know a good one? [jokes thread]

[swissotter]

[greenmount]

Compliments are beautiful, but you never know if they are genuine. Instead, the insults are spoken from the heart.

[doropfiz]

Insults are spoken from the heart, yes, but the speaker doesn't necessarily believe the content of the insult. Sometimes, that heart so longs to offend that any hurtful comment will suit its purposes.

Interesting side-trip from the jokes, greenmount. Thank you.

Aaaaand, back we go to the jokes:

Someone just rang my phone, sneezed, then hung up..

I hate these cold calls.

I went into the cake shop and said to the baker:

"How come all your cakes are £1 apart from this one which is £2?"

He said:

"Because that's Madeira cake!"

It’s a 4 minute walk from my house to the bar.

It’s a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.

[swissotter]

Q.: How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

A.: As mushroom as possible.

Cannibal.

(n.) Someone who is fed up with people.

I used to have a fear of horse chestnuts.

But I have conkered it.

[RTN]

A maths teacher struggling to get one fat student to understand fractions asks:
If you have 10 cookies and I take half, what do I have?
A black eye and sore nuts, sir.

[swissotter]

I call my horse Mayo,


And sometimes Mayo neighs.

Argentina is surprisingly cold.

In fact it's bordering on Chile.

Customs officer: "Father, are you aware that all these bottles in your luggage labelled 'Holy Water' actually contain whisky?"

Priest: "Saints be praised, another miracle!"

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.

He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."

I said, "You're not coming in, mate!"

He said, "I don't want to come in. I just want you to step out of the car."

[doropfiz]

This is from earlier in this thread... and old one posted by Sbrinz, but it made me smile again today.
https://www.englishforum.ch/1661875-post1169.html

[swissotter]

[swissotter]

How do fish get high?




seaweed.

[Raffles]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[Raffles]

I told my OH I had the body of a Greek god.
She said Buddha is not Greek.