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Old 19.04.2011, 10:56
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Translated German jokes

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.

A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says, "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says, "I just got back from a funeral"

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Would you like an ice pack?"

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied, "No. No, I don't."

A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"
The lawyer said "$400."
"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"
"I guess so," said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"

How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.

Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.

Otto and Beata give birth to a young child.
This is impossible, because a baby cannot be born as a young child, therefore the previous sentence is rendered void and should be corrected. I apologise on behalf of myself, and myself only, for this major yet forgivable mistake.

The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
No.
Well, it's really nice.

Where did Hitler keep his armies?
The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.

What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

How do you make a Swiss roll?
Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder. It's quite delicious, actually.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag.
One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other's a thin plastic sheet formed into a shape most fitting to carrying large amounts of shopping so that its easier to carry.

A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.

What's the difference between a duck?
I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl.

What do you call 5 Mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.

Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.

A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.

Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?
The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in.

There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years.

As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.

A man walks into a bar.
He orders a couple of drinks, pays for them, and then proceeds to leave the premises, as his wife had told him that he must not be too late home.

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman immediately calls the local stable to report the missing stallion, and his owner promptly arrives to take him home. He thanks the landlord and offers a small reward, but it is respectfully declined.

Why did the Czech tourist cross the road?
Because he was impressed by the frankly excellent crossing facilities on major German routeways, compared to the relatively poor facilities constructed by his own Czech government.

How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. It is a simple lightbulb, not an advanced 'home computer'.

Knock Knock
Who is there please?
Boo
I do not know anyone by that name. Unless you mean to startle me with the word 'boo', in which case you are quite unsuccessful. I see no need to open my door in either case.

Doctor Doctor! I think I've broken my leg!
Yes, I'm afraid it's a terrible break, the chances are you'll never walk again.

Why can't women leave the kitchen to empty the bins out?
They can, providing that they are familiar with the efficient German rubbish sorting guidelines. There are separate collections for green glass, white glass and brown glass. Recycling rubbish goes in yellow bags that are collected by yellow trucks, newspapers go in cardboard boxes that are collected by gray vehicles, other rubbish is collected every two weeks by various private firms.

What do you call a man with a tray on his head?
If you are aware of his given name, you may address him with this. If he had adopted a nickname by which he is comfortable to be known, using this would also be deemed acceptable. If, however, you do not already know what his name is, ask him to kindly inform you so that you may become acquainted. You may then ask him why he has a tray on his head, and he will quite likely answer you with humility and direct earnest.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They have a few drinks, then go to a club, where they amuse each other and those around them by completely slurring their words in their already very strong regional accents. Then they get a taxi back to the house of the Englishman as he lives nearest, and stay the night. The next morning, the Scotsman and the Irishmen walk home as they are still hungover and do not wish to risk driving.

What do Madeleine McCann's parents have in common with Rhys Jones's parents?
Both sets of parents outlived their infant children. (It is assumed, due to the substantial period of time since McCann went missing, that she is now deceased. However, this has yet to be confirmed by any official source.)

Due to fewer intrinsic external differences between the facial structures of african people when compared to those of caucasians, Barack Obama is sometimes confused with Lewis Hamilton and Theo Walcott. Similarly, the current Israeli/Palestinian crisis is occasionally mistaken for that of footballer Paul Gascoigne. This is because Gascoigne was often endearingly known as 'Gazza', while the area of land most prominent in the Middle Eastern conflict is called Gaza - one letter away from the aforementioned 'Gazza', hence the confusion.

What do you get if you cross a gooseberry with a stereo?
A sticky green residue that is difficult to remove from the electrical unit.

A man dies and goes to heaven.
This is an assumption based on religious faith.

Why can't Stephen Hawking dance?
He has Motor Neurone disease.

What's black, white, and hungry?
The population of Zimbabwe.
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Old 19.04.2011, 10:59
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Re: Translated German jokes

I did no sink ze second joke was zat funny
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Old 19.04.2011, 11:08
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Re: Translated German jokes

Jokes with Realistic Endings
Mc Sweeneys
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Old 19.04.2011, 11:11
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Re: Translated German jokes

These aren't very funny, or am I missing something?
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Old 19.04.2011, 11:16
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Re: Translated German jokes

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These aren't very funny, or am I missing something?
German humour often follows many conventions which, due to similarities in cultural perception of events and day-to-day life (and other such universal themes which may be discussed through comedy), may be readily interpreted by natives of other countries.

