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Old 11.07.2011, 15:55
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Kulula Airlines

Hi All,

I just got this e-mail and it was so funny indeed hilarious, I thought Imust share.

I do not know if anyone has got it already but if not, please read, laugh,enjoy and be ready to cry!


Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline thatdoesn't take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And have a readabout their Customer Relations.


Kulula is an Airline with head office situated inJohannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heardor reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating,you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard timechoosing, when a flight attendant announced,"People, people we're notpicking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


On another flight with a very "senior"flight attendant crew, the pilot said,"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reachedcruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for yourcomfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


On landing, the stewardess said,"Please besure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, pleasemake sure it's something we'd like to have."


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."


"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope youenjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for aride."


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop atDurban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker, "Whoa, big fella.WHOA!"


After a particularly rough landing duringthunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flightannounced,"Please take care when opening the overhead compartmentsbecause, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


From a Kulula employee, "Welcome aboardKulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tabinto the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; andif you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in publicunsupervised."


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabinpressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you,secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with morethan one small child, pick your favorite."


"Weather at our destination is 50 degreeswith some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than KululaAirlines."


"Your seats cushions can be used forflotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle toshore and take them with our compliments."


"As you exit the plane, make sure to gatherall of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly amongthe flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


And from the pilot during his welcome message,

"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that wehave some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none ofthem are on this flight!"


This was heard on Kulula 255 just after a veryhard landing in Cape Town. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here totell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn'tthe flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on aparticularly windy and bumpy day... During the final approach, the Captainreally had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendantsaid,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The MotherCity. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while theCaptain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


Another flight attendant's comment on a less thanperfect landing, "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroobounces us to the terminal."


An airline pilot wrote that on this particularflight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had apolicy which required the first officer to stand at the door while thepassengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying ourairline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard timelooking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smartcomment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walkingwith a cane. She said,

"Sir, do you mind if I ask you aquestion?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot."What is it?"

The little old lady said,

"Did we land, or were we shot down?"


After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg,the attendant came on with,"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in yourseats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to ascreeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and thewarning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way throughthe wreckage to the terminal."


Part of a flight attendant's arrivalannouncement...

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying withus today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through theskies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of KululaAirways."


Heard on a Kulula flight.....

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, youcan smoke 'em."


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