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  #141  
Old 04.07.2007, 21:47
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Old man driving down the M1 on his way home. He gets a call from his wife:

"Be careful darling, there's some nutter driving the wrong way down the M1!!! It's all over the news!"

"They're wrong," he replied, " there's ing hundreds of 'em!"
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  #142  
Old 04.07.2007, 21:59
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Theres joy in one house in Sheffield as the winner of Bullseye finally gets to use his speedboat!!!
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  #143  
Old 04.07.2007, 22:02
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Micheal Barrymore was asked if he'll be doing a panto this year. He said he doesn't think so as he done Alladin six years ago and hasn't heard the last of it.
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  #144  
Old 06.07.2007, 22:40
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8
hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it
had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it.....
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  #145  
Old 06.07.2007, 22:49
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8
hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it
had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it.....
Police advised everyone to 'Calm down, calm down'...
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  #146  
Old 07.07.2007, 21:14
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

8 foreign doctors - three bombs - no deaths....
Harold Shipman - one doctor- one syringe- 300 dead ....
makes you proud to be british.....
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  #147  
Old 07.07.2007, 21:17
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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8 foreign doctors - three bombs - no deaths....
Harold Shipman - one doctor- one syringe- 300 dead ....
makes you proud to be british.....
All of them doctors who took the Hypocritical Oath .
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  #148  
Old 09.07.2007, 21:22
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
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  #149  
Old 09.07.2007, 22:18
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Q:How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:One.... But the light bulb must really want to change!

Q:How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None..... They just declare darkness the industry standard!

Q:How many Intel engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:0.9999989989976!

Q:How many Blues musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Ten.... One to actually change the bulb and the other nine to sing about
how good the old one was!

The last one, I dedicate to DaveA,,,,

The others, well, I am sure you know who you are……
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  #150  
Old 10.07.2007, 07:45
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Thanks for the dedication,

but the original version of this joke is folk singers - wont as they are to sing about times-past with a finger in the ear.

dave



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Q:How many Blues musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Ten.... One to actually change the bulb and the other nine to sing about
how good the old one was!

The last one, I dedicate to DaveA,,,,
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  #151  
Old 10.07.2007, 09:26
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Two women on their way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes her fanny with her knickers, and the other uses a wreath. Their two husbands were in the pub the next day. One says, "i'd better watch my wife. She came home last night with no knickers on." The other man says, Thats all, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying, We'll never forget you. From all the boys at the firestation
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  #152  
Old 10.07.2007, 09:57
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
Like the Red Neck comedian Larry the Cable Guy when a cop pulls him over and asks if he's been drinking. "Why? Have I got a fat girl in the back?"
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  #153  
Old 10.07.2007, 10:37
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Little Jonny goes into school after being absent the previous day,
His teacher demands"Where were you yesterday?"
"I'm sorry Miss,my dad got burnt" replies Jonny
"Oh,I'm sorry,I hope it wasn't serious" says the teacher
To which Johnny replies,"Well,they don't piss about at the crematorium"
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  #154  
Old 10.07.2007, 12:04
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Another comedy email...

JUST IMAGINE THESE LINES, SPOKEN IN A TOMMY COOPER VOICE. I DEFY YOU NOT TO LAUGH OUT LOUD !!!! !


I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put it down.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on and on ..

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there!

I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue ?" I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where's he then ?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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  #155  
Old 10.07.2007, 13:01
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

40 Scousers arrived at heaven's gates, st peter said we've only got room for 12 so decide amongst urselves who's comin in. 5 mins later st peter says to god,they've gone. God says what, all 40 of them? No the f****in gates.
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  #156  
Old 10.07.2007, 21:57
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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40 Scousers arrived at heaven's gates, st peter said we've only got room for 12 so decide amongst urselves who's comin in. 5 mins later st peter says to god,they've gone. God says what, all 40 of them? No the f****in gates.
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says,
"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks,
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,
but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.....


Quote:
but the original version of this joke is folk singers - wont as they are to sing about times-past with a finger in the ear.

dave
You just made that up, g'wan, admit it..
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  #157  
Old 14.07.2007, 21:58
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A guy is jailed in Louisiana for some minor offence. He's shown to his cell, which is in pitch darkness, and shoved in by the laughing wardens. The sound of an obviously large man breathing heavily comes from the back of cell.
"Yew'll lahk this, boh, this wun's real friendly!" laughs the chief warden.
Terrified, the new prisoner makes his way to his bunk.
A voice stops him.
"Now, yew gonna play nice? Are yew gonna be the mamma or the pappa?"
The frightened convict thinks for a moment. Obviously, if he plays the 'pappa', then it won't be quite so bad...
"I'll be the pappa"
"Good, good. Now come over here and suck mamma's cock."
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  #158  
Old 15.07.2007, 02:33
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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Q:How many Intel engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:0.9999989989976!
Haha, I wonder how many got this one

A few really old ones...

Question to Radio Erewan:
Is it true that the Czechs called on the Red Army to help them?
Answer: Basically, yes. The request was made in 1939 and positively answered in 1968.

Question to Radio Erewan: Is it true that Comrade Brezhnev collects jokes about himself?"
Answer: Basically, yes. But he really collects the people who make jokes about him.

Question to Radio Erewan: If I shout "Nixon is an idiot" in Washington D. C., nothing happens. What's the situation in Moscow?
Answer: In Moscow, too, nothing happens if you shout "Nixon is an idiot".

Question to Radio Erewan: Is it true that cosmonaut Gagarin has won a trip to the USA?
Answer: Basically, yes. But it wasn't cosmonaut Gagarin, but a retiree, and his name wasn't Yuri, but Oleg, nor Gagarin, but Gaganov, and it wasn't "to the USA", but "in Kiev", and he didn't win a trip, but a bicycle, and he didn't win it either, but it got stolen!

Question to Radio Erewan: Is it true that in the Soviet Union, we now can order foodstuffs over the internet?
Answer: Basically, yes. But delivery, too, is over the internet...
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  #159  
Old 16.07.2007, 10:02
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there w ere 3 finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home!"

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and gohome!"
Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gunand went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and therestood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks!" she complained.

"I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them!!

Last edited by storm; 16.07.2007 at 10:05. Reason: format
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  #160  
Old 26.07.2007, 22:42
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

True concern.....

Letter to a friend

Hi,

Today, local police found a man's body in a park nearby.

They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Butt and a Small pecker.



Please email me back so I'll know you're OK.


Sincerely worried,
Your Concerned Friend
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