Some German humorists such as Loriot use seriousness as means of humour. Another notable example of mock-serious humour with satirical content is Jakob Maria Mierscheid MdB, a virtual politician, and his eponymous Mierscheid Law. Begun as a hoax to falsify restaurant bills, Mierscheid has gathered sufficiently enduring pop culture recognition since the '70s to gain his own (tongue-in-cheek) entry on the official Bundestag Website. Similarly, the Stone louse (Petrophaga lorioti), a fictitious animal which was a part of a comic mocumentary video sketch, gained acknowledgement as a fictitious entry in the medical encyclopedic dictionary Pschyrembel Klinisches Wörterbuch.
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Old 19.04.2011, 11:18
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Re: Translated German jokes

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German humour often follows many conventions which, due to similarities in cultural perception of events and day-to-day life (and other such universal themes which may be discussed through comedy), may be readily interpreted by natives of other countries.

Some German humorists such as Loriot use seriousness as means of humour. Another notable example of mock-serious humour with satirical content is Jakob Maria Mierscheid MdB, a virtual politician, and his eponymous Mierscheid Law. Begun as a hoax to falsify restaurant bills, Mierscheid has gathered sufficiently enduring pop culture recognition since the '70s to gain his own (tongue-in-cheek) entry on the official Bundestag Website. Similarly, the Stone louse (Petrophaga lorioti), a fictitious animal which was a part of a comic mocumentary video sketch, gained acknowledgement as a fictitious entry in the medical encyclopedic dictionary Pschyrembel Klinisches Wörterbuch.
Aha, that explains everything.
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Old 19.04.2011, 11:20
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Re: Translated German jokes

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Some German humorists such as Loriot use seriousness as means of humour. Another notable example of mock-serious humour with satirical content is Jakob Maria Mierscheid MdB, a virtual politician, and his eponymous Mierscheid Law. Begun as a hoax to falsify restaurant bills, Mierscheid has gathered sufficiently enduring pop culture recognition since the '70s to gain his own (tongue-in-cheek) entry on the official Bundestag Website. Similarly, the Stone louse (Petrophaga lorioti), a fictitious animal which was a part of a comic mocumentary video sketch, gained acknowledgement as a fictitious entry in the medical encyclopedic dictionary Pschyrembel Klinisches Wörterbuch.
While all this may be true, all the jokes above are not translated jokes, that's just been added to play on the stereotypical image of the humourless german.

These are all jokes with realistic endings, written in English, most from the two sources above. the humour lies in the unexpected non joke.

Last edited by cyrus; 19.04.2011 at 12:20.
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Old 19.04.2011, 11:23
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Re: Translated German jokes

A German walked into a bar. He said "Ach"
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Old 19.04.2011, 11:55
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Re: Translated German jokes

That would explain why my husband never laughs at my jokes then ... they are funny!!
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Old 19.04.2011, 12:34
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Re: Translated German jokes

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That would explain why my husband never laughs at my jokes then ... they are funny!!

Mine too. I cant believe he cant laugh at black jack or will ferrel. Or at most green jokes. I think he´s too wholesome.
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Old 19.04.2011, 12:37
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Re: Translated German jokes

Like I've said before, Germans laugh 3 times at every joke; once when you tell, once when you explain and once when he gets it
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Old 19.04.2011, 12:49
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Re: Translated German jokes

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German humour often follows many conventions which, due to similarities in cultural perception of events and day-to-day life (and other such universal themes which may be discussed through comedy), may be readily interpreted by natives of other countries.

Some German humorists such as Loriot use seriousness as means of humour. Another notable example of mock-serious humour with satirical content is Jakob Maria Mierscheid MdB, a virtual politician, and his eponymous Mierscheid Law. Begun as a hoax to falsify restaurant bills, Mierscheid has gathered sufficiently enduring pop culture recognition since the '70s to gain his own (tongue-in-cheek) entry on the official Bundestag Website. Similarly, the Stone louse (Petrophaga lorioti), a fictitious animal which was a part of a comic mocumentary video sketch, gained acknowledgement as a fictitious entry in the medical encyclopedic dictionary Pschyrembel Klinisches Wörterbuch.


It's the way you tell them.
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Old 19.04.2011, 12:58
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Re: Translated German jokes

Your mother is soo fat, that it affects her self esteem.
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Old 26.04.2011, 01:01
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Re: Translated German jokes

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.


that's horrible!!! haha
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Old 26.04.2011, 01:32
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Re: Translated German jokes

I like the second joke the best!
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