rocking horse shit: A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" He asks. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez-vous français?" The two continue to stare. "Parlate italiano?" No response. "Hablan Ustedes espagnol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says: "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…" "Why?" says the other, "that bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good." dave

I thought I'd heard of this one before, but I've only just realised where..... it was back on page one of this thread when you posted it the first time

Still, back then when you posted it, there wasn't the "thanks" facility like there is now....

[cantarell]

(with propz to gary)

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was
lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen
for days and then the pioneers saw an old Jewish rabbi
sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
they asked.

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up
dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd
run into a big Bacon Tree."

"A Bacon Tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, an Bacon Tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go
dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the rabbi
said.

"So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked.

Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jewish people -
they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other
side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere
and massacre all except the leader who manages to
escape and get back to the old rabbi.

Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our
deaths! We followed your route but there was no bacon
tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy,
vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish
dictionary and begins thumbing through it.

"Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't
a Bacon Tree, it vuz a Ham Bush!!"

Yeah, sorry about that. It was almost a year ago: that's forty-seven "How much should I earn in Switzerland?"s or sixty-two "Where is the best place to live in Zürich?"s ago. The joke earned, nay deserves, a re-telling.

dave

	Quote:	Tim
	I thought I'd heard of this one before, but I've only just realised where..... it was back on page one of this thread when you posted it the first time Still, back then when you posted it, there wasn't the "thanks" facility like there is now....

One for the Aussies, even tho if I'm pretty sure it could just as well been a N.Zer,,,however,,, I don't wish to quibble over such trifles ,,,here y' go then


A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home".

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.


After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One".

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Here in Harrods our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"0108,637.64", the Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed "0108,637.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he would need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to Harrods car sales and I sold him a Cheyenne".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me ... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"






"No, no, no ... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said ....."Well, since your weekend's f****d, you might as well go fishing".

[panamahat]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her
beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons
of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must
be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he
knocked on the door to
clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I
found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean
2.5 gallons?'
The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to
fill my bathtub up with
milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and
beautiful again.'
The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'
The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can
splash it on my eyes.'

I do so admire the aplomb of this guy.....



The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into
Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it
is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[jenniferpache]

Ahhh - At last - a thread that provides some entertainment, instead of centering on how EVIL the Swiss are!

The others failed probably because they should have been describing Charles' Law. As all the divers amongst us know Boyle's Law related to pressure and volume at a constant temperature. A good joke nevertheless.

dave

	Quote:	Delphinium Blue
	I do so admire the aplomb of this guy..... The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[jenniferpache]

When l formerly posted a reply a reply, l had not read the Fishing one. This one is great! Now, if we could be salesmen/women like that ................

[Tim]

This is old...so old I first heard it when three of us went to the Man Utd v Everton cup final back in 1985(?). We parked about a mile from wembley and set off on the walk, when all of a sudden my mate steve took on a sombre tone and remarked to us...

"Actually, I don't really know if I feel up to this." That was it...we were pressing him for a reason why and he went onto explain...

"I had some really bad news yesterday...was gonna keep it quiet but I just need to get it out. It's about one of my mates at work. A few months ago he was doing a bit of house clearance and got a blister in his foot with his new shoes. so he took them off and carried on, but then he trod on a dodgy floorboard and put his foot right through a nail sticking up. It went clean through his foot, sticking out the top of it. He screamed in agony and we whisked him off to hospital.

He was in there hours. Must have been midnight by the time we got back. Anyway he had a week off and then seemed better so he came back to work. But about a week later he was complaining of pains in his foot again, so he takes off his shoe and sock and it's horrible...all puffed up and oozing pus just where the nail had gone through.

We went off to hospital again, they patched him up again, he had another week off work, came back, and a week later the same thing happened. You can imagined how annoyed he was and the hospital said they couldn't understand it and that they would run some extra tests.

Anyway the results of those tests came through yesterday...."

At this stage the both of us listening are wrapped within the story, oozing sympathy... "Did his foot need amputating?" we asked. Stve continued..

"No, no...he didn't have to have his foot removed. If only it had been as simple as that. They told him he had got Aids"

Imagine the both of us...staring wide-eyed with incredulity..."he got Aids? From putting his foot through a nail?" Steve nodded, sadly. A few moments silence. "but, but but you can't get Aids just by treading on a nail?" we ventured, more in hope than in true knowledge. Steve continued...

"Well....it turns out that the nail was bent!"

Cue the sight of two blokes trying to beat up their mate

Not the most politically correct joke I've ever heard...especially when related to these days... but what really made it was the way he got us hanging on his every word in the belief he really was relating a sad sad tale.

[JenniferD]

	Quote:	jenniferpache
	Ahhh - At last - a thread that provides some entertainment, instead of centering on how EVIL the Swiss are!

(there are no rollyeyes to display my thoughts)

[Polorise]

old gold .... http://www.jibjab.com/view/156049

[Polorise]

So, a baby seal walked into a club...

[Polorise]

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says,"This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[Colonelboris]

A dusty cowboy walks into a saloon after days of herding his cattle. He gets a drink at the bar and asks the barman "Say, it's bin a while since ah've seen a woman. Are there any here?"
"Nope." Replies the barman. "But Ah kin show you what we does fer pleasure round these parts."
The cowboy follows the barman round the back of the saloon to a barn. Inside are all sorts of farm animals.
"These are what we use when we get a bit lonely at night."
The cowboy is disgusted. "No thankyou sir - I only wanted a woman."
He settles into his room at the saloon for the night, but he keeps waking up and thinking about just how horny he's feeling. Eventually, he gives in and goes down to the bar. He selects a pig from the pen and takes it back to his room where he gives it a bath, puts a ribbon in his hair and put some lipstick on it...
The next morning, he comes down into the saloon with the pig under his arm. Tha entire bar falls into silence.
"What? It's only what all you guys are doing!"
The barman sidles over and whispers into his ear:
"But that's the sherriff's gal..."

[Tim]

An Aussie comes out of Sydney Opera house and hails a cab...

He says to the cabbie "Do you mind if I put three yard of lager and a case of prawns on your back seat mate?

The cabbie says "No worries, mate!"

Upon which the Aussie pukes up all over the back seat...

[el Jefe]

Q: What's the hardest part of rollerblading?


A: Telling your dad you're gay.

[Polorise]

Here's a silly one that I like...


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay ,the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains," I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it!"

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents
onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,

he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves,

hops another ten feet, turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.


It says...

(Are you ready for this?)


It says,







"Hair Spray -

Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[grumpygrapefruit]

Prince Charles was driving his Range Rover through Windsor Great Park when one of the Queens corgis runs in front of the car. Charles gets out and sees the dog has been completely squashed under one of the front wheels.

Prince Charles starts panicking realising Mummy will be seriously cross that one of her favourite corgis has met its end under the wheel of his car. "What am I going to do?" screams Charles... "Someone please help me!" Just then in a flash of smoke a Genie appears and explains to Charles that he is his own personal Genie to be used once in his life in a dire emergency, and to the Genie this seemed like the time to help. "I can offer you one miracle in your life, so what is it to be?

Charles shows the Genie the remains of the Corgi and explains that he wants him brought back to life. The Genie shakes his head and says the Corgi is too far gone for even a miracle cure. "But while I'm here you may as well make use of my power, I can't come again, give me another wish"

Charles ponders for a moment and says "Do you think that you could make my wife beautiful?" the Genie thinks and replies

"let's have a look at that Corgi again!"