know a good one? [jokes thread]

	Quote:	aSwissInTheUS
	This joke clearly took a tangent.

Don't digress.. not funny


After my first couple of sessions, I wasn't too keen on my chiropractor..

but, I must say, that after the last session today, I stand corrected.

[MusicChick]

[Rob]

I know people are always posting those ridiculously clever things their young un's say but sometimes they’re true.
My little one, Tilly, really shocked me today.
Tilly- You know how our Prime minister and her government are destroying the NHS, cutting benefits for the disabled, allowing fracking...
Me- But….
Tilly-…..selling arms to the Saudis, allowing badger culling..
Me- What the…
Tilly-….cutting education spending, bloody brexit, Boris the buffoon,
Me-..........
Tilly- Tories are barstewards, aren’t they?
Now, OK, I know I should have told her about her language but I was just so stunned I couldn’t say anything. I mean, I’ve had that cat for 13 years and she never spoke a word until now!

News headline:

Red Bull thieves steal €850,000 worth of energy drink in staggering heist in Belgium..

How do these bastards sleep at night!?

[swissotter]

Peter, a retired business man living in Zurich calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Sydney and tell her too"

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and shouts at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there in two days time. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

Peter then hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "You were right, it worked. They are both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfare."

My husband asked me to pass him the lip balm, but instead I gave him super glue.

He's still not talking to me.

[swissotter]

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there, the mother-in-law dies.
The local undertaker tells the man, "You can have her shipped home for £10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £500."
The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to pack her up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend £10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when you could bury her for only £500?"
The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

John's out the back garden and he sees the next door neighbour throwing seeds all over the garden.

"Jaysis Mick, what are you at now?"

"Well John, just throwing out some elephant repellant"

"But.. there's no elephants around here!"

"I know, John. Super stuff, isn't it?"

	Quote:	Swisstree
	John's out the back garden and he sees the next door neighbour throwing seeds all over the garden. "Jaysis Mick, what are you at now?" "Well John, just throwing out some elephant repellant" "But.. there's no elephants around here!" "I know, John. Super stuff, isn't it?"

Wrong thread! Surely that one belongs in the other one?!

Lucky for you that this thread is in Off-Topic. That joke deserves a groan!

	Quote:
	Wrong thread! Surely that one belongs in the other one?! Lucky for you that this thread is in Off-Topic. That joke deserves a groan!

Oh goody, you liked it..

Here's another:

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Its OK, he woke up.

Nah, that deserves a thanks!

In the same vein as the elephant repellent joke:

Mick went for an interview to work as a lumberjack in Alberta.

"What experience do you have in cutting down trees?", he was asked.

"Oh, loads," he responded. "I've been a lumberjack in Ireland, and Bolivia, in the Caribbean, in the Sahara...."

"In the Sahara?! There are no trees in the Sahara Desert!"

"Nope," replied Mick, "Not any more!"

Hehe.. 'tis all subjective and dependent on silly moods.

Paddy and Mick are leaning against a country road gate when they notice a tractor and trailer drive by, full of fresh rolled up grass turf.

"That's what I am going to get done if I win the lottery", says Paddy.

"What's that?" asks Mick.

"Send my lawn off to be cut."

[swissotter]

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

[swissotter]

A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things, so went to see their doctor for a check up.
After the check up, the doctor told them they were physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember things.
Later that night while watching TV the old man gets up from his chair, "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream" the wife replies. "OK" says the husband.
"Don't you think that you should write it down to help you remember it" says the wife, "No, I'll be fine" he answers.
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too" she adds, "You best write it down so as not to forget".
"Don't worry" says the husband "I can remember that".
"I'd also like some whipped cream, you wont forget that, will you?".
Getting angry, he replies "I don't need to write it down, I can remember, ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it!".
Then he shuffles off into the kitchen.
Twenty minutes later he returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon, eggs and tomato.


She stares at the plate for a minute, then asks "Where's my toast?".

Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married.

The wedding wasn't much. But the reception was incredible!

https://youtu.be/Kp4KkfCc4eQ

[swissotter]

A nurse is going through her pockets at the end of her shift and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, shit, some poor sod's got my pen."

[swissotter]

A fifteen-year old boy walked into a pharmacy.
"How much is it for one condom?", he asked the pharmacist.
"Sorry, son, but they only come in packs of three and they're £3.50," said the pharmacist.
"Oh no," said the disappointed boy, "I don't have enough money. And today I was planning on getting lucky with my new girlfriend."
"Well," said the pharmacist, "in that case you can take a box for free."
"Gee, thanks!!!" yelled the boy as he dashed out the door holding the box of condoms.
That night, he was at his girlfriends' house, and everyone was seated at the dinner table, ready to eat. They all said grace with bowed heads, and then they began eating. As dinner progressed, the girl noticed that the boy's head was still bowed. "I didn't know you were so religious," she whispered to her young boyfriend, impressed."I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," was his reply.

A guy goes to a night club the bouncer stops him and says to him no tie, no entry.

He walks back to his car to find a tie.

As he's rummaging around were he comes across a pair of jump leads.

So he puts them around his neck like a tie.

He goes back and says to the bouncer and asks will this do?

I'll let you in says the bouncer but don't start anything.


-

[swissotter]

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.
At the club, the doorman asks, "Hi Jim, how are you?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?"
Jim replies, "Oh, I played football with him in high school".
Inside the club the bartender asks "The usual then Jim?"
Jim turns to his wife and says, "Before you ask, he's in my darts team".
Next, a stripper sidles up to the bar and asks "Hi Jim, are you going to want one of my special dances again tonight?"
Fuming, the wife storms out of the club dragging her husband behind her and flags down a taxi.
The taxi pulls up and the driver says "Hey there Jimmy boy, looks like you picked an ugly one tonight!"

Jim's funeral will take place on Monday at 10.00 a.m.