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Old 23.09.2011, 15:07
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Jokes - Aussie Pride etc etc

As laughter is said to be the best medicine, the Lanka Standard dedicates this page to the entertainment of its readers
Aussie Pride
Just imagine…
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 041Can.
A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an Aussie!
The Duck is Dead Ma’am
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
Italian Humour
The Italian Grandmother
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. “You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in.Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I’mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
“What…you comma empty handed?”
The Italian Grandfather
Why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their guns down through the family?
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. ‘Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns…How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.”
“Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, “times-up.”??
Height of Miscommunication
A man wanted to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he called a baker and ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him on the phone what message he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment and said, put “getting older but you are getting better”.
The salesman asked “how do you want me to put it?” The man said ‘Well…put “You are getting older”at the top and “but you are getting better” at the bottom.’
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
It read: “You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom”
Moral of the Story:
Don’t order cakes by telephone
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