know a good one? [jokes thread]

[swissotter]

A man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock at the door. Opens the door, nobody there. He looks down and sees a snail on the front porch. Huh. He picks it up and chucks it as hard as he can.

3 years later, the man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock. Opens the door. There's a snail on his porch.

Snail sez, "What the hell was that all about?"

[Uncle Max]

Not sure whether this should be in the complaints corner, as I reckon it's about time we had a jokes thread. I'm bloody sick and tired of NEVER hearing jokes here. Anyone in the Romandie/Ticino experience things differently? Is it just an Ost Schweiz dullness thing? The jokes you do hear are so witless you'd wonder if people read them in 20 Minuten that morning in the cartoon section. Where's the biting sarcasm? The bitchiness? THE FUNNY?



(Swiss obviously don't DO funny. I'm not a racist but... )

I have never quite got over the English anecdote-telling experience here. After telling a story that i think would translate and travel well, i have many times been embarrassed by a silence, followed by a critique of the logic in the story. If I added a "look for the funny side of this" preamble, do you think it would help ?

dave

My favourite one-line joke in the English language which does assume some background :
"Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, did you enjoy the show ?"

	Quote:	Uncle Max
	Not sure whether this should be in the complaints corner, as I reckon it's about time we had a jokes thread. I'm bloody sick and tired of NEVER hearing jokes here. Anyone in the Romandie/Ticino experience things differently? Is it just an Ost Schweiz dullness thing? The jokes you do hear are so witless you'd wonder if people read them in 20 Minuten that morning in the cartoon section. Where's the biting sarcasm? The bitchiness? THE FUNNY? (Swiss obviously don't DO funny. I'm not a racist but... )

	Quote:	Uncle Max
	(Swiss obviously don't DO funny. I'm not a racist but... )

...in fact some of my best friends are funny

dave

[litespeed]

I've given up using sarcasm with the natives. It has a 2% success rate.

[Uncle Max]

	Quote:	DaveA
	...in fact some of my best friends are funny

or,
Some of my best friends are Human

/"They're not Buoys" (tho' this one needs the American pronounciation)

[Uncle Max]

	Quote:	litespeed
	I've given up using sarcasm with the natives. It has a 2% success rate.

It doesn't work in humour here, but it's devastating when complaining for rotten service, etc. It's like a sucker punch: they're nodding, listening to your logic, and then you hit them with the 'take THAT, biyatch' of the punchline. Makes 'em cry! (Is this mean spirited???)

[Uncle Max]

This thread is wavering, sorry. But success with humour is not enough. Others have to fail...

Theres a survey of humour reported on the bbc website which list "the worlds best joke":

"A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?" "

Not bad, but not what I would call the world's best. I prefer the Aussie-Hunters-snakebite joke immortalised in a Castelmaine XXXX advert which is in the same vein.

I remember read in Edward de Bonos lateral thinking book, he analysed humour as being surprise resulting from an unexpected pattern in events.

The "Death by Mao-Mao" joke brought to life in the League of Gentlemen is also pretty good....

dave

	Quote:	Uncle Max
	It doesn't work in humour here, but it's devastating when complaining for rotten service, etc. It's like a sucker punch: they're nodding, listening to your logic, and then you hit them with the 'take THAT, biyatch' of the punchline. Makes 'em cry! (Is this mean spirited???)

[Uncle Max]

Then, of course, there is the World's Dirtiest Joke, The Aristocrats.

To save space, here's an info link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_aristocrats

(Umm, not for the faint-hearted.)

You oughtta know this one. IF you do, let's get together and make an evening of it. Apparently Chevy Chase had parties where you had to tell the joke for longer than half an hour without repetition.

Come on team, we can beat that...

Want more? Go here:
http://www.dead-frog.com/aristocrats/

[CHip]

They even made a film of that joke, where they got famous comedians to tell the joke. Haven't had chance to see it but apprently very funny, if you like the original joke.

[CHip]

Just to keep you going, Top 4 jokes of 2005

Caution - some of these are a bit rude

Number 4
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Number 3
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Number 2
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Number 1
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know, "the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as A jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well, "Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey", the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and The other is in your oatmeal."

[Lob]

Dustman on his rounds gets to a house and cant find the bin. Knocks on the door and waits, getting annoyed. Knocks again very loud and a Chinese man hurriedly appear out of breath.

“Where’s your bin?” says the dustman
“I been in the shower”
“No! Where’s your bin” says the irritated dustman
“I have been in the shower,” repeats the Chinese man.
“No mate! Where’s your wheelie bin?”
“OK” says the Chinese man, looking a little embarrassed “ I weally been having a wank”

[CHip]

Lob, for some reason that reminded me of this old one:

Postman Pat's Last Day
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by
the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a gift Cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
Malt whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde In her
lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where
the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage,
Beans, Mushrooms And Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured Him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the
cups bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,
"but what's The five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day and that we should do something special
for you, so I asked him what to give you". ................ .




He said, "F**k him. Give him a fiver!"
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[gbn]

Good for a groan at least:

Two Arabs in a village in Algeria, they go to the market place for dates
and water.

But every stall they approach is selling jelly and custard.

"No, No" they say "dates and water, we need dates and water".

"You buy our jelly and custard" is the only answer they get.

Eventually they give up and leave, the first Arab turns to his mate and
says "Didn't you think it odd, here we are in the middle of Algeria, and
those stalls only sold jelly and custard?"

"Yes" says his mate. "It was a trifle bazaar"...

[Uncle Max]

	Quote:	CHip
	They even made a film of that joke, where they got famous comedians to tell the joke. Haven't had chance to see it but apprently very funny, if you like the original joke.

It is a good film, but only really if you know - and get - the joke. It doesn't have 50 comedians telling the joke, rather talking about the joke. It's interesting to note how they perceive where the humour lies, as opposed to the obvious ha ha value.

The funniest parts are where people describe how those events actually happened to them by their abusive family, etc. Cuts very close to the bone... absolutely essential viewing!

[Galatea]

Oh it's sooooo good to see jokes... I'm hopeless at remembering them, so knowing I can come in here and plagurise when ever I need to say something funny is quite a bonus...

WHY WE SPLIT UP...

My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending £65.00 on make-up.

And I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

[Lou]

A chicken & an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken lights up a cigarette.
"Well that answers that question!" says the egg.

An old one but one of my favourites.

[swissotter]

ha ha - these jokes are great, keep them coming...

What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
"Wasabi"

[gbn]

A man goes to the doctor,

Man: "Doctor, I think I've caught that bird flu"

Doc: "What makes you think that sir?"

Man: "Well I've started wearing make up, talking bo*l*cks and can't park the car any more".