know a good one? [jokes thread] - Page 73

#**1441** 16.11.2019, 20:05

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

#**1442** 16.11.2019, 21:28

I became increasingly worried about my obsession with lyrics written by Prince so I went to the doctor.

Guess what he told me? Guess what he told me?

Raffles · #**1443** 16.11.2019, 22:51

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

#**1444** 16.11.2019, 23:37

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. Should have put it on aloha setting.

swissotter · #**1445** 24.11.2019, 23:28

I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for £200.00....

Is that too dear?

doropfiz · #**1446** 06.12.2019, 21:04

https://de.toonpool.com/cartoons/Handy_35065

... and with the new "wellness key", you'll be completely un-reachable.

swissotter · #**1447** 09.12.2019, 08:29

Darth Vader says to Luke " I know what your getting for Christmas"
Luke says " how would you know that?"

Darth Vader says " I felt your presence"

doropfiz · #**1448** 09.12.2019, 21:06

Dear Parents-in-Law,
Please don't tell me how to raise my children. Remember, I live with one of yours, and this one ain't perfect neither.

marton · #**1449** 14.12.2019, 18:28

araqyl · #**1450** 15.12.2019, 22:44

	Quote:	doropfiz
	Dear Parents-in-Law, Please don't tell me how to raise my children. Remember, I live with one of yours, and this one ain't perfect neither.

Obviously they did a good enough job that you chose to live with their product ...

doropfiz · #**1451** 29.12.2019, 04:10

He always gets her anemones for her birthday. But, to his distress, on the day he can't find any. All the florists seem to be out of stock of anemones. So instead he buys her a giant fern.

He apologises, but she just laughs out loud!
He's relieved, but asks why she's laughing.
She replies: "Well, with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

calypso22 · #**1452** 06.01.2020, 20:15

If I make a decision, and my wife is not around, am I still wrong?

#**1453** 06.01.2020, 20:58

	Quote:	calypso22
	If I make a decision, and my wife is not around, am I still wrong?

Of course you are.......stupid boy, ask Cpt. Mainwaring

swissotter · #**1454** 23.03.2020, 10:05

Q: How many epidemiologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, if we got to it straight away, it would have been one. But now it is probably four, and growing to 16. No wait, now it is 64. We won't truly know the answer for another week or two.

Q: How many COVID-19 Denialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Losing a light bulb is no different to night time, which happens every day. What are we going to do? Run around panicking every time it gets dark?

Q: How many shoppers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other to fetch it for them from the pallet of stockpiled light bulbs in the storage container... oh, unless you didn't stockpile them, in which case good luck finding a light bulb for the next few weeks.

Q: How many self-isolated extroverts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Funny you should ask. I have a new training video on light-bulb changing just up now on YouTube, and workshop tonight on Zoom, and we will be discussing this with other light bulb changers on my new podcast.

Q: How many parents quarantined with their children does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oh, FFS! You have broken a light bulb now? It just never ends! Go to your room, and stay there for 72 hours. I'm having some wine. Teachers should get paid more.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Seriously! Why? Get back inside, you selfish idiot.

swissotter · #**1455** 25.03.2020, 10:10

NotAllThere · #**1456** 25.03.2020, 10:32

I went to an online party last night. No one told me it was bring your own bottle.

Raffles · #**1457** 25.03.2020, 10:51

	Quote:	NotAllThere
	I went to an online party last night. No one told me it was bring your own bottle.

Thanks for the laugh.

swissotter · #**1458** 29.04.2020, 05:55

A few months ago, at the supermarket, I was queuing to pay, behind a lovely older couple. And I couldn’t help but overhear,
The lady turned to what I assumed to be her husband and said “ George, I must admit, I’ve ever so very quietly passed wind. What do you think I should do?”
To which George said “Don’t worry Darling. Do nothing. As soon as we get home, the first thing I’m going to do. Is change the batteries in your hearing aids!”

Tom1234 · #**1459** 02.07.2020, 09:26

KiwiSteve · #**1460** 24.09.2020, 07:23

How do you recognise a senile dyslexic agnostic?
They wander around lost, wondering if there really is a dog.