know a good one? [jokes thread]

[Polorise]

One day God decided he wanted to go on vacation, yet He was could not decide on where to go.

Trying to help one angel offered, "Why don't you go to Mercury?"

To this God replied, "I've been there before, and I got the worst sunburn ever."

Another angel said, "You should go to Mars."

"I've been there too. It's way too cold, and theres not even any skiing," Replied God.

A third angel chimes in, "What about Earth? It's really pretty. I've been there, so I know."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I went there once, and they still accuse me of getting some girl pregnant," sighs God.

[Caleb]

3 rabbi's are having dinner together, one rabbi looks troubled. He then stops eating and says, "Something has been bothering me deeply. I sent my son away to learn, and he came back a christian."

The second rabbi looks suprised, and after a moments pause, says, "You know that funny because MY son also went away and came back a christian!"

The 3rd Rabbi looks really dumbfounded and stammers out "Thats funny! Because I I sent MY son away too, and he came back a christian!"

So they all decide they must pray for answers.

And God answers back,

"You know thats funny because MY son......

[terryhall]

all I'm going to say is,

"Me in my lucky blue raincoat"

[Verena Scherer]

Not really a joke, but still cute and funny to me. - A little girl chasing a robber.



http://www.myeyewitnessnews.com/medi...ideo.abc24.com

[Colonelboris]

A woman goes to her HR manager with a complaint:
'Keith keeps coming up to me and telling me that my hair smells nice.'
'Hmm...' says the HR guy, 'well, it's hardly sex discrimination, is it?'
'No, I don't think you understand - Keith's a midget.'

[grumpygrapefruit]

	Quote:	Caleb
	3 rabbi's are having dinner together, one rabbi looks troubled. He then stops eating and says, "Something has been bothering me deeply. I sent my son away to learn, and he came back a christian." The second rabbi looks suprised, and after a moments pause, says, "You know that funny because MY son also went away and came back a christian!" The 3rd Rabbi looks really dumbfounded and stammers out "Thats funny! Because I I sent MY son away too, and he came back a christian!" So they all decide they must pray for answers. And God answers back, "You know thats funny because MY son......

To continue on a religious theme, I saw a bumper (fender) sticker last year that said

"Jesus loves you. But I'm his favourite"

[Flashman4]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[grumpygrapefruit]

Teamwork in the UK.

[brie]

How can you identify a swiss person in a shoe store?


They are the ones not looking at the shoes but the boxes

[chemgoddess]

A pirate walks into a bar and he's got a really big ships steering wheel coming outta his pants. The bartender asks "What's with the steering wheel?

Pirate responds "Arrrrggghhh, it's driving me nuts."

[Polorise]

[chemgoddess]

My personal fave:


A guys walks into a bar . . . . Ouch!

----------------------------------------
Or

Have you seen the new Pirate movie? It's rated Arrrrrggggghghghg

[Polorise]

	Quote:	chemgoddess
	Have you seen the new Pirate movie? It's rated Arrrrrggggghghghg

Why do pirates go to the opera?

For the arrrrias and high C's .....

[Verena Scherer]

I knew a Swiss couple, he was blind, she was seeing. If had an argument, she would change the furniture around when he was at work.

[Verena Scherer]

San diego firefighter.

[brie]

I rear ended a car this morning... I could tell it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF.
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started...

[Verena Scherer]

This actually happened to me today. I phoned my husband from a store, I knew that he needed some aftershave.
I said " do you ind if I buy you some aftershave?, I heard a happy "yes"- so I continued " Oh good I found this one it's cheap and it reminds me of you". I brought it home and he won't wear it- Men are never satisfied.

[Filton Kingswood]

Q - Whats the smelliest thing in the world?

A - An anchovys A**hole.

[Filton Kingswood]

16 year old boy gets home at 3am and is set upon by his dad..

'Where the hell have you been till this hour' he demands.

'Sorry im late dad but I lost my virginity tonight'

'Oh son thats great, come and sit down, tell me all about it'

'I cant sit down'

[DeadLast]

	Quote:	Polorise

I was sure the punchline picture to that would be the dog legging it out the door with the lottery ticket.