know a good one? [jokes thread]

I'm going to France tomorrow for the annual "flicking a ruler on the edge of a desk" competition. It's held annually, in the.. Dordogne.

So there's this kid named Cal, and he's a bit of a thug.

He often breaks into people's homes just for fun.

One thing he loves to do in people's homes is to absolutely destroy their washing machines. He will destroy them until they are broken so far they are completely beyond use. Until they are totally dead.

Recently Cal passed away in his sleep, which is sad news, but now....

Washing machines live longer with cal gone!

[swissotter]

for swisstree

[Verbier]

One for the English folks who are missing home.

[swissotter]

[swissotter]

[Rob]

A woman's husband died. He had £20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the undertaker and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had £20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me £6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was £500 and I spent another £500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, £12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."

[Rob]

What’s the difference between refugees paying criminals to get them across the English Channel and the British Government?

The refugees are hiring boats that actually exist.

[Rob]

The two main news stories this week have been the problems the Prime Minister has faced, and the Duke of Edinburgh being involved in a car crash.

In one of them, people have been saying for ages that the activity is clearly not a good idea, that it could put people at risk, but advice was ignored, stubborn pride was a factor, and so they pressed on, but couldn't clearly see where they were going, and ended up in a ditch whilst causing harm to other people.

In the other one, the Queen's husband had a traffic accident.

[Rob]

In London an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the Capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near. “Yes, Father?" said the Nurse. "I would really like to see Theresa May and David Cameron before I die," whispered the Priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the Nurse. The Nurse had the request sent to Number 10 and all waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; May and Cameron would be delighted to visit the Priest. As they went to the hospital, Cameron commented to May, "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” May agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the Priest's room, the Priest took Cameron’s hand in his right hand and May’s hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest's face. Finally Theresa May spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you neared the end?" The old Priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ." "Amen," said May. "Amen," said Cameron. The old Priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; in fulfilling that consummate desire, I wanted to do the same."

[robBob]

Family goes to the circus.
Father wonders off to get refreshments.
Little boy points to an elephant and asks mom
"What's that under the elephant?"
"Why that's his legs" answers mom
"No that between the rear legs?" points the boy again.
"Oh!" says mommy all embarrassed and quickly adds "It's nothing"
Finally dad returns with the refreshments and the young boy asks him the same question.
"That my boy is the male instrument" boasts the dad.
"How come mom says its nothing?" asks the boy.
Then dad smiles and answers "Boy! I've spoiled that women"

[swissotter]

Me: Hey, what's the Wifi password?

Barista: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: I'll have a Latte, please.

Barista: £3, please.

Me: There you go, now what's the Wifi password?

Barista: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces and all lowercase.

Heh, very good!

I've got a good one! The UK Parliament's handling of Brexit. That joke even works across national and linguistic borders.

The Patron Saint of copying people into emails is St Francis of a CC.

[marton]

First electric powered plane in test

[Greg Zimmermann]

Son. I'm not going to Grandmother ever again!
Mum. Why not?
Son. She just sits on the sofa all day long, with nothing on!
Mum. Nothing on!!!
Son. No nothing...... no radio on, no television on.... no, nothing on!!!!!!

'ave a Good day y'all

GREG

[JagWaugh]

[doropfiz]

Four old school-friends met up for a drink for the first time in decades.

After a while reminiscing about their good old days, one went to use the rest- room.

The remaining three talked about the successes of their sons.

First man:
"My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company as a messenger. He studied Economics and Business Administration at night-school, and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.
He became so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second man would not be outdone:
"Wow, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline as a steward, then went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner in the company and through shrewd buying, he now owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich he gave his best friend a brand-new jet for his birthday."

The third man boasted: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and now he's a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30 000 square foot mansion."

The three congratulated each other just as their friend returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

They explained: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons! What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends looked shocked and said: "Oh, dear, what a disappointment! What a shame!"

"No," said the fourth man, "There's no reason to be ashamed. He's a really nice guy, he's my son and l love him! Lots of people do. Besides, he hasn't done too badly. For his birthday two weeks ago, he received a beautiful 30 000 square foot mansion, a brand-new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[swissotter]

A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for Gorilla Removers so he calls the number.The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks."I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm
going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull
is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. Then I can get the gorilla into the back of the van."


"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner."If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!"