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Old 20.08.2006, 18:38
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know a good one? [jokes thread]

A man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock at the door. Opens the door, nobody there. He looks down and sees a snail on the front porch. Huh. He picks it up and chucks it as hard as he can.

3 years later, the man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock. Opens the door. There's a snail on his porch.

Snail sez, "What the hell was that all about?"
  #2  
Old 20.08.2006, 21:24
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Re: know a good one?...

Not sure whether this should be in the complaints corner, as I reckon it's about time we had a jokes thread. I'm bloody sick and tired of NEVER hearing jokes here. Anyone in the Romandie/Ticino experience things differently? Is it just an Ost Schweiz dullness thing? The jokes you do hear are so witless you'd wonder if people read them in 20 Minuten that morning in the cartoon section. Where's the biting sarcasm? The bitchiness? THE FUNNY?



(Swiss obviously don't DO funny. I'm not a racist but... )
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Old 20.08.2006, 21:54
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Re: know a good one?...

I have never quite got over the English anecdote-telling experience here. After telling a story that i think would translate and travel well, i have many times been embarrassed by a silence, followed by a critique of the logic in the story. If I added a "look for the funny side of this" preamble, do you think it would help ?

dave

My favourite one-line joke in the English language which does assume some background :
"Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, did you enjoy the show ?"



Quote:
Not sure whether this should be in the complaints corner, as I reckon it's about time we had a jokes thread. I'm bloody sick and tired of NEVER hearing jokes here. Anyone in the Romandie/Ticino experience things differently? Is it just an Ost Schweiz dullness thing? The jokes you do hear are so witless you'd wonder if people read them in 20 Minuten that morning in the cartoon section. Where's the biting sarcasm? The bitchiness? THE FUNNY?



(Swiss obviously don't DO funny. I'm not a racist but... )
  #4  
Old 24.05.2009, 22:36
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Re: know a good one?...

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My favourite one-line joke in the English language which does assume some background :
"Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, did you enjoy the show ?"
I just spat beer!
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Old 20.08.2006, 21:55
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Re: know a good one?...

Quote:
(Swiss obviously don't DO funny. I'm not a racist but... )
...in fact some of my best friends are funny

dave
  #6  
Old 20.08.2006, 22:05
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Re: know a good one?...

I've given up using sarcasm with the natives. It has a 2% success rate.
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Old 20.08.2006, 22:11
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Re: know a good one?...

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I've given up using sarcasm with the natives. It has a 2% success rate.
It doesn't work in humour here, but it's devastating when complaining for rotten service, etc. It's like a sucker punch: they're nodding, listening to your logic, and then you hit them with the 'take THAT, biyatch' of the punchline. Makes 'em cry! (Is this mean spirited???)
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Old 20.08.2006, 22:14
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Re: know a good one?...

This thread is wavering, sorry. But success with humour is not enough. Others have to fail...
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Old 20.08.2006, 22:20
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Re: know a good one?...

Theres a survey of humour reported on the bbc website which list "the worlds best joke":

"A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?" "

Not bad, but not what I would call the world's best. I prefer the Aussie-Hunters-snakebite joke immortalised in a Castelmaine XXXX advert which is in the same vein.

I remember read in Edward de Bonos lateral thinking book, he analysed humour as being surprise resulting from an unexpected pattern in events.

The "Death by Mao-Mao" joke brought to life in the League of Gentlemen is also pretty good....

dave


Quote:
It doesn't work in humour here, but it's devastating when complaining for rotten service, etc. It's like a sucker punch: they're nodding, listening to your logic, and then you hit them with the 'take THAT, biyatch' of the punchline. Makes 'em cry! (Is this mean spirited???)
  #10  
Old 29.05.2007, 02:26
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Re: know a good one?...

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I've given up using sarcasm with the natives. It has a 2% success rate.
That is why I never tell a Swiss a joke on Saturday night.

He will usually start laughing in Church on Sunday morning.
  #11  
Old 29.05.2007, 09:17
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Two ants in a saucer!!

One turns to the other and says were playing in the cup next week.
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Old 06.09.2010, 22:12
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Re: know a good one?...

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I've given up using sarcasm with the natives. It has a 2% success rate.
Thanks god! I was thinking that there was somehing wrong with me or my english. So this people is sarcasmproof... good to know.
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Old 06.09.2010, 22:19
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Joke for geeks I like a lot:

There are only 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.

(Free translation. Forgive my english...)
  #14  
Old 20.08.2006, 22:08
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Re: know a good one?...

Quote:
...in fact some of my best friends are funny
or,
Some of my best friends are Human

/"They're not Buoys" (tho' this one needs the American pronounciation)
  #15  
Old 16.02.2011, 22:44
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Re: know a good one?...

HAHAHA!! And can you please add the making fun of people when they trip, fall or hit (not seriously of course). Ok, I admit, this is probably a Mexican gene or something that we laugh, clap and then ask: Are you OK?

I once fell flat on my butt at the airport, waiting line full, and guess who was the ONLY one laughing out loud?: ME!!!

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Not sure whether this should be in the complaints corner, as I reckon it's about time we had a jokes thread. I'm bloody sick and tired of NEVER hearing jokes here. Anyone in the Romandie/Ticino experience things differently? Is it just an Ost Schweiz dullness thing? The jokes you do hear are so witless you'd wonder if people read them in 20 Minuten that morning in the cartoon section. Where's the biting sarcasm? The bitchiness? THE FUNNY?



(Swiss obviously don't DO funny. I'm not a racist but... )
  #16  
Old 21.02.2011, 21:32
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE



A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it
while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.




On the way home he stopped at B & Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of
paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a
goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to
carry his entire purchases home.






While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told
him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane ?'






The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I
would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'



The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry
the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'




'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.






On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be
there in no time.'




The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow
without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley
you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with
me?'






The farmer said, 'Jesus lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the
wall and do that?'






The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!





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Old 23.02.2011, 19:27
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

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This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this is a great country.
Did you actually read that joke before you posted it?
  #18  
Old 24.02.2011, 04:03
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

Quote:
Quote:
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this is a great country.
Did you actually read that joke before you posted it?
Hey, DB, back off Buddy! The joke may be wholly unacceptable in decent company but - fair play - someone also managed to make it disappear

Attachment 24030

Now that's magic!!!!!!

Last edited by weejeem; 14.10.2011 at 15:03.
  #19  
Old 29.08.2006, 12:43
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Swiss Jokes

Its probably gunna be a short thread but here goes:

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" He asks. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez-vous français?" The two continue to stare. "Parlate italiano?" No response. "Hablan Ustedes espagnol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says: "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…"

"Why?" says the other, "that bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
  #20  
Old 29.08.2006, 13:35
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Re: know a good one? [jokes thread]

A swiss one.

A man from zurich, a man from basel, a nun and a very sexy blone woman are sitting in the train. the train gets into a tunnel. when it's dark, the sound of an slap in the face is heard by everyone.
when the train gets out of the tunnel again the nun thinks:
one of the mans tried to touch the blonde an she beat him.
the blone woman thinks:
wow... one of those guys tried to touch me, touched the nun instead and she beat him.
the zürcher thinks:
... i bet, the basler touched the blondie, she thought that it was me and hit me.
the basler thinks:
hopefully there's another tunnel, then i can hit the zürcher again.
 

